Tony Abbott’s Daughters, The Hideous Skywhale, And Eleven Other Costumes That Will Win Halloween

Still haven’t got your Halloween outfit sorted? Here. Let us help.

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Post-Puberty Justin Bieber

Recommended by: Grave-Robber Moran

2013 was the year young superstar Justin Bieber became a man (or, at least, stopped being such a floppy-haired little girl). Thankfully, there’s an easy shortcut to dressing like him at Halloween that doesn’t involve doing sit-ups, slinging your trousers uncomfortably low, dabbling cat sheddings across your upper lip, stalking your neighbourhood streets with a posture like the missing link, or touching a stripper’s arse (highly inappropriate).

All you really need to do is push around this classy 16L mop bucket from Bunnings (it’ll come in handy following those late night boozing sessions, once the toilet queues get busy), and yell “F**k Bill Clinton!” and “Wild Kidz!” at weird intervals.

Alternatively, you could spend $100,000 and get some permanent plastic surgery in preparation for every Halloween for the rest of your life. The choice is yours.

GET THE LOOK!

Poopy-poop pants: $75.78, from ASOS

Douchey studded baseball cap: $14.80, from Forever 21

Set of 12 shitty fake moustaches: $2.34, from eBay

16L mop bucket: $45, from Bunnings

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Louise Belcher, Bob’s Burgers

Recommended by: Die-ana Scaremurdian

If, like me, you have a childlike stature to exploit but think Wednesday Addams has been overdone, hilarious 11-year-old Louise Belcher is the right costume choice this Halloween — particularly since you get to be a smart arse and incorporate an animal element into your outfit without the embarrassment of being seen in one of those onesie stores.

You’ll get to attempt lines immortalised by the brilliant Kristen Schaal (who you’ll remember from appearances as the quirky/nuts girl in 30 Rock and Flight of the Conchords, and a prestigious resume of film and TV voiceover work), proclaiming things like, “Kissing is like a fight with lips!”

Bonus points for sprinkling talc on partygoers and claiming it’s anthrax.

GET THE LOOK!

Black Mary Janes: $25, from eBay

Green T-shirt mini-dress: $12.49, from eBay

Pink bunny ears hat: $49.95, from My Party Shirt — or, make one yourself

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Zombie Patrick Reid

Recommended by: Undead Huang

With walks, talks, shows, films and lots of other fun things, it’s clear that the zombie in 2013 has retained its status as one of pop culture’s most lovable creatures. And much like how the undead shambled their way from the screen into our hearts, so too did Offspring‘s resident hottie Dr Patrick — before being unexpectedly offed in that most terrible of TV deaths: the dodgy car accident. What was even more unexpected, though, was the way fans – and, dare I say, the nation – reacted to his death. So, let’s bring him back!

First, he’s got to get that stoic-smoulder-y thing down pat, which could effectively pass as the “zombie stare.” Use eyeliner for that. As a dark shirt, dark pants and boots kind of guy, it wouldn’t be difficult to copy his wardrobe, but to pull off the “freshly killed” aspect requires some sacrifice, commitment and various kinds of avoidance. For example: avoid direct sunlight to achieve ghostly pallor, and don’t sleep, brush your teeth or shower, to engender just the right amount of smelly (as well as genuine grumpiness).

And perhaps most importantly, avoid all human contact –maybe sit in front of the telly and re-watch the entire series of Offspring over and over again – until the night of October 31 to induce loneliness, and thus, longing for intellectual stimulation and emotional connection. You’ll be guaranteed to be saying “brains….” even before you step out of the house.

GET THE LOOK!

Plain T-shirt with crew neck: $11.09, from ASOS

Slim jean in indigo wash: $55.45, from ASOS

Chelsea Boots: $92. 42, from ASOS

Eyeliner: $6.99, from Chemist Warehouse

Zombie makeup kit: $8.65, from eBay 

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The Spoiler Tag

Recommended by: Alexander “Hex Handler” Tulett

Thinking of dressing as Walter White or Saul Goodman for Halloween this year? How about Jon Snow, Dexter Morgan or Don Draper? Maybe Darth Vader or Omar Little? Well, make sure to be extraordinarily careful with the detail you put into your costume because, as we all learned this year, everyone is super precious about spoilers! And you wouldn’t want to ruin some really important cultural experience for your friends who aren’t caught up, would you?

Luckily for you, I have the perfect costume idea. Say hello to the Spoiler Tag:

Embody any number of unimportant fictional characters without any of the details that might give away even the smallest hints as to the fates of that character! Protect your pop-culturally slow and easily-offended friends! Spend less money than everyone else at the party! The Spoiler Tag is the perfect Topical Halloween costume this year, because it’s all anyone cares about anymore!

GET THE LOOK!

Black Spandex Bodysuit: $29.95, from eBay

Optional Adhesive White Lettering: $5.96, from Amazon

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Tony Abbott’s “Not Bad Looking” Daughters

Recommended by: Hell Mahoney

We all know Halloween is just an excuse for girls to dress in hot outfits without being judged — but if you’d rather just be “not-bad-looking”, then why not dress as one of Tony Abbott’s daughters?

“But which not-bad-looking daughter should I choose?” I hear you ask. Don’t worry: we have a costume guide for all three.

GET THE LOOK!

Frances Abbott:

It’s all about the racer front singlet with Frances: she’s barely ever been photographed without one. Options range from luxe to less.

Luxe: Dion Lee Fluro Purity Tank, $490 from Maximillia

Less: Supre Gathered Neck Strappy Top, $15 from Supre

Bridget Abbott:

Bridget is basically a more conservative version of Frances. Like her sister, a high, tight and straight ponytail is a must. Team it with a white blazer and you’re done!

White blazer: $71.90, from ASOS

Wrap around pony tail extension: $19, from The Wig Outlet 

Louise Abbott:

We all know Louise doesn’t really exist. So if you’d like to dress as her just grab yourself a white sheet, a pair of scissors, and voila!

White sheet: Free, from your gran’s house

Scissors: $3.09, from Officeworks

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iPhone 5C

Recommended by: Candy Hunger

Announced in September, the iPhone 5C shares many traits with the classic horror monster: it’s stupid and ugly and comes in four shades of hideous, with upsetting inner workings that are sure to make you scream.

But you’ll have to be crafty, or else end up looking like a giant walking radioactive bogey. By ‘crafty,’ I mean: printing out the iOS7 screen on T-shirt transfers, cutting the apps out, and ruining ironing them onto an overpriced shirt.

To complete the outfit? Expensive branded items that do the same thing as non-branded ones, and whatever accessories you can find to make the whole thing more stupid and ugly than it already is.

GET THE LOOK!

T-shirt: $118.35, from Hugo Boss

T-shirt transfers: $24.88, from Officeworks

Frog-green chino trousers: $110, from Carven

Converse Chuck Taylors: $57.11, from eBay

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Blue Meth

Recommended by: Elizadeath Flux

If you want a costume that sums up the essence of a show, and that show is Breaking Bad, then you only really have one option: dressing as meth. More specifically, blue meth.

While clearly there are some downsides to hitting up the body paint (hope you like finding specs of blue in your ears for the next two weeks), there’s the added bonus that if people don’t understand your costume, you can just tell them you’re X-Men’s Mystique. Or a Smurf. Or the Blue Man Group.

GET THE LOOK!

Blue clothes you don’t mind trashing, like this dress or these shorts: $14.98 and $9.84 respectively, from Big W

Blue Body Paint: $13.65, from Eckersley’s

Blue Thongs: $19.99, by Havianas

Transparent Bin Bag:  from your local supermarket.

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Sharknado

Recommended by: Renee Creaky Crypt

If we’re going by levels of genius and not box office, which of course we are, then there’s really no contest for the most successful film of 2013: it’s Sharknado at a Great White’s length. So when it comes to film-related costumes this Halloween, you know what you have to do.

First, for the tornado, take an oversized black t-shirt and trace a funnel shape on the front, with the wide bit up near the neck and the pointy bit down at the waistline. Then, fill it in by gluing on grey cotton wool balls or any kind of foam material. (To make grey, soak cotton wool in water tinted with black food dye and let them dry.) Top it off with a Shark Hat!

Bonus party tip! Memorise awesome shark facts to use as icebreakers.

GET THE LOOK!

Swisspers cotton balls: $5.39, from Chemist Warehouse

Black food colouring: $1.16, from Coles

Scoop neck black T: $14.95, from Cotton On

Shark hat: $25.95, from The Party People

Craft glue: $7.48, from Lincraft

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ALP Faceless Man

Recommended by: Jenny Noose

The monster under the ALP’s bloodstained bed is so terrifying to many Australians that a bunch of them were frightened off voting for them this year – but it didn’t work because now the ultimate Faceless Man is in charge of the party.

 

Some people think by making a Faceless Man the leader it will vanquish the plague of facelessness that’s devastating Labor, but that’s probably just crazy voodoo. Get the Faceless look by cutting out a piece of cardboard the size of your face, putting some eye-holes in it, and adding some elastic to attach it to your head. Get a suit and a red tie from Lowes if you don’t have one lying around, and, if you like, splatter blood all over it. Then get a bunch of knives.

That’s it! Now, get out there and stab your bosses in the back!

GET THE LOOK! 

Piece of cardboard: .40 c from local newsagency

Suit: $149, from Lowes

Red tie: $24.95, from Lowes

A bunch of knives: $89.95, from Crazy Sales

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Blue Jasmine

Recommended by: Jack o’Lantern Arthur Smith

What better way to spend All Hallow’s Eve than dressed (and tanked) up as the deeply disturbed and utterly divine Jasmine, from Woody Allen’s recent and critically-acclaimed hit, Blue Jasmine. A touch pricey perhaps, but we all need a sexy white power jacket for those city gal meetings — and paired with black pants, low-heeled gold slip-ons and a triple-shot Stolichnaya vodka Martini, well, you know you’re going to bring a touch of class to any party.

Better yet, when you return from a tactical vom and someone points out that chunk of whatever you had for dinner in your hair, you’ll still be in character!

GET THE LOOK!

White Chanel Jacket: $499, from Ebay (or simply head to your nearest opp shop and get creative)

Black pants: $60, from ASOS

White blouse: $49, from The Iconic

Gold heels: $49.99, from Heels.com

Bottle of Stolichnaya: various prices, from BWS

Strahl Martini Glass: $7.50, from Kitchenwaredirect.com.au

Xanax: $0.12 per pill, from Getxanaxonline.com (apparently)

Dishevelled look: Watch the film and emulate. More inspiration: imagine you’re this woman.

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The Skywhale

Recommended by: Stephantom Of The Harm-opera

O Skywhale, you thing of beauty. Your inflated, placid whale face gazed pleasantly down at our cities as you drifted through the crisp blue sky, gigantic breasts a-dangling.

The hot air balloon, designed by Canberra-bred artist Patricia Piccinini, was commissioned to commemorate the Centenary of our capital city. It cost $300,000, and looked like this:

But we loved this hideous beast. We debated it in our Legislative Assembly. We made hats for it. We baked cakes for it. We even wrote a song for it:

And now we’re going to dress like it. By dangling a basket between our legs, drawing nipples on a bunch of half-flaccid balloons, and pinning them proudly to our chests.

GET THE LOOK!

Plain blue T-shirt: $11.09, from ASOS

Skin-coloured leggings: $1.37, from eBay

Ten flesh-coloured balloons: $1.69, from eBay

Red permenant marker: $2.91, from OfficeWorks

Safety pins: $3.96, from OfficeWorks

Small basket (attached to a belt with rope, to swing between your legs): $9.34, from eBay

For extra detail, try creating a diorama within the basket. Or: wear this hat.

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The Dread Pirate Roberts / Silk Road 

Recommended by: Nyx Jarvis (editor of inthemix)

The dastardly villain/internet freedom fighter (delete as necessary) who was allegedly behind the world’s most famous “secret website”, The Silk Road (which was shut down by the FBI earlier this month), took as his online avatar The Dread Pirate Roberts, much-loved hero of The Princess Bride. Which means you can combine both a traditional Halloween costume and cutting edge social commentary in one, with a dashing piratical outfit that appeals to both trick-or-treaters and secret psychonauts. How meta!

Handily, this website has tracked down everything you need to dress up as the Dread Pirate Roberts (iocane tolerance not included), if you want to DIY. Or, if you’re feeling lazy, you could just dress as The Tor Browser.

GET THE LOOK!

Dread Pirate Roberts Costume: $74.99, from BuyCostumes.com

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Cryin’ Carrie Mathison

Recommended by: Chris Horror-gan

A mid-crisis Carrie Mathison from Homeland will be just as horrifying as the sexy zombie you pulled off last year, and also marginally less annoying. You’ll need some boring-as-hell smart-casual business attire, some bleach for that kind of unconvincing blond hair (or a wig, if you’re being half-cocked about this), and maybe a hijab if you want to be all, “I’m in Lebanon, it’s season two”.

The most important thing, though, is the tears. If you can’t muster the acting skills to bring on the water works, try some crocodile tears from Amcal. But it being Halloween and all, there’s every chance you’ll drink enough gin to start crying on your own accord.

GET THE LOOK! 

Women’s Business Suit: $20, from eBay

Blonde wig: $19, from eBay

Hijab (optional): $24.95, from Hijab House

Fake tears: $10.95, from Amcal