Culture

A Love Letter To Aldi, Easily The Weirdest And Most Wonderful Grocery Store

I mean, who doesn't need a bag of apples, snow gear and a 3D printer in the same grocery trip?

by Michelle Rennex  26 August 2020
aldi

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Anytime you enter Aldi, you never know what you’re going to get.

From the knock-off brand names to the cashiers who scan your items at approximately 100km/h, a trip to Aldi is always a real adventure — but that’s the joy of it.

There’s truly is no weirder shopping experience than one to Aldi, where you can grab some fresh tomatoes, snow gear, a punching bag and a retractable ladder all from the one store. Then to be able to turn around and be greeted by a bunch of knock-off treats like Burger Rings Burger Hoops and Halo Top Ice Cream Kenny’s Frozen Dessert, that are somehow better than the real deal? Magic.

Now before you say this is a sponsored post by Aldi, I wish. I would probably take payment in form of 76 packets of Knoppers if they offered it, but they have not.

The truth is, I just really fucking love Aldi and here’s why:

The Sheer Speed Of The Cashiers Always Keeps You On Your Toes

If there’s one thing that everyone knows about Aldi is that the cashiers simply don’t know how to scan grocery items at a human speed.

The way the checkout workers sit in their little stools, flinging your items across to the bagging area without any fucks to give is truly admirable. Then, just knowing that the cashiers are watching you and judging as your struggle to bag your groceries adds that extra pressure.

Honestly, the pure adrenaline rush of trying to keep up with the checkout staff never fails to keeps you on your toes.

Then once you finally gather your items and momentarily catch your breath, the cashier decides to hand you a catalogue AFTER you’ve finished your shopping for the day.

Why would I need a catalogue now? Why wouldn’t you hand this to me as I walked into the store? What am I going to do, walk back in and shop again? Because, yes. That’s exactly what I’m going to do.

The Middle Aisle Full Of Random Shit Is Iconic

The most exciting part of Aldi is easily that aisle they have in the middle of the store full of the most random shit imaginable. These “Special Buys” never make any sense.

It’s always the most ridiculous pricing too, like a 70″ flatscreen TV for $3.50, a SpongeBob fairy floss spinner for $8.99 and a portable record player stuck inside a suitcase for $15. But honestly, that’s what makes a trip to Aldi so good.

You genuinely never know what you’re going to leave with but it’ll never run you broke — which is a good thing, because no one can resist the pull of the Aldi’s Middle Aisle™️ in all its chaotic glory.

Aldi Is Cheap As Hell And Their Off-Brands Slap

Aldi is every university students dream. It’s every broke city workers haven. It’s my personal oasis.

I don’t know how they do it, but everything is so cheap. That’s a lie. I do know how they do it — with very poorly disguised rip-off versions of everyone’s favourite treats. Now how they get away with it? That I don’t know.

Seriously, one walk down the cereal section and it’s hard to ignore the blatant copyright infringement going on. Fruity Rings? Wheat Biscuits? Breakfast Bubbles? Balanced Right? Bran & Sultanas? Is nothing sacred anymore??

But at the end of the day it doesn’t really matter, because these knock-off versions always seem to taste better than the original and are usually one-third of the price. Hell, their $8 wine was literally dubbed one of the world’s best wines back in 2017. EIGHT DOLLARS. WORLD’S BEST.

Aldi Forces You To Be Better To The Environment

You know how I know Aldi cares about the environment? Because there’s never a fucking bag in sight even when you desperately need one while you carry 23 items out of the store.

Honestly, Aldi have never really made plastic bags a ~thing~ for people at their stores. Instead, they force you to either bring your own like a responsible human being or rummage around the aisles like a gremlin to search for an available cardboard box to store your goods — even if that means absolutely destroying product displays to get one.

Most of the time you just forget to do this, so you end up just slinging all your groceries into your trolley haphazardly like an absolute madman. You don’t really have a choice either, it’s not like you can just double back and find a box because by the time you blink, the cashier has already scanned everything you placed up on the belt.

And this is exactly why they have that little shameful packing area to the side of the registers, because Aldi just KNOWS we’re all helpless at packing our own groceries after being spoiled with bagging services for so long.

But hopefully one day we can beat the Aldi overlords and achieve the world’s most impossible task: Matching the speedy checkout men and women of the world’s weirdest and most wonderful grocery store. One day, Aldi. One day.