There are some people who start their assignment as soon as it lands in their pretty lap. They write drafts, take enough breaks, revise, get feedback from the tutor, format it perfectly in Word and then submit the whole thing three days before deadline.

But this is not an article for those smug bastards. This is an article about what those smug bastards inevitably say to you, and what you’d like to say back.

#1 “You Haven’t Started?!”

What? Did I stutter? I literally JUST told you I haven’t started. You think in the three seconds since I said that, I clicked my fingers and magically got it done? No, bitch. I haven’t started then, I haven’t started now — don’t make me relive my pain.

#2 “It’s Really Hard.”

I KNOW it’s hard, OK? I’ve looked at the question. In fact, the reason I put it off for so long is because it’s so hard and I have no idea where to start.

#3 “It Took Me Ages To Do.”

I think we’re both aware that time — specifically the lack of it — is my main issue right now. I have to pluck 2,000 words seemingly out of the air and put them in a document — 2,000 words that have to make sense and form an argument when they’re put next to each other. This is no easy feat. I am under no impression that I’ll be able to whip it up in a neat hour.

#4 “I Started Three Weeks Ago.”

Oh, did you now? Excuse me for a second while I reach into my bag and pull out this shiny, gold medal.

The last thing we need to hear right now is how well you’re doing. I’m freaking out. I have a shift at work tonight so I won’t be able to get started until at least 9pm and according to YOU, it’s extremely difficult and will take a long time to complete. I’m trying to stay off caffeine and the last time I checked, it’s pretty hard to stay up ALL NIGHT without it. My brain hurts, I don’t know what to write about and all I want to do is stick my head in a bucket of ice.

Sorry for the outburst. God, I’m tired.

#5 “I Can Tell If You Started The Night Before.”

A classic line from professors far and wide. Hahaha, sorry buddy but I’m not buying it this time. I’ve started distinction-level assignments 24 hours before the due time — I think I’ll be sweet.

#6 “I Haven’t Started Either.”

Just kidding, this is the absolute best thing to hear. If a fellow classmate tells you how screwed they are, you know you’re gonna be completely fine. And even if it doesn’t end up fine, you have another person to retake the class with. Fab!

(Lead image: Real Housewives of Orange Country/Bravo)