You Need To Stop Playing Candy Crush Saga

If Candy Crush Saga were named more honestly, it would be called Soul Crush Bonanza. Or possibly Credit Crush Chronicle. It would definitely still have Crush in the title.

Whether you’ve played it or not, you’ve all seen this smartphone game by now: over the shoulder of a fellow public transporter, played by a friend or family member who’s ignoring you during dinner, maybe in the videoclip to Psy’s single ‘Gentleman‘. On several separate occasions I’ve even spotted tradies with a cigarette in one hand, phone in the other, gaze focused squarely on the colourful exploding grid.

The goals of each level of the game can differ, but the essential mechanics remain the same throughout: line up three or more identically-coloured candies (or “lollies”, but I’m going to continue to call them candies for the rest of the piece) to gain points and allow new candies (see?) to fall into their place. It’s been done before (Bejeweled, Shariki, etc.), but CCS has a peculiar “pop” to it. There’s stickiness to the imagery of course, but also to the mechanics of it — the variety of bonus power-ups are an excellent reward for strategic gameplay, and experienced players will find themselves working four or five moves ahead of what’s immediately visible in order to, for instance, line up two lines of five colours, thus being able to swipe two freckled candies together and decimate the entire grid in one move. It’s satisfying!

Sure It’s Satisfying, But It’s Also EVIL

Those of you who have yet to download the app can count yourselves supremely fortunate. This is not to say that the game is bad — the game is great! — but more that Human Beings are bad, and assuming you are a Human Being you will fall into the same terrible traps that every Human Being does: “Well, the app was free and I’m struggling to beat this one level,” you say to yourself. “I’m sure purchasing a 99c power-up in order to get out of this rut is totally justifiable this one time, and I will never do it again!” — or, “I know I can ask my friends for a ticket to the next level pack, but they might not respond immediately and the game was free so I can just buy this first level pack and do it properly next time!”

You might have noticed in the App Store that, while this game constantly tops the Free Games list, it also tops the Top Grossing list based on in-game purchases alone. Those devious bastards at developer King have not only crafted a frighteningly simple and fun game, but have also cracked a Farmland-level understanding of the casual gamer mindset, and applied that understanding nefariously.

You might also have noticed, from the way I’m writing about it, that I’ve fallen victim to the Crush myself. The game’s annual revenue is said to have quadrupled to about $500 million in one year. I choose not to disclose how much of that has come from me.

Recently, more and more of my peers have been suffering from the same addiction, jumping on that delicious-looking, fluorescent horse with vigour, so I’m taking it upon myself to help. To any and all newcomers, seasoned Crushers or even those slightly tempted to join the fun, I’m here to tell you: It doesn’t have to be this way! There are colourful, addictive, cheap, engaging, quick games littered all over that iOS store*, both old and new, that I’m currently leaning on in order to (slowly, carefully) lower my Candy Crush Saga daily dosage.

The following seem to be working for me, at least. Let them help you too.

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1. Whale Trail (Cost – $0.00)

I’ve owned this game since 2011, and I still return to it. Whale Trail is a REAL sugar high. And you wanna talk about colour? Look at those screenshots! Plus it’s got a soundtrack by Super Furry Animals songwriter Gruff Rhys — the reason I bought the game in the first place. An auto-scroller in the vein of Canabalt or Jetpack Joyride, it’s much more paced and less stressful. It’s also got a lot of unlockable extras and great character skins, and I’ve never spent a dollar on it. Some people might call it too slow, but I’d call those people heartless.

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2. Ridiculous Fishing (Cost – $2.99)

Ridiculous Fishing is an impeccably controlled, beautiful looking metagame, secretly hiding at least four or five excellent smaller games within. Maneuvering your fishing line is intuitive and fun; the story (if you even bother to notice it, which I didn’t initially) is hilarious; the fish are varied and interesting; and the ‘Catch Em All’ aspect of the game always appeals to my inner Pokemon trainer.

There’s a price tag on the app, but the hours you put into it will make up for that. And please, if you do play it, let me know where to find some of the secret fish. I’m still looking for a bunch and it’s killing me.

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3. TNNS (Cost – $1.99)

Imagine a more fun Pong, with precise curving physics and the colour palette straight out of a Japanese Gameboy Advance puzzle game. The quick pace is excellent for when you’re standing in line, but there’s a two-player mode that’s perfect for tablet play too.

This game has the same “pop” that Candy Crush has: everything is perfectly positioned for fast action and addictive re-playability, plus the levels generate in a seemingly random order based on your performance in the previous level. You’ll never get the same sequence twice.

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* Yes that’s right. Not all of these games are all available on Android devices, because I don’t own an Android device and I don’t want to lie to anyone about my experiences. This is not a slight against people who DO own an Android device, because my girlfriend is one of those people and you all seem rather nice and protective of your cool gizmo. Plus I don’t really have much of an attachment to my iPhone anyway, okay? If you feel grumpy about this, go and play Ingress because that game looks hecka cool and I’m very jealous that I can’t experience it.

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Alexander Tulett presents Close To The Edge on FBi 94.5, plays bass for alt-pop band Maux Faux and DJs hip hop under the name Moranis. You can also find him on Twitter.