The internet is buzzing with the news that Mattel has rebooted the Ken doll. The toy giant has just announced the release of 15 brand-new Ken dolls — with man buns, “broad bodies” and cornrows to boot.

And boy, these Woke Kens sure are recognisable. Maybe you swiped right on one of these dudes, mining Tinder for opportunities late at night with a rosé in hand. Perhaps you spotted a Woke Ken on your train to work this morning flipping disdainfully through a copy of Roxane Gay’s Bad Feminist?

Whatever the case may be, clearly the most important Ken reboot-related question is: which of these new Woke Kens is YOUR next problematic crush?

---

Pool Rat Ken

You met Pool Rat Ken lounging in the sun by the pool in your friend’s apartment complex. You brought your own poolside alcohol, but Pool Rat Ken raids his friends’ fridges for a chilled bottle of prosecco (or five), and pops the cork right into the middle of the communal swimming pool.

His friends are crazy attractive bikini babes he met at a promotions gig — which is also where he got that pink inflatable flamingo pool toy. He sometimes models, but only sometimes. He’s not, like, a model or anything

Pool Rat Ken is two-thirds of the way through a Commerce degree he has no intention of finishing. (Or maybe he’ll just do a JD?) He is so loud when he talks about the pansexual orgy he had at the afterparty of an independent theatre production, all the kids have had to vacate the pool lest they hear him mention “cum tunnels” again within earshot.

---

“MRA Is A Slur” Ken

Did you catch last night’s Hack Live debate on the prompt: “Is Male Privilege Bullshit”? If you didn’t, allow “MRA Is A Slur” Ken to recap the episode for you, blow by blow, including screenshots of tweets he captured on his phone because he deemed them hurtful.

This Ken was head of the Firsts rowing team at his residential Sydney University college. He prefers any sexual misconduct allegations to be conducted internally. He is a moderator for the Facebook Group “Sydney Uni Boys Will Be Boys”.

You might fuck him; you’ve heard he’s good in bed. But you wouldn’t tell your girlfriends. Or you would, but you’d preface the story with “You’re going to be soooooo mad at me!” Plus, when you actually did it, you’d discover he expects you to go down, but he never would. It’s nothing to do with you, he promises; it’s just a “weird thing” of his. You never stay the night — I mean, there’s no room for you on the single mattress anyway.

---

Gamergate Ken

When you date Gamergate Ken, you’ll always come second to his LAN parties, but damn, he’ll appreciate that you bought him that 24-pack of Monster energy drinks to help him through the long nights. Of course, it’s not like he supports Gamergate. Of course not. For this Ken, there is totally a place for women in the gamer community. I mean, he is all for more female avatars — especially the hot ones.

He knows how to code, but he’d prefer if you asked someone else to help fix that bug on your portfolio website. And when you’re on your first Tinder date together, he’ll spend most of it explaining to you exactly how the algorithm matched the two of you together.

He likes you, obviously, but really it’s the coders at Tinder who bumped you up his swipe list. And when he comes to your apartment and notices how your internet is shaped as fuck, he’ll complain about it, but he doesn’t want to fix it. Just in case he fucks it up, because he’s not even that good at coding, you know? You get it. Also, hey, what’s the WiFi password here?

---

Young Libs Ken

Young Libs Ken met you while you were protesting Tony Abbott’s invitation to speak at a public lecture on campus. Your eyes locked across the picket line, and when that rotten tomato splattered all over his cream blazer, you knew it was love. Now he’s working at a big consulting film and, it’s not like he’s embarrassed that you still bartend six nights a week, but, like, when are you going to get your life together, babe?

Still, there’s nothing like all-night table service at Spice Temple, or overnight stays in a deluxe suite at Crown to remind you that he’s worth dating, even though he called your environmental engineer brother a “deadbeat loser”. Plus, he keeps telling you he’ll take you to his father’s cliffside property in Sorrento (the one that was decorated by the interior designer who later became his first stepmother). But, like, please wear something appropriate, babe?

---

Poetic Sadboy Ken

“The world is broken, and we’re all going to die anyway, so why don’t we just make out?” If you’ve ever been taken in by this line, I’m sorry to tell you that you’ve already dated Poetic Sadboy Ken. He’s brilliant. Like, he’s really really brilliant. Did you read that piece he shared? The one he wrote for Scum Mag? About six months ago? And his Twitter feed! And, sure, he hasn’t been writing much recently. And he does smoke a lot of weed. But weed is totally all natural, so it’s totally ok.

And wouldn’t you smoke that much if you were smart enough to realise how deeply fucked human society was? That’s why he tags you in so many nihilistic memes. And he knows you want to have that conversation about where you’re going (it’s been eight months, so it’s totally fair), but he’s just not a guy who is super into labels. And he just got out of this really intense relationship with this really controlling woman. It was this other writer woman, who other people say is really hot but to be honest he doesn’t even see it anymore. (Did you see her book? It got a great write up in The Age this weekend, not that he was looking out for it or anything.)

So you guys aren’t strictly boyfriend/girlfriend, and he is fluid with his sexuality, so he’s really free about sex and stuff, and you guys can totally see other people. I mean, it’s 2017! But he would just feel uncomfortable if you hooked up with another guy. Which is totally fair enough, of course.

---

Fun Guy Ken

Fun Guy Ken is truly a fun guy. You guys met at a park party in Royal Park. And you shared some of his “totally fine, I promise” cocaine. And he joked about making you snort it off his penis… I mean, you think he was joking. And the next day he followed you on Snapchat, and sent you a snap of him vomiting up tequila shots in his staff bathroom. So, it kinda just went from there.

Don’t get me wrong, you would never actually date Fun Guy Ken. But if you text him at 11.30pm and ask him “what’s up, bae?”, he’ll always come to yours for an energetic romp. So energetic, in fact, your neighbours have taken to banging really over-dramatically on the wall between your bedroom and their apartment. Because, come on, as if it’s that loud.

Fun Guy Ken is the kind of scatterbrain fun guy who meets you for sex but always forgets the condom. But it’s fine, right, bae? Because you’re on the pill, and even though he hasn’t been tested, like, super recently, he’s pretty sure he doesn’t have anything.

Every time your heart gets broken, you can ring up Fun Guy Ken and he’ll come right over. And he’ll scoop you up in his arms and say, “But you’re so sexy, bae! Who wouldn’t want to be with you?” Which is cute, and all, but you’re just hoping he remembers he can’t stay the night because you prefer to sleep alone. Fun Guy Ken will never, ever be allowed to meet you mother. God, can you even imagine?

–

Matilda Dixon-Smith is Junkee’s Staff Writer. She tweets at @mdixonsmith.