A Giant Inflatable Minion In Ireland Is Blocking Traffic, Probably About To Start Devouring Everyone
This is how the war begins.
As has been covered extensively by this publication, Minions are abominations unto man and beast and must be exterminated with maximum prejudice. You let ’em into your home, the next thing you know your daughter’s marrying one. It’s against nature, I tell ya!
But thanks to those politically-correct whingers in Washington and Canberra, Minions are still legal, and as the little yellow fuckers begin to gain sentience and act with hostile intent society is paying the price. A giant inflatable Minion set up by the side of the road in Dublin to advertise a fairground managed to break free of its chains yesterday, falling into oncoming traffic and clipping a car. No one was hurt, but it had murder in its goggled eyes and its black, cross-branded heart.
Dublin City Councillor Paul McAuliffe reported the loose Minion, warning that it could have led to a serious accident, albeit via a Minions-based pun.
— Cllr Paul McAuliffe (@PaulMcauliffe) August 3, 2015
In any case, “breach of health and safety” is the understatement of the year. Was it a breach of health and safety when Indominus Rex got loose? Or when the face-hugger found its first face to hug? If we don’t nip this Minion shit in the bud, they’re going to start hunting and eating us for sport. We’re going to end up cowering within a three-walled city, fighting them with blades and ziplines like in Attack on Titan.
When the war is over and Michael Bay turns it into an action movie, Shia LaBeouf will play Paul McAuliffe, the heroic civil servant who tried to warn us of the danger. But we didn’t listen. We didn’t listen.