What Even Is An Anthony Albanese?

In the parliamentary implosion that was #Kevenge*, the Labor party was reduced to a level of snivelling share-house politics. Julia didn’t take the Mining Tax bins out. Wayne Ca$h Money didn’t add up the Carbon kitty correctly. Stevo messed around with the Internet and the magazine subscriptions or something.

Tensions simmered. Angry glances were shot. Toilet seats were left up. Passive-aggressive notes were scrawled and passed around but nobody admitted to seeing them.  Finally, Bill Shorten screeched, “Guys, I can’t do this anymore! We’re calling a house meeting. I’m putting this shit up on Gumtree.”

(The neighbours at number LNP heard the nearby screams, smiled ruefully to themselves, tended their manicured lawns and pretended that they were so far above all this juvenile pettiness).

Then came a gleeful knock at the door and ex-housemate Kevin Rudd casually declared his return. But oh look, he brought a friend. “This is Albo,” announced ex-housemate Kevin Rudd. Then ex-housemate Kevin Rudd grinned that grin he always used to grin and we kind of wanted to smack ex-housemate Kevin Rudd in the jaw.

* See also: #Ruddvenge, #RuddWedding, #FedWedding, #ThereiseReinsOfCastamere, #spillibuster, #GoodRuddance, #Kevolution, and, briefly, #ReTurnbull

Anthony Alba-who?

The newly instated deputy leader of the Labor party, despite being labelled a ‘powerbroker’, has kept a relatively low public profile during his time in parliament. Or at least hasn’t done anything too outwardly embarrassing to warrant headlines of utter damnation. So, here are some Albanese fun facts, just so we all know what kind of personality type is moving into our national share-house.   

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Planes, Trains And Automobiles Are His Thang. (Among Other Thangs.)

Since 2007, Albanese has been Minister for Infrastructure and Transport. He’s campaigned for high-speed rail and has successfully channelled more Commonwealth funding into local infrastructure. He juggles all this with being Leader of the House (i.e. the guy who sorts out which bills will be debated when), and, as of this year, also takes care of the Regional Development and Local Government portfolio. Busy dude.

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Often Gets Slapped With The ‘Powerbroker’ Tag. But Often Backs The Wrong Candidates To Put Power Behind.

Albo doesn’t have a great track record in terms of backing successful leadership candidates. In fact, he’s consistently backed losing candidates since 2003. Australia’s crazy uncle, Mark Latham, wrote in 2012, “Albanese’s backing is like being smooched in the Garden of Gethsemane. It’s the kiss of death.” We can only speculate, then, that after finally choosing the right one, he treated himself to many rounds of internal hi-fiving on Wednesday night.

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Possessor Of A “Great Labor Heart”.

This is something Gillard said of him in 2012. Somehow, despite Albanese’s open support of Rudd since the very first challenge to Gillard’s leadership, he’s still managed to keep his job and remain highly regarded by Gillard. Although, not totally sure how she’d feel about that statement now that he’s in her former place at the wounded heart of the Labor leadership.

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Friend To Gays.

Firstly, let’s all turn our attention to this for a moment:

Okay, good.

Since his induction into parliament (way back in the cultural dark ages of the late ‘90s), Albanese has campaigned fervently against discrimination. In his first parliamentary year he fought for same-sex couples to become eligible for superannuation. “I think I’m one of the few people who mentioned sexuality in their first speech on the floor of this parliament,” he told Fairfax’s Tim Lester.

It took three tries over nine years, but eventually the superannuation legislation got through. Today, he is one of the most open Labor MP supporters of same-sex marriage. (Although as of May this year, Kevin Rudd was catching up.)

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Can Get Question-Time-Feisty

A couple days back, Albo launched an all-out smackdown on Malcom Turnbull and what he calls the Coalition’s “fraudband” scheme. He denounced the LNP’s push to implement copper wires: “Indeed, another member … is recorded as arguing [the case for copper]. Look it up in Hansard: 23^rd November 1910.” Cue chamber laughter. “103 years ago, this bloke -” he gestures forcefully at Turnball and pronounces with sarcastic aplomb, “would’ve been a visionary… but today he’s way behind.” Even Malcolm cracks a smile.

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(Allegedly) A Bit Of A Music Fan.

Rumour has it that Albo was once sighted gettin’ loose at a Pogues gig, whilst proudly donning a Pixies shirt. Please note this is speculation only — but man, if he’s moving in with us, here’s hoping he brings his record collection.

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Once Plagiarised Aaron Sorkin In A Speech.

As Twitter quite rightly pointed out on Wednesday night, Sorkin himself couldn’t have written last night any better. Or weirder.

In 2012, Albanese was caught out ripping quite a long line from a presidential speech in the Sorkin-penned film ‘The American President’. Sure plagiarism is bad, but this particular case is kind of endearing, right? “”I’m not sure I’ve ever seen the show to be honest,” he conceded. “I’m a bigger fan of The West Wing.”

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Is A Vehicle For Awful Puns.

Let’s lay down some hypothetical scenarios here.

What’s that? He gone sent some naughty text messages? More like, Anthony Alba-sleazy.

It’s springtime in the house and allergies abound! Watch out for Anthony Alba-sneezy.

Oh no, he cracked a dad joke again — so Alba-cheesy.

Another Liberal fundraiser needs new hilarious menu options. “Yes, I’ll take those eggs Anthony Over-easy.”

(Dear Mainstream Press, if any of these become in any way applicable over the next few months, you can have them on us. You’re welcome.)

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And yet, while we’re all still reeling from the train wreck that is #auspol, we aren’t really sure how to welcome you, Albo. A warm embrace would be a bit too much, so we’ll just offer you a firm handshake for now. And, hate to be a downer, but it might not be worth getting too comfortable in your new deputy leader room; this is a share-house that has some tumultuous times ahead of it. It doesn’t even look like landlady Quentin Bryce can sort this shit out.

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Kimberley Thomson is a Melbourne-based writer who blogs about the boundless struggles of learning how to journalism at The Freak Kingdom. She also proffers lukewarm #qanda gags on twitter @2bottlethomson