You’ve barely put your pen down before the exam room explodes with chatter. Someone in every direction has something to say, and you literally just want to block your ears, grab your bag and run away.

You jump up, pencil case and water bottle in hand. You’re on your way outta here for good! Goodbye exam! See ya later failure! You are now a figment of my past! Destined to (hopefully) never be repeated again!

Until you get trapped in the aisle by one of the following.

#1 The Snake

They slither up to you, slide into the conversation and poison the dialogue with the classic, “How’d you go?”. While the conversation might start with a nice question, it takes about 0.003 milliseconds before it descends into a full-blown jerk off of galactic proportions.

The classic, “Oh, you only mentioned one case for question one? I thought it was obviously asking about those three cases so I added an extra counter-argument to differentiate myself” literally packs three insults in one.

Did I mention that they’re usually not a good friend of yours either? You’ve seen them in the lectures, and maybe around the library but never hung out socially. They only seem to appear at these exact moments to extract what information they can before they slither onto the next acquaintance they can cross question. Avoid at all costs.

#2 The Sulker

“Ohh myy-ee gawd, that was the absolute worst! I am defs going to fail” is how it begins. And then continues for about three hours/weeks after the exam. Tears optional.

Their negativity and self-pity is completely unwarranted. Sulkers are usually the over-achieving type and hold themselves to such a high standard that no combination of questions or even infinite time would have changed their outlook.

Exams are stressful and we all get emotionally invested, sure, but if someone is that whingey about it they need to learn some resilience. It’s done. It’s finished. You can’t do anything to change it! You either pass, which is great, or you fail, in which case you’ve got notes for next year already sorted.

#3 The “All-Nighter” Liar  

Opposite to the sulker is the person who “only started studying last night, lol” but somehow “thought it went really well”. LIAR. They either studied just as hard as everyone else, but want a convenient, publicly-recorded excuse when their mark isn’t fantastic, or are simply so ignorant of the content they legitimately thought the exam was OK.

Although it might seem passive aggressive, the ultimate bubble-burst to this person is the simple eyeroll. They know you see through their façade and there’s no more lying to you, or themselves. Boom.

#4 Drink To Forget Friend

You’ve managed to shove your way out of the exam hall. You’re so close to your car. The ugg boots at home are calling your name. Suddenly, you get trapped by your mate who “needs a beer after that exam”. It’s 10am.

Mumble an excuse about studying for the next exam, and get out of there.

(Lead image: Golden Globes)