The Government’s New Work-For-The-Dole Laws Are Here To Teach You Some Respect, You Lazy Sack Of Crap

Time to get off your ever-expanding arse and go earn a living, you lazy bastard! The government’s proposed changes to Work For The Dole laws will give you the kick up the butt you so sorely need to move out of your long-suffering parents’ basement, iron a damn shirt and head into the exciting world of youth employment.

The Australian is reporting that under the proposed changes, people under thirty who are out of work (hello you reading this, yes you) will have to apply for up to forty jobs a month and do 25 hours of unpaid work a week to qualify for the dole — which, you may recall, will only be available for six months at a time before being cut off entirely because fuck you, you venomous parasite on Australia’s economy.

Good thing there are thousands of jobs out there just aching for someone without “three or four years experience in the field”, let alone someone fresh out of uni or high school; that 12.4 percent youth unemployment rate is so high, it’s almost as if the primary reason young people are unemployed is a lack of jobs, rather than their inherent laziness and obsession with the Social Medias. Go get a job, kid!

According to the government, Work For The Dole gives you “work experience which helps job seekers to learn new skills and improve their chance of finding a job”. So not only do you get to spend 25 hours of your week having all the responsibility of a job while getting none of the money, you’ll have “work experience” in areas where a huge pool of fellow job-seekers are already doing the work for free. Businesses will be clamouring to replace their free government-sponsored labour with someone they have to put on the payroll! It’s foolproof!

The new system will come into force from July 1 next year, by which time the carbon tax repeal will have transformed Australia into a timeless Utopia where there’s a homemade Holden in every driveway, a sparkling new iron for all the nation’s housewives, and government-mandated restrictions limiting sexual activity to four minutes of lights-out, pyjamas-on missionary followed by a firm handshake and some Hail Marys.

To ease you into this new transitional period, here’s a website that tells you how to cook food in an electric kettle, because “pulling your weight” is easier when you’re living on boiled rice and Cruskits. And remember, kids; so long as you’re not working full-time, you’re a feckless leech on the community and your basic rights are forfeit.