This Is A Profile Of A Young Female Actor Written By An Older Male Writer
Firstly, use the word "flesh" as often and seductively as you can.
If you ask Vanity Fair, Vogue or that uncle who you don’t talk to anymore, profiles of young female entertainers are best done by men who are over forty, particularly if they have no real comprehension or investment in their subject’s work. This is an empirical fact.
But what is the secret to these lively and thrilling pieces of New Journalism? How can one replicate such dizzying and evocative prose? Today my friends, I have cracked the code. This is a guide to writing an interview with an attractive woman as an extremely creepy old man:
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The Supple Flesh
Be particulary vivid in describing how physically beautiful this woman is. Find a way to work these observations into every paragraph.
It is imperative that you consider each redeeming feature of this woman (and the less redeeming qualities — we’ll get to that later), zeroing in on what makes her cheeks or the roots of her hair or her radiant skin particularly notable. Remind the reader that, unlike them, you have the pleasure of encountering this goddess in person, by repeatedly using the phrase “in the flesh”. Use the word ‘flesh’ as abundantly as you can, until the reader can think of nothing else than the warm, smooth flesh of this woman they will never meet, the flesh flesh flesh flesh flesh sweet, soft flesh.
Good.
Where was I? Oh, this is equally important: point out at least one physical flaw. It doesn’t need to be a big one. Maybe the spray of freckles on her nose look less coquettish than you imagined; perhaps she is short when she slips off her shoes at the dinner table, rubbing her nylon-clad feet together an even amount of times before folding them underneath her in her chair. This is vital, because even though you need to convey that this woman is hot (smoking hot, did you see her in what-his-face auteur’s film? The one with the sex scene?), she needs to be the sort of hot that means you could still have sex with her if you tried. If the reader doesn’t believe that this unbelievably beautiful woman would have sex with you if you suggested it over lunch, you have failed as a writer.
If you’re stuck for adjectives and you’re running out of body parts to examine through your critical lens, start thinking about how this woman’s presence can be reduced to a foodstuff. Some go-to evocative comparisons: champagne, a martini, a cherry, a cream-filled cake that is coated in a light dusting of sugar, which makes everyone salivate at the idea of its sweet, sweet innards which seem to overflow from its delicate pastry casing. Food comparisons are strong because they remind the reader that sooner or later, everything spoils.
Excellent.
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The Slow Grind Of Time
Refer to your subject as a ‘girl’ because youth is an important commodity — hers, not yours. You are the sophisticated observer; a man who has seen things and done worse, a man who is so rich with experience that you resemble an aged whiskey swirling in a crystal tumbler. Every crevice on your face is like the ridge of a proud oak tree, rich with meaning.
If the actress is over 28 (why are you interviewing her again?) but still palatable, refer to her as “seductive” and “confident” and praise her “croaky laugh”. Imply that she too has seen things, but not as many things as you otherwise she’d be able to write this profile herself. It is dishonest if you do not speculate as to whether she has had plastic surgery, because your words are but glittering vessels of distilled truth.
It’s also important to state how this woman sits in relation to other beautiful female entertainers, both living and dead. Is she blonde and silly? She’s a Marilyn! Stylish and coy? Classic Audrey! Extra points if you manage to work in a biblical reference akin to Eve reaching for the forbidden apple despite better judgement. At the beginning of the interview, hand your subject an apple and see how she reacts.
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What Is Her Mouth Doing
It’s important to interview your female subject over a meal, because her choice of food will be far more revealing that engaging with her work. Her food choice will reveal her personality in a way that talking to her never could. Observe:
Salad: She is a health nut, a holistic being who treats her body like a temple. She barely ever has an appetite. Right now, she’s moving pieces of kale nervously around her bowl and closing her eyes and humming in ecstasy every time she sips her tonic water with lemon. Every now and then she dabs solid coconut oil on her tiny hands and slowly rubs them together.
Burger: This girl is your relatable childhood friend, the funny girl who wants to joke about her vagina and isn’t looking for a serious partner. Her manic energy allows her to remain a size six while devouring junk food like she hasn’t eaten in a week. She suggests a second pint, with a mischievous glint in her eye. By her own admission, she doesn’t “have many female friends”.
There are no other choices.
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Life Before This Interview
If it’s not in her IMDb profile, it doesn’t matter. Describe her hometown only if it makes her seem more fuckable (if she lived at the beach, a small country town or if she was a dancer at any point) and be sure to list the numerous male directors who recognised her fuckability way before anyone else did.
Don’t do any research outside of that.
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Leave The Reader Wondering, “Will They?”
As she enters the restaurant, be sure to note that she turns every head but yours. Others jostle for her attention but she looks at you with rapt interest, her eyes sparkling as she asks to steal a french fry from your plate. You politely oblige, and describe your inner monologue to the reader. “At the end of the day, [SUBJECT’S NAME] really was just another beautiful girl, looking for a french fry in the big city”.
Congratulations: you have written a masterpiece.
