Tony Abbott Is The Loose PM We Never Knew We Had; Danced Shirtless At “Wild” Farewell Party

It should be pretty clear by now that not many people agree with Tony Abbott. But surely most can concede that when you’ve been ousted as Prime Minister by one of your mates in your first term and nobody’s really that sad about it, a good old-fashion blowout is due.

According to an unprecedentedly brilliant report by The Australian this morning, a “wild” farewell knees-up held inside the Prime Minister’s suite on Monday night escalated to the point where the newly-dumped PM took his shirt off and danced like a madman who’s just been sacked by 54 of his friends.

Abbott, who was so keen to get to the impromptu soirée after he found out he’d been rolled by Turnbull that he declined to hold a press conference, partied long into Tuesday morning, still “firing off text messages at 4:30am”.

The hoedown even produced some casualties, including, but not limited, to: a marble coffee table that smashed, with staffers reportedly stuffing the broken shards into their handbags to keep as symbolic mementos of Abbott’s political career; assistant minister Jamie Briggs, who turned up to Parliament in a wheelchair the next morning after “gyrating” on a table with Joe Hockey and falling off (though he denies getting shit-faced was the cause of his injuries); and a Liberal MP, who “The Sunday Telegraph has chosen not to name”, who vomited in the ministerial wing.

Blessed were the flies on those walls that night.

The bender stretched on to Friday night, when Abbott hosted the 40th reunion of St Ignatius’ College at Kirribilli House, before he moved back to his home in the plebeian northern beaches suburb of Forestville. He was seen swigging beer as he greeted a busload of old sports at the door, and “loud laughter, cheers and the rattling of bottles” could be heard beyond the gates, before an ambulance showed up when one of the guests “fell ill”.

Surprised? Maybe you shouldn’t be…