Angry Old Man Noel Gallagher Has Had Just About Enough Of This Tidal And Zayn Malik Business

"Do these people think they're the fuckin' Avengers?"

Former Oasis singer-turned-professional sideburn grower Noel Gallagher has this week sat down for an interview with Rolling Stone and, as with everything he does, it’s entertaining for all the wrong reasons.

Though the talk itself is part of a media circuit for the upcoming US tour of his new band High Flying Birds, it seems as though the magazine have instead used the opportunity to prod him with a series of controversial topics from music, pop culture and politics in the hope he’ll unleash a few trademark rants. This is a plan they no doubt felt quite confident with considering they’d recently compiled a full 101-strong list of other things Gallagher had been mad at in the not-so-distant past.

Tentatively, the piece starts out by praising some of the musician’s recent work and clarifies, “Noel Gallagher is never half as angry as it seems”. “His tone is more Statler and Waldorf on The Muppet Show than fire and brimstone [and] at 47, he hasn’t quite reached ‘cranky old man’ status yet,” the writer says, while presumably batting his eyelashes and playfully nudging at Gallagher’s arm.

Then the conversation quickly takes to the rage-baity subjects of U2’s laughable stage theatrics, Morrissey’s public fight for veganism, the Supreme Court’s treatment of same-sex marriage, One Direction (who have recently said they’re taking on an Oasis sound), Tidal, and his own brother Liam, which quickly leads Noel to call him a “fucking gobshite”.

At this point, it’s probably important to know that Statler and Waldorf are these two. It’s hardly a compliment.

With everything unsurprisingly going to plan, Rolling Stone have helpfully immortalised Gallagher’s best two rants on YouTube for you.

Never change, Noel <3

On Tidal:

“I think ultimately with the spiel they came out with, it was like, ‘Do these people think they’re the fuckin’ Avengers? They’re going to save the fuckin’ [world]?” I was speaking to Chris [Martin] the day after, and I said, ‘Are you after a Nobel Peace Prize? Is that what you’re after?’ They were like, ‘We’re going to fuckin’ save the music business’. And I’m just sitting there, thinking [imitates smoking weed] you might want to write a decent chorus for a fuckin’ start. Never mind fuckin’ royalties and the ‘power of music’. Write a tune. Fuckin’ start with that.

I only watched [the press conference] because someone was like, ‘Get on these bunch of cunts on here’. And I went, ‘Who?’ ‘Fuckin’ your mate Chris Martin and all these cunts.’ I got on YouTube and was like, [makes crinkled face] ‘Oh. Ohhh. Ohhhhhh.’ Alicia Keys made a speech that really should have been at the UN. ‘We’re all aware of the power of music!’ But I don’t think you are. I quote Nietzche regularly too, but only when I’m talking about downloading.”


On Zayn Malik:

“It’s a strange thing for that lad to have done at that age. The greatest quote was — I laughed out loud when I read it — ‘I just want to be a normal 22-year-old’. Pfft. Who wants to be a normal 22-year-old?! Hang on a minute. You can be fucking anything that moves and gettin’ paid half a million dollars a week, you fuckin’ idiot.

You want to be a normal 22-year-old? Have you met any normal 22-year-olds? They’re fuckin’ shit-for-brains. What are you talking about, you fuckin’ idiot? God. All those young Japanese girls suckin’ me cock. [Sarcastically] So shallow and meaningless. I’ll say this to you, Zayn: You might have wanted to be a normal 22-year-old, but you won’t want to be a normal 25-year-old.”

And Here’s Some Bonus Rage Wisdom On Marriage Equality:

“What do these old men in the courtroom think is going to happen? Do they think that depravity is just going to be fuckin’ rained down upon the world because two people from the same sex can recognize each other in a marriage partnership? You have the religious fuckin’ thing in this country and it’s fuckin’ insane. It’s insane.

The religious right would go back to stoning doctors in the street who perform abortions. That’s fucked up! If a man wants to marry another man, that’s up to you. If you both want to recognise each other and go through the fuckin’ pain of divorce, fuckin’ good, ’cause the rest of us do, so join the fuckin’ club.”

Angry old men yelling at older angry men to help change with world :’)

Read the full interview at Rolling Stone. Feature image via Noel Gallagher/Facebook.