A crush that turns you into a puddle of mush. Getting a Facebook friend request from your boss. A few too many shandies at the end-of-year knees up. Let’s face it, we’ve all been there. With the silly season fast approaching, Twitter legend, comedian and social worker Deirdre Fidge has put together this handy guide for what to do in the (pretty likely) event of an awkward office moment. And, hey, if you feel the heat, maybe you #needasprite?

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Moment #1: You Develop A Teeny Crush

It’s natural for friendships to develop at work and sometimes this evolves into a crush. Suddenly you are double-checking your appearance before entering work and planning lunch around their preferred break time (yeah, we see you doing this, it’s not subtle). One night you find yourself working late and it’s just the two of you in the office. Your palms are sweaty… knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s spaghetti on your sweater, why is there spaghetti on your shirt? Anyway, your crush is looking over at you — what do you do?

Solution: there is a reason they say ‘don’t dip your pen in the company ink’. Things can get messy. On the other hand — life is short and meaningless and we all know of people who met through work and are happily in love. So you know what? As Gandhi said, “YOLO”. Make a move (respectfully), see what happens. Good luck.

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Moment #2: You Forgot An Important Person’s Name

It’s a typical morning and that nice lady from head office is here today for a meeting. She calls out your name from across the room. “So lovely to see you again!” You break into a cold sweat, unable to respond. Is it Kate? Katie. Katelyn? No, Katherine. Kathy. Wait — Kestral. That’s it, Kestral! No, crap — that is a large European predatory bird. The sweet but nameless woman walks toward you and it is time to respond.

Solution: “Hi, friend!” Refer to everyone as friend/buddy/pal and you will never experience the true horror of having someone correct you and say “Um, actually my name is Penny… I think Kestral is a large European predatory bird.”

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Moment #3: You Got Caught Slacking Off

Some days are busier than others, and during quieter moments you might find yourself avoiding menial tasks and instead creating the most fire ’90s Spotify playlist. You add TLC’s ‘Waterfalls’ to the mix and whisper “what a banger” to yourself, when you notice your manager standing behind you, staring at your monitor.

Solution: you could use the skills you learnt at that improv workshop and invent an elaborate story as to why this Spotify mix/Twitter page/blog about geese is relevant to your work. Or you could be an adult and own your mistake — chances are everyone in the office has done non-work tasks on the clock. Apologise and move on. No Biggie (Smalls’ ‘Hypnotise’ — add it to the playlist).

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Moment #4: You’re That Guy At The Boozy Staff Party

Being paid to enjoy buffet food on a sunny afternoon and all-you-can-drink sounds ideal, but things can go from nice to nasty after a couple of shandies. Next thing you know you’re that guy walking into work the next day, glassy-eyed and still burping, while colleagues politely pat your shoulder and whisper, “Did you get home okay?” or “You left your pants at the bar.”

Solution: be as inconspicuous as possible. Don’t make eye contact, come into work through the fire door, avoid loud clothing choices and, for god’s sake, put your pants back on! Chances are everyone in the office is in the same boat as you, so grab a softie on your way in, don’t make any sudden movements, and just chill. Oh, and don’t go anywhere near Kev from accounts. You know why.

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Moment #5: Your Boss Adds You On Facebook

We all know that familiar little red notification on Facebook and the Pavlovian response of instantly drooling with excitement that follows. But this friend request is… your manager. Sure, they’re nice but what about boundaries? Suddenly you are scrolling through your timeline, seeing yourself through a critical lens, and untagging yourself in those photos from the day you called in sick at work but secretly entered a macaroni eating competition. What to do?

Solution: limit access. To avoid hurting feelings, why not accept the request and instantly pop your boss on a custom friend list which enables them to see virtually nothing of your profile. Alternatively, delete your Facebook, change your name and move to a small village in Barcelona.

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Nobody likes being stuck in office moments like this, but if you feel that awkward heat you probably #needasprite.

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Deirdre Fidge is a Melbourne-based writer and social worker. She writes regularly for SBS Comedy, ABC’s The Drum, The Vocal and Archer Magazine. You can read her brain farts on Twitter at @figgled.