This Total Legend Is Offering To Be The Worst Thanksgiving Date Ever To Piss Off People’s Parents
His van is painted like Eddie Van Halen's guitar. What's not to love?
The festive season is nearly upon us, and sadly it’s time to start dealing with your goddamned family. No longer can you keep them at bay with fleeting pop-in visits and meandering phone calls tinged with disappointment and sprinkled with unnecessary facts about your mum’s cat’s urinary disease. Christmas (or Thanksgiving for those in the US) ushers in an all-out marathon of familial awkwardness, all-out brawls, and attempts to suppress your sadness by eating your weight in glazed ham. Ain’t life grand?
But one noble man in the US is offering one lucky woman a beacon of hope; he’s renting himself out to a person who wants to inject some much-needed entertainment to the whole affair.
Posting an ad on Craigslist earlier this week, Nicky the convicted felon from Nashville, has offered to pose as someone’s date to family Thanksgiving dinner in exchange for nothing but a free meal. “I am a 28-year-old felon with no high school degree, and a dirty old van one year younger than me painted like Eddie Van Halen’s guitar,” he says.
“I can play anywhere between the ages of 20 and 29 depending on if I shave. I’m a line cook and work late nights at a bar. If you’d like to have me as your strictly platonic date for Thanksgiving, but have me pretend to be in a very long or serious relationship with you, to torment your family, I’m game.”
Not only is he willing to tag along for a feed, he’s also ready to totally commit to the role. “I can do these things at your request,” he says.
- “Openly hit on other female guests while you act like you don’t notice.”
- “Start instigative discussions about politics and/or religion.”
- “Propose to you in front of everyone.”
- “Pretend to be really drunk as the evening goes on (sorry, I don’t drink, but I used to. A lot. Too much in fact. I know the drill).”
- “Start an actual, physical fight with a family member, either inside or on the front lawn for all the neighbours to see.”
Despite being a total swoonworthy, knee-buckling, grade-A catch, Nicky has told MTV he’s only received one legit invitation. A 22-year-old girl asked him to “come over to her parents’ house in the evening to hang out, eat, shoot guns etc” but then got scheduled to work and cancelled. It’s probably a good thing, too — any Craigslist plans involving strangers and guns should probably be avoided.
MTV also asked if it was just a viral stunt; something he never intended to see through. “I’m not from here … I really don’t have any Thanksgiving plans,” he said while sounding like a chilled dude deciding to stay in and watch Netflix rather than talking about ruining a family’s sacred holiday celebrations.
Honestly, even if it did break out into an all-out fight on the lawn, it’d probably end up better than every other year. If everything is going to be awkward and unavoidably tense, you may as well get a quick lol out of it.
