There Are Far Too Many Characters In ‘The Desolation Of Smaug’, So We Ranked Them For You

Wizards, dwarves, orcs and a CGI dragon played by Benedict Cumberbatch – there are an awful lot of characters in The Desolation Of Smaug. So many that it’s almost impossible to keep track.

If you’re looking forward to the movie, but you’re worried that you can’t keep your dwarves straight, don’t despair. We’ve made a list of every major character, and ranked them from best to worst. Prepare to see a lot of beards and lank-haired, brooding dudes with daddy issues.

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#28: Dori

Who even is this?

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#27: Bifur

Were there this many dwarves in the first one?

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#26: Gloin

We’re not even a third of the way through the dwarves yet.

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#25: Bombur

His beard looks like a pretzel, but I really don’t want to eat it.

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#24: Oin

Dear Mr President,

There are too many dwarves nowadays. Please eliminate three.

PS, I am not a crackpot.

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#23: Ori

Didn’t we just cover this one?

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#22: Fili

There’s nothing really that wrong with Fili. His brother is a lot hotter, though.

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#21: Nori

How can it be that someone whose hair is literally shaped like a star can be so boring?

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#20: Balin

Balin busts the stereotype that old people are also wise. His main contributions to the movie are getting teary-eyed and stating the obvious. “That, my lad, was a dragon.” Yep.

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#19: Dwalin

With those head tattoos, he probably fucks shit up with the rest of his dwarf gang in his spare time.

I’d watch a movie about that.

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#18: Beorn

Of all the characters in this movie, Beorn is the tallest. He serves no purpose whatsoever to the plot, but he can turn into a bear and terrorise people whenever he wants, so I guess that counts for something.

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#17: Legolas

His presence in this movie is completely unnecessary, but I guess Orlando Bloom had nothing better to do — and with him around, it’s always possible that some of the charm from The Lord Of The Rings might rub off. 

Legolas literally does nothing worthwhile with his screen time in this film. He struts around acting like a dick and then fights some orcs. That’s pretty much it.

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#16: Radagast

Another completely unnecessary character, but he does keep a family of birds under his hat.

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#15: Bolg

For a movie with so many characters, The Desolation Of Smaug is pretty short on villains. This scarred-up orc brings a sense of menace to proceedings when he sets out on his mission to hunt down the dwarves.

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#14: Thorin

What the hell happened to Thorin? In the first film, he was the dwarf most likely to become a sex symbol. This time around, he just acts all dark and brooding and mopes about the place, reminding everyone of his daddy issues and how much he misses his precious gem.

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#13: Bard

Just what this movie needed: yet another long-haired angsty dude.

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#12: Azog

Azog is pretty menacing, and his nickname is ‘The Defiler’, which is quite great. As villains go, though, he feels pretty perfunctory. He’s definitely no Saruman. Also, he’s ugly as buggery and speaks with subtitles, so in the Lord Of The Rings universe, you can tell he’s going to get it sooner rather than later.

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#11: The Master Of Laketown

Stephen Fry is in everything, so it was only a matter of time before he showed up in The Hobbit too. The illusion is broken a bit thanks to the fact that every time he shows up on screen, you find yourself going ‘oh look, it’s Stephen Fry!’ — but The Master provides some much-needed comic relief.

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#10: Bain

A fire-breathing dragon wants to burn his village to the ground, and he can’t even get a date to the Laketown High prom!

Tune in next week for a very special episode of The Bain Show.

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#9: Bilbo

It’s a pretty rough gig when the movie is named after your character and you still have so little to do. Bilbo spends most of his time rescuing dwarves and being chased by giant spiders — although his one-on-one with Smaug at the end is pretty cool.

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#8: Bofur

Cool hat.

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#7: Tauriel

Kate from Lost plays an elf who falls in interspecies love with a dwarf. It’s hot and it’s wrong.

She also gets to kick her fair share of orc butt.

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#6: Gandalf

If The Desolation Of Smaug proves anthing, it’s that Gandalf is actually kind of an asshole; he’s forever leading his pals into horrible danger and then abandoning them. Like that time he led Bilbo and the dwarves to the horrifying, spider-infested forest and then was all ‘sorry guys, Gandalf out.’ Jerk.

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#5: Alfrid

Nothing gets me going like a nice bushy monobrow on an evil henchman. Rrrrawr. Alfrid can inspect the cargo on my vessel any time he wants.

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#4: Galadriel

Sure, she’s only in it for a minute right at the start and then mostly as a voice over, but a little Galadriel goes a long way

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#3: Thranduil

With his lustrous blonde hair and his devastating burns, the elf king Thranduil is basically the Regina George of Middle Earth. One time, he punched me in the face. It was awesome.

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#2: Smaug

When a movie keeps you waiting for two hours to see a dragon, you want that dragon to be pretty bloody good. Luckily, Benedict Cumberbatch’s Smaug is all that and more.

This smug, preening baddie gives the whole movie — and possibly even the whole trilogy — a sense of purpose.

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#1: Kili

We need to talk about Kili. Not only is he the breakout character in The Desolation Of Smaug, but he totally, effortlessly steals Thorin’s thunder as the sexiest of the dwarves. He’s a smooth talker, and he has the kind of deep, brown eyes you can get lost in. He even takes an arrow for his friends – that’s just the kind of guy Kili is.

Who can blame Tauriel for wanting a piece?

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The Hobbit: The Desolation Of Smaug opens in cinemas on December 26.

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Alasdair Duncan is an author, freelance writer and video game-lover who has had work published in Crikey, The Drum, The Brag, Beat, Rip It Up, The Music Network, Rave Magazine, AXN Cult and Star Observer.