The Six Best Zingers From Maurice Williamson’s Stand-Up Set

As part of their ongoing quest to paint Australia as the backward redneck neighbour, New Zealand dealt us a below-the-belt blow and legalised gay marriage last night. NZ has become the 13th country in the world to do so, after MP Louisa Wall’s Marriage Amendment Bill was passed 77 votes to 44.

In parliament, MP Maurice Williamson gave a speech congratulating Louisa Wall. The speech was great. Here are our favourite moments.

1. When he took a dig at the threat of “gay onslaught”:

“We are really struggling to know what the gay onslaught will look like. We don’t know if it will come down the Pakuranga Highway as a series of troops, or whether it’ll be a gas that flows in over the electorate and blocks us all in.”

2. When he took a dig at celibacy:

“I also, sir, had a Catholic Priest tell me that I was supporting an unnatural act. I found that quite interesting coming from someone who’s taken an oath of celibacy for his whole life.”

3. When he mispronounced ‘celibacy’:

“Celibacy? Okay, we’ll call it Celibacy. I haven’t done it, so I don’t know what it’s about.”

4. When he disproved the existence of Hell:

“I also had a letter telling me I would burn in the fires for eternity. And that was a bad mistake, because I’ve got a degree in physics. I used the thermodynamic laws of physics. I put in my body weight and humidity and so on. I assumed the furnace to be at 500 degrees, and I would last for just on 2.1 seconds. It’s hardly eternity. What do you think?”

5. When he had a big gay rainbow across his electorate:

“One of the messages I had was that this bill was the cause of our drought. Well if any of you follow my Twitter account, you will see in the Pakuranga electorate this morning, it was pouring with rain, and we had the most enormous big gay rainbow across my electorate. It has to be a sign, sir. It has to be a sign. And if you’re a believer, it’s certainly a sign.”

6. When he referenced Cats: The Musical:

“And can I finish for all those who are concerned about this with a quote from the bible. It’s Deuteronomy – I thought Deuteronomy was a cat out of Cats, but nevermind – it’s Deuteronomy, Chapter 1, Verse 21: ‘Be ye not afraid’.”

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He said a couple of things that Australia could learn from, too.

Here is one: 

“We are not declaring nuclear war on a foreign state. We are not bringing in a virus that could wipe out our agricultural sector forever. We are allowing two people who love each other to have that recognised and I can’t see what’s wrong with that.”

And here is another: 

“I give a promise to those people who are opposed to this bill right now. I give you a watertight guaranteed promise. The sun will still rise tomorrow. Your teenage daughter will still argue back with you as if she knows everything. Your mortgage will not grow. You will not have skin diseases or rashes or toads in your bed, sir. The world will just carry on. So don’t make this into a big deal. This is fantastic for the people it effects, but for the rest of us, life will go on.”

Watch the full speech here. Congratulations, New Zealand!