Culture

Tony Abbott Tells Ministers To Stop Leaking Stuff; Someone Immediately Leaks His No-Leaking Policy

This slow motion trainwreck is kind of beautiful to watch.

by Hannah Hawkins  19 August 2015

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Sit back in your Sunday pants and count down until Parliament House implodes, everyone, because Liberal Party politicians are leaking inside information so much right now that even instructions telling them to stop leaking things are getting leaked. It’s fun to watch, in a trainwreck-in-slow-motion kind of way.

The government’s stream of consciousness feeds through to news outlets on what seems to be a live, running-commentary basis these days, giving the public an almost blow-by-blow of most goings-on in the otherwise opaque Coalition cabinet room. Insider info about party fractures on major issues like marriage equality; principal’s office-type lectures and a rare “berating” from a normally Tony Smith-esque party member; and angry internal jitterings about a breakdown of processes have all made sure the nation’s political editors are starting their day with an air of smug confidence surpassed only by Bill Shorten when he delivers one of his zingers.

But Tony Abbott’s adorable attempt to control party room leaking yesterday has ended up as a leak itself, raising the bar of ironic meta possibilities to all new fabulous heights. According to the newest leaked documents, Abbott has ordered his ministers to stop leaking cabinet discussions, but if they are questioned about cabinet processes to say that they are “functioning exceptionally well” — and, obviously, to turn it back around on Labor.

In an email sent to key ministerial advisers as part of the Coalition’s daily “morning note,” which is hopefully also littered with motivational photo quotes pulled from Tumblr (any government leakers reading this should contact me immediately to confirm), the full instructions, word for word in all of its condescending dot-point glory, were as follows:

  • We don’t comment on cabinet discussions 
  • The government is focused on delivering jobs and growth. Just yesterday the government announced its decision on lawfare
  • In contrast to the experiences of Rudd and Gillard governments, our cabinet is functioning exceptionally well. Everyone knows that under Labor, cabinet submissions were almost never lodged on time and would instead more often arrive on the day or weekend before a cabinet meeting. Julia Gillard sent her bodyguard to NSC meetings. Our cabinet processes are far more effective and productive than Labor’s chaos.

Coalition frontbencher Eric Abetz also lashed out this morning at colleagues anonymously leaking party-room talking points, describing them as “gutless”, which then got anonymously leaked. Just joking, this was literally the first direct quote on the issue: “If somebody is gutless and in breach of the rules one really wonders why a journalist even bothers to repeat comments from such an individual,” Abetz told ABC’s AM, confusing journalists with Year Four teachers morally obligated to lecture their students on why it’s bad to repeat nasty things about each other.

“Those journalists that deal with those people should be asking the question: ‘what motivates?'” he said, again totally missing the point of journalism. Abetz’s comments sound suspiciously off-script and not at all Abbott-approved, and come only a day after Abbott “read the riot act” (read: put everyone in the naughty chamber) to Coalition ministers after they became publicly divided over their marriage equality debate marathon, which concluded confusingly by not concluding and postponing a vote on the issue.

Naturally, Twitter has been revelling in the beautiful irony and governmental chaos that is metaleaking (it’s on Twitter, so it’s an official word now, okay) all day, because nothing gets the internet going like a good dose of schadenfreude.