Who Wants To Buy Maynard James Keenan From Tool’s Ridiculous House?

There are two types of people in the world — those who live in ridiculously opulent Hollywood Hills mansions once owned by Maynard James Keenan, and those who do not. If you aspire to be the first type of person, then you might just be in luck. The singer, best known for being a part of the bands Tool and A Perfect Circle, has just put his Beachwood Canyon house on the market for an intense and face-meltingly heavy $2.795 million.

Keenan’s rock star pad is the perfect blend of classic Los Angeles style with South-East Asian accents and a hint of something from a Benzedrine-fuelled, ‘Arabian Nights’ fever dream. What are you even waiting for? Come take a tour of your new place with us.

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The Kitchen

The kitchen features an island in the style of an old-fashioned apothecary table, with all sorts of dark secrets in its various compartments. It also comes with a cute wooden cut-out of the word ‘CAFÉ’, because even metal gods have a sense of whimsy.

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The Media Room

In which Maynard probably screened dark and twisted movies like Luis Buñuel and Salvador Dali’s eyeball-slicing Un Chien Andalou, or maybe Happy Gilmore if he was in a less ominous mood and just wanted to have a good laugh.

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The Swimming Pool

Imagine kicking back with a Bloody Mary in one hand and a semi-conscious groupie in the other, looking out at your killer view of the Hollywood sign. “Why can’t we not be sober?” indeed.

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The Bathroom

With his-n-hers sinks, because crushing angst and alienation are always better for two.

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The Dining Room

Hopefully Keenan has a bigger table somewhere, because playing Settlers Of Catan on this cramped thing would be a nightmare.

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The Bedroom

To be totally honest, I’m not even sure if this thing is a bed, but whatever it is, somebody has probably smoked opium on it.

Get bidding!

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Alasdair Duncan is an author, freelance writer and video game-lover who has had work published in Crikey, The Drum, The Brag, Beat, Rip It Up, The Music Network, Rave Magazine, AXN Cult and Star Observer.