Undercover Sharri Markson, “Ethics In Videogame Journalism”, And Nine Other Costumes That Will Win Halloween
Still haven’t got your Halloween outfit sorted? Here. Let us help.
Ahead of this year’s Halloween, we asked the Junkee family for a few topical costume suggestions.
They’re not all particularly PC, but at least none of them involve blackface.
Scroll through below.
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Retired Margaret and David
Recommended by: Melanie Ma-boney
Remember how much fun Margaret and David were when they were on TV? Just imagine how much more fun they are now they are retired!
Think endless days on the golf course, mid-week movie marathons, base jumping, road trips around Australia, long boozy lunches and trips to Cannes NOT DURING THE FILM FESTIVAL. It’s paradise.
While your clothing must be on point, it’s your attitude that is going to make this costume work. If you’re planning on being Margaret ensure to drink, or act like you’ve drunk, lots of white wine before you arrived at the party. With all this spare time on her hands (along with a healthy payout from the ABC) Margaret has developed a taste for premium wine and spends her days restaurant hopping throughout the French Rivera so ensure to channel that when you step out of the house.
David has loosened up a lot since he retired. Sick of spending so much of his life in dark cinemas, he’s developed a love for the great outdoors and taken to base jumping and mountain bike riding. These new hobbies have brought out a more playful spirit in David who now uses phrases such as ‘Gnarly’ and ‘Chill Bro’.
GET THE LOOK!
Margaret (after a long lunch in Cannes)
This blonde bob wig: $15.99, from Wig Outlet
A kaftan: $599 from Camilla
Two wine glasses: $3.99 each from Ikea
Bottle of 2009 Dr Loosen Erdener Paralat Auslese: $124 from Dan Murphys
David (on his way to a mountain bike race)
Spectacles (he couldn’t ride without them): $35, from eBay
A helmet: $81.42 from Mountain Bikes Direct
Riding shorts, top and shoes: $270 from Mountain Bikes Direct
A can of Red Bull: $5 from any service station or 7-Eleven
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Further reading: ‘Margaret And David Just Retired. At The Movies Is Over.‘, by Steph Harmon
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#Gamergate
Recommended by: Social Justice Warlock
Gamergaters don’t like being stereotyped as Cheeto-encrusted basement-dwellers. Indeed, the worst slice of the internet is actually full of poor, sweet, innocent, naive gamers from all walks of life who just want “ethics in journalism” (welcome to the club, kidlets), and are perfectly comfortable standing under a banner hand-stitched by anti-feminist trolls and harassers and insisting that the founders are actually the fringe.
So if you feel like being the worst person at your Halloween shindig, skip the eyeliner neckbeard, and go to a Halloween party dressed as a literal gamer-gate: strap a dollar-shop child or pet safety gate to your torso with an ethernet cable, decorate it with anime stickers and/or controllers strung through the bars, and then — and this is the most important part, because you don’t want people to get the wrong idea — spend your whole evening walking up to groups of people in the middle of conversations and very politely interjecting “Actually, it’s about ethics in video game journalism”. If they act like you’re being rude, point out how polite you’re being, and suggest that they are engaging in ad hominem attacks. To be even more accurate, bring 25 randoms to the party with you, all dressed similarly, and call them over en masse to join your conversation if anybody criticises you or your costume or your hobbies or anything about you. When the people you’re talking to back away slowly, terrified, exasperated or just in physical pain from laughing at you, celebrate your rhetorical victory over them by high-fiving all your friends. Repeat at every party any one of you were invited to, and some you weren’t.
[Obama at podium] I’m not concerned about ISIS What worries me is [Clears throat] Ethics in video game journalism. — James Colley (Ghost) (@JamColley) October 24, 2014
GET THE LOOK!
Gate: $31, from eBay Cable: $6, from eBay Gaming headset (headphones with mic): $15.99, from eBay Anime stickers: $8.50, from eBay Old controllers (the older the better): $23.99, from eBay Unshakeable faith in your own rightness: priceless – Further reading: ‘Gamergate Should Stop Lying To Itself‘, by Jesse Singal for New York Magazine –
U2’s Unwanted, Unannounced Album
Recommended by: Michelle See-Through (like a ghost)
If you still haven’t found the party you’re looking for, why not just crash all the others? Just like Bono et al., U 2 can show up without an invitation! (See what I did there?)
Excuse me @U2 how do I get your terrible garbage album off my phone? — Thomas Malmberg (@TMambo37) October 27, 2014
Finding cool enough parties to crash will cost you time, but it’s worth it if you manage to make it to everyone’s backyard in a single night — especially if they don’t know you’re coming.
GET THE LOOK!
Crash-worthy party: free, from Facebook.
Bono:
Team tinted sunnies with a big old leather jacket and, you’ll be partying ‘Where The Streets Have No Name‘. Coloured sunglasses: $20.00, from eBay Leather jacket: $125.00, from ASOS, or free from your parents’ closet
The Edge:
Rock this edgy look and no Halloween party will turn you down. Black beanie: $5.83 from Etsy T-shirt with abstract design on front: $12.95 – $25.00, from Threadless
Adam Clayton:
Adam doesn’t really have a signature outfit, but his silvery hair definitely makes him stand out from the rest of the band. He’s also often photographed in business shirts, so maybe you could wear one of those. Silver hair spray: $9.95, from eBay Business shirt: $20.00, from Rivers
Larry Mullen, Jr.:
To get Larry’s look, you need to pull your hair back enough for it to look like a receding hairline, and bare your chest a little too. Hair gel: $3.99 – $13.69, from Chemist Warehouse Polo shirt: $55.96, from The Iconic (just remember to leave ALL buttons undone) – Further reading: ‘U2 ‘Song of Innocence’ Track by Track Review‘, by Elmo Keep –
The Idiot Senator Who Wore A Hi-Vis Mining Vest In Parliament
Recommended by: David Swarm (of bees)
The government has been all-around scary pretty much all year, but one of the most baffling and cringey moments was when Senator Ian Macdonald, Australia’s longest serving current Senator, voted on legislation with a high-vis vest emblazoned with “australiansforcoal.com.au”. Greens senator Scott Ludlam rose to the occasion by holding up a ‘srsly?’ sign, becoming the coolest member of Australian parliament since Paul Keating appeared on the cover of Rolling Stone — and it went ebola-level viral for Junkee, which is cool too. For this number ideally you’ll be at some sort of party with some political people who ‘get it’, so you don’t come off as much of a dickhead as Senator Macdonald did in parliament; you’ll also need an acquaintance who is really far to the left of you on the political spectrum. Feel free to offer up sponsorships on your vest in exchange for beverages, but become indignant and defend your freedoms if anyone calls you out on it. And, whenever you want to leave the party, simply shout ‘double dissolution!’ and storm out. Srsly.
GET THE LOOK!
Mining interests: check out latest pricing here. Dirty money: a few $5 notes plus dirt, which is free. Hi-vis vest: $4.95 from GotStock.com White hair spray: $6.95 from Hair House Warehouse Wire frame glasses: $28 from Etsy One friend with paper sign standing behind you: Free, hopefully. – Further reading: ‘This Idiot Senator Wore A Hi-Vis Mining Vest In Parliament And Got Torn To Bits By Everyone‘, by Alex McKinnon –
ELLO
Recommended by: Clem Bat’s Toe
Just when you were having enough trouble spreading your time between Facebook, Instagram, Twitter and Tumblr, along came another social network: Ello, the “beautiful, simple, and ad-free social network”. “Beautiful” because apparently nothing says beauty like a social network that looks like you’ve hit the ‘view page source’ button; and “ad-free” because the bulk of social media users are giant adult babies who don’t understand things like “revenue” or “cost to run”.
*checks* Yup, ello is still ugly as hell and with a non-intuitive user interface. *closes* — RIP Rachel Evans (@rvedotrc) October 24, 2014
Ello’s main selling point — aside from the fact that its name sounds like something from Big Train’s rip off of The Birds — was its lack of advertising. Will they make good on that promise to remain unsullied by ‘sponsored posts’ and ads for singles in your area? They just picked up $5.5m in venture funding, and are currently the world’s fastest growing social network, so it looks likely. That’s more important than users’ privacy (or lack thereof), right?
So, until it goes the way of Friendster and that iPhone-only one that everyone tried for a few minutes and then forgot, treat yourself to a beautiful, simple and ad-free Halloween costume with this black-text-on-a-white-background ensemble.
GET THE LOOK!
White Cotton/Spandex Bodysuit: $36.00, from American Apparel
Fridge Poetry: $19.95, from Magnetic Poetry
Black Plastic Plate (for mask): $9.96 for a pack of 50, from Lombard’s
White Paint Marker (for ‘smile’): $5.98, from Officeworks
Custom Badges (for all your Ello friends’ avatars): $1.26 each, from MakeBadges.com.au
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Further reading: ‘Junk Explained: Is New Social Media Network ELLO Really All It’s Cracked Up To Be?‘, by Mel Campbell
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Tony Abbott’s Shirtfront
Recommended by: Grievous Bodily-Harmon
When Tony Abbott threatened to “shirtfront” Vladamir Putin at the upcoming G20 summit, I am sure I’m not the only person in Australia who responded with confusion. I had never heard that word used as a verb before, so imagined it as a noun nestled within an extremely confusing sentence. He’s going to grab Putin by the shirtfront? He’s going to take Putin’s shirtfront? He’s going to put his shirtfront near Putin’s shirtfront, to see whose shirtfront is better?
Now, of course, I understood it to be a sort of sporting attack move that occurs sometimes in the football. But I still prefer my version.
GET THE LOOK!
Fake front of shirt: $5.29, from eBay
Red budgee smugglers: $50 from Budgee Smuggler
Hyper-masculine attitude that makes no friends, and alienates women: See below.
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Further reading: ‘Tony Abbott’s “Shirtfront” Threat, Seamlessly Inserted Into The Untouchables‘, by Steph Harmon.
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V. Stiviano
Recommended by: Nic-hell-as Bone-shaker
There was nothing funny about the scandal that engulfed former Los Angeles Clippers owner/bloated burnt umber walrus Donald Sterling earlier this year, after audio recordings of the billionaire’s racist comments were made public courtesy of TMZ.
Wait, no – there was one: soon after the shitstorm erupted, Sterling, his wife and his PR camp pointed the finger at V. Stiviano, the “female friend” and self-proclaimed “Artist, Lover, Writer, Chef, Poet, Stylist, Philanthropist” they accused of leaking the audio.
Aside from the amusing fact she uses the name V. (so chic!), she only compounded the crazy by wearing some questionably flippant ensembles – and a series of absolutely insane reflective face shields – each time she appeared in public. The Daft Punkian visor was ostensibly meant to protect her from UV rays/the paparazzi, but in the process turned our V. into the accidental style icon of 2014.
GET THE LOOK!
California Floppy Hat: $61 from American Apparel
Mexican Flag Bandana: $4.99 from CostumeBox
Reflective sun visor: $18.05 from eBay
Mariah tank: $19.95 (or two for $30!) from CottonOn
Overall shorts: $69.52 (sale!) from Revolve Clothing
Gold thong sandals: $60 from Glassworks Studios
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Further reading: ‘Donald Sterling, Eddie McGuire, And The Real Face Of Racism‘, by Edward Sharp-Paul
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Solange and Jay Z’s Fight in the Elevator
Recommended by: Sinead Stump-limbs
Like discovering that Milo and Otis was pretty much a Japanese animal cruelty ring, the revelation that all was not sunny in the Knowles/Carter family was devastating. After this year’s Met Ball, surveillance footage captured Solange kicking and punching Jay-Z in an elevator at the Standard Hotel, before being restrained by a bodyguard. Beyonce’s inaction was interpreted by the BeyHive as evidence that Jay Z deserved it, so OBVIOUSLY he was cheating on her, case closed, good night, I woke up like dis.
Or: was this all a publicity move? Was it some sort of (Illuminati-driven) ploy to move tickets to Beyonce and Jay’s On The Run tour, selling the opportunity to witness a potential break-up on stage? Was it an opportunity for a post-Dev Hynes Solange to reinvigorate her career? According to Papa Knowles, Solange’s CD sales went up “200%” after the incident – although he also mumbled something about Jedi mind tricks, so his testimony isn’t exactly flawless***…
GET THE LOOK!
Cardboard box, for the body of the elevator: $0, from literally any supermarket.
Fake CCTV cameras: $5.99 from ebay
Artline Permanent Marker, black, to draw elevator buttons: $3.92 from Officeworks
‘Flawless *** REMIX’: (to illustrate to people Beyonce’s weird acknowledgement but also non-acknowledgement of the incident), $0 from beyonce.com
Illuminati ring: $38.86 from Etsy
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Further reading: ‘Solange vs Jay-Z: The True Story Comes Out‘, by Rob Moran
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Feminist Aunt Petunia
Recommended by: Elizadeath Spoox
Image via 221b-at-Hogwarts, on Tumblr
If you weren’t on the rollercoaster ride of emotions and adverbs that was Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles this year, then you missed out.
With each new chapter of the fan fiction came new joys. Sometimes it was Dean Thomas discussing the constitution “intellectually”; other times it was Harry and Draco taking part in a “pray-off”, while Hermione looked on crying “femininely”. It’s hard to pick a favourite character. Is it “Slytherin-hat” Ron (read: dirty filthy Catholic Ron)? Or Mrs Minerva McGonagall-Dumbledore? Or is it Greg Snape, with his lustrous, thick chest hair, muscular legs and slender fingers? While these are all good options for costuming up, our recommendation for picking up “best dressed” this year is Feminist Aunt Petunia.
Not only is she known to force poor Vernon to do “women’s work”, she is also a staunch atheist, who tries to entice Harry away from the pull of religion by encouraging him to read from “The Dawkins”. She is introduced to us thusly:
“Answer the door, Harry!” his Aunt Petunia, a career woman, barked from her armchair where she sat with her feet up. She had short, curly blonde hair and never wore any makeup. Uncle Vernon nodded sheepishly from the kitchen; and put a tray of moist, chocolatey brownies in the oven.”
GET THE LOOK!
Keep your makeup at home and get out the curling iron. In the fan-fic, Petunia is known for wearing ugly pant suits (just like a career woman) and spouting outrageous lies.
Pant Suit: $9.34 from Etsy. Though if you are a real lady, you will sew your own.
Richard Dawkins’ The God Delusion: $14.56 from BookDepository.com
‘Male Tears’ Mug: $22.95 from Zazzle (Petunia can afford that, she’s a “career woman”)
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Further reading: ‘Hogwarts School Of Prayer and Miracles‘, on fanfiction.net
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Undercover Uni Student Sharri Spookson
Recommended by: Shrieky Joseph
Journalists aren’t particularly terrifying at the best of times (noted by Scott Morrison’s cavalier attempts to pop champagne in their stunned faces). But 2014 bore witness to a rather unsettling spectacle from The Australian’s media editor Sharri Markson and her now infamous attempt to infiltrate a university to uncover either left-wing bias and/or Raving Chomsky sacrificial circle pits.
The best part was a selfie in the newspaper, where she dressed in what appears to be a normcore-inspired student get up. To really get in the zone, we advise you repeat the words ‘There’s no place like Murdoch’ three times, while tapping your youthful sneakers. And remember: it’s all in the attention to detail. Leave no stone unturned, tiny Sharris.
GET THE LOOK!
Non-descript, oversized grey hoodie (all the better to blend in with the gen-y): $51.92, from ASOS
Obligatory grey tote bag (NEUTRAL COLOURS, no one will suspect a thing): $86.54, from ASOS
iPhone with pin-up cover (to hash tag selfie): $31.05, from Red Bubble
Non-branded sneakers: $14.99, from K-Mart
Unflattering sunglasses (wear them indoors for authenticity): $20, from River Island
1 x latte (*not* Starbucks, I SAID ‘’BLEND IN’’): $3.50, from wherever
Jeans: you already own jeans.
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Further reading: ‘The Australian’s Media Editor Goes To Uni “Undercover”; Is Outraged That Media Degrees Are Teaching Media Students About The Media‘, by Steph Harmon
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George Brandis’ Shaky Understanding Of ‘Metadata’
Recommended by:Alex McSkeleton
Back in August, George Brandis tried to explain what metadata is on Sky News and ended up accidentally dropping the sickest club banger since T-Pain’s timeless ‘Buy U A Drank (Shawty Snappin’)‘. His new status as the Future Of Australian Dance Music notwithstanding, Brandis clearly wasn’t entirely clear what he was giving ASIO and other security agencies the power to collect, which gives you a little more leeway than usual when thinking of costume design.
You could take Brandis’ description of metadata as an “envelope” literally and construct a giant envelope around yourself, or you could get a bit more creative and staple the following items to yourself before haranguing your fellow party-goers about the importance of digital privacy when they ask you what you’re dressed as.
GET THE LOOK!
A pair of those dumb glasses George Brandis wears: $10, from StupidGlasses.com
An old VHS copy of The Matrix George fell asleep halfway through in 2004: $5.99 from your local Blockbuster, which no longer exists
Internal Attorney-General departmental communiques containing every instance of the word ‘metadata’: Numerous Freedom of Information requests, several years
Some actual metadata: A job at ASIO and, like, literally nothing else. This may actually be the easiest part of the costume.
One (1) boiled egg on which to draw George Brandis’ face to complete your overextended metaphor: I dunno, like eighty cents? How much is a single egg? Then there’s boiling the water, you gotta factor that in — I assume you’ve got a saucepan, that’s a given. otherwise this estimate is way out of whack. From the…egg…store. I guess.
A pen, with which to draw George Brandis’ face on said boiled egg: Just get a pen yourself, Jesus. I’m not your mother.
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Further reading: ‘This Remix Of George Brandis’ Trainwreck ‘Metadata’ Interview Is All You Need To Hear’, by Alex McKinnon
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See? No blackface. It’s easy.