Life

A List Of Reasons Why I Simply Don’t Like Christmas

Not sorry.

There should be no need to have to justify why I don’t like Christmas, and I think that it’s a shame that this is something that people like me get judged for.

Nonetheless, here are my personal reasons as to why I don’t really like Christmas.

Christmas Carols Are The Worst

Anyone who works in retail will tell you that Christmas carols are the handiwork of the devil. The secular ones (Jingle Bells and Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, to name a few) are cheesy, the religious ones fixate a little too much on Mary’s Miraculous Virgin Birth™, and everything else definitely comes from your grandma’s Michael Buble album.

Fruitcake

There are two types of people in this world: people who acknowledge that fruitcake is awful, and people who are lying. There is no better way to ruin cake than by adding fruit to it. Stop trying to make fruitcake happen.

My Wishlist Is Unrealistic

Growing up, my Christmas wish list consisted of things like Barbies, new dresses and chocolate. Now the things that I actually want for Christmas are either too expensive or unrealistic: better climate change policies, ethical treatment of all animals and Chris Hemsworth’s home address.

Christmas Decorations In November

I feel like it should be illegal to set up Christmas decorations in November. There should be on-the-spot fines for anyone even thinking of putting Christmas lights on their house. That being said…

Christmas Decorations In January

Just as it should be illegal to set up Christmas decorations in November, it should also be illegal to leave your decorations up in January.

Christmas Decorations Full Stop

It’s almost embarrassing how competitive people get when it comes to covering their house in Christmas lights. Sure, it’s nice that it makes local communities happy, but do people really have nothing better to do? Are they compensating for something? Are they trying to talk to Will in the Upside Down?

Getting Yelled At For Calling It ‘Xmas’

Conservatives seem to get a bee in their bonnet when secular words such as ‘happy holidays’ or ‘Xmas’ are used, as though atheists have nothing better to do than to make Jesus sad and spoil his birthday (sorry dude). Seeing as this hallowed Christian holiday has borrowed many traditions from pagan religions, how much of it is actually Christ-mas? Seeing as Christmas derives from the traditions of winter solstice and Saturnalia festivals, don’t give me your ‘Jesus is the reason for the season’ rhetoric. Calm down, Karen.

Digging Out The Christmas Tree

Even though our US neighbours across the pond are accustomed to buying a fresh tree every Christmas, we haven’t quite caught on to that in the Land Down Under. Instead, we buy a plastic fire hazard from our local Kmart and reuse it for as long as possible, throwing it haphazardly into the attic every January. 11 months later, removing it from the attic again is akin to excavating dinosaur bones from beneath layers of the Earth’s crust.

Being Made To Feel Bad For Not Liking Christmas

Why is it that Christmas is the only holiday in the year that absolutely HAS to be adored and celebrated? Say that you don’t really celebrate Easter or Halloween and no one bats an eye. But if you say that you’re not into Christmas, everyone loses their minds. How can you not like Christmas? Is there something wrong with you? It’s basically an over glorified birthday for everyone, get over it.

Let It Snow. Let It Snow, Please

It’s too hot to do anything on Christmas. The paper crowns from Christmas crackers stick to your sweaty forehead. And all of the carols about ‘white Christmases’ and frolicking in the snow are a bit unrealistic in this part of the world: if we went frolicking in this weather, we’d get skin cancer.

Is There Anything That I Do Like About Christmas? 

Yes. The cats that climb into the mangers of Nativity scenes and sleep there.

(Lead image: The Grinch Who Stole Christmas/Universal)