Toxic Pollution Might Be Breaking Polar Bear Penises And John Oliver Is Justifiably Furious About It
It's a very upsetting prospect.
Earth Day is coming, and the erstwhile cuddly face of environmentalism, the polar bear stranded on a block of ice, just doesn’t have the pulling power that it once did — not only are the Arctic ice caps rapidly shrinking, a number of countries are racing to drill the oil exposed by said melting ice because people are massive idiots.
To rekindle public interest in the polar bear’s plight Earth Day’s organisers need a new angle, something that will shock people out of their complacency, and John Oliver might have found the perfect thing — toxic pollution could be making polar bear’s dicks break. According to a study in Science Direct journal, delightfully titled ‘Penile density and globally used chemicals in Canadian and Greenland polar bears’, residual toxic chemicals in the food chain may be causing damage to the baculum, a penis in the bone of polar bears as well as many other mammals, potentially impeding the animals’ ability to mate. National Geographic picked up on the study in January, but their efforts to draw attention to it were hampered by being a respectable publication unable to include phrases like “breaking polar bear penises” in their headlines. Oliver is understandably livid at the thought of these mighty creatures being laid low by a broken dickbone, and has taken it upon himself to right a wrong.
Campaign aside, that National Geographic footage of bears humping is some wild shit. Someone consciously made the decision to take that footage and set it to an ’80s porn soundtrack, and I hope to hell none of us ever meet that person.