10 Viral News Stories You’ll Be Sharing In 2014
From North West’s fabulous first birthday bash to Lil Bub’s untimely death, we predict the things you'll be reading about this year.
There are a number of very big things happening in 2014. The Chairman of the US Federal Reserve is retiring, Egypt and India are holding major elections, and the deadline for American and British troops to pull out of Afghanistan arrives in December. Really, though, who cares about any of that stuff in a year when MEAN GIRLS IS TURNING 10!??
We want our news stories to be sexy, and preferably to come with pictures of cats and outrageous Kanye West quotes. A few gifs of Miley Cyrus coming in like a wrecking ball don’t hurt, either. We want viral content, dammit, and we want it now. With that in mind, we present to you our predictions for the biggest viral news stories of 2014.
These are the stories you’ll be seeing on your Facebook wall in the year to come, the stories you’ll be retweeting, the stories that will make you feel smugly superior to everyone else as you ask “Why is this news?”, or way worse about the state of your own life as you realise that Mark Zuckerberg is still richer than you’ll ever be. Enjoy!
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‘Happy 30th Birthday, Mark Zuckerberg!’
What’s that? Mark Zuckerberg is the young, wealthy and fabulously successful founder of Facebook, and you’re a loser with Pizza Shapes crumbs all down your shirt? You’re right to feel bad about yourself.
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‘RIP Lil Bub’
We all knew this day was coming. The internet will miss you, Lil Bub — sorry about the fact that we literally killed you by parading your poor sickly self around like our collective plaything. You really did put the ‘cute’ into ‘acute congenital defects’.
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‘Mean Girls Is 10 Years Old, Suck On That!’
Lindsay Lohan’s career and face might be pretty messed up, but oh boy, that Lizzy Caplan sure did go on to do some incredible things! Here are a bunch of so fetch gifs and quotes to celebrate the fact that Mean Girls is old as balls but still the greatest movie ever.
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‘Inside North West’s Amazing First Birthday’
The most impactful baby in the world is turning one! Will hologram Michael Jackson perform at her party? Will she pull off that one-of-a-kind Balenciaga bib? Will Kanye somehow manage to steal the limelight? Yes, yes and yes.
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‘OMFG, What Just Happened In Game Of Thrones Season 4?’
OMG, you guys, can you believe that thing that person just did to that other person in the TV show, Game Of Thrones?
I’m still shaking and crying. Talk about a game-changer.
I don’t know how to go on living my life after this.
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‘Tetris Is 30 Years Old’
Did you know Tetris came out 30 years ago? That shit’s crazy. Please enjoy this lengthy New Yorker article about how we got from there to Candy Crush Saga.
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‘Kurt Cobain Was The Last Great Rock Star’
Kurt Cobain killed himself 20 years ago, and rock died with him. Cue the hand-wringing editorials about how it’s all Biebers and Mumfords and EDM DJs these days, and it’s time to bring back real music, maaaaaan.
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‘More Exclusive Footage From Marvel’s Guardians Of The Galaxy’
Watch this exclusive blooper reel footage of Chris Pratt dropping a wicked burrito-spiced fart on the set of Guardians Of The Galaxy. You guys, if we just ignore the fact that we’re completely oversaturated with Marvel bullshit as it is, this movie is going to be epic!
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‘23 Puppies That Can’t Believe What Justin Bieber Just Did’
Did you see what Justin Bieber just did? It was pretty gross, you guys. These 23 puppies can’t believe the depths the former teen idol has sunk to now. This is a new low, even for the guy who peed in a bucket and banged all those hookers.
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‘Happy 40th Birthday, Alyson Hannigan!’
Willow is 40. What the actual, literal fuck? Oh my god, we’re all so old and we’re all going to die really soon.
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Alasdair Duncan is an author, freelance writer and video game-lover who has had work published in Crikey, The Drum, The Brag, Beat, Rip It Up, The Music Network, Rave Magazine, AXN Cult and Star Observer.