The Five Most Ridiculous Moments Of Glasgow’s Commonwealth Games Opening Ceremony
Rod Stewart's still alive, apparently.
![](http://junkee.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/07/horrible-scottish-commgames-uniforms1.jpg)
Everyone’s eighth-favourite sporting event, the Commonwealth Games, kicked off in style overnight with the Opening Ceremony in Glasgow, and it was as bizarre and lovably dorky as you’d expect a large-scale event thrown by people who wear tartan as a point of pride would be.
There were honestly too many borderline-insane moments crammed into the ceremony to give the entire tableau justice, so a small sample is offered below as a way of easing yourself into what is going to be two weeks of the most ridiculous sporting saga since Todd Carney pissed in his own mouth.
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Rod Stewart Was There Without Pants, Is Somehow Still Alive
Iconic crooner and Egyptian mummy Rod Stewart belted out one of his timeless classics (it doesn’t really matter which one), proving that pacts with Satan to trade your soul for longevity do have some upsides, at least.
He then retired indoors and removed his pants in front of a trophy case, because Rod Stewart doesn’t give a hoot goddamn about anything anymore.
I never thought I’d be able to stand in the Celtic Board Room in front of the trophy case. . . with no pants. pic.twitter.com/FClLZZm0ke
— Rod Stewart (@rodstewart) July 23, 2014
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Scotland Flipped The Bird At Homophobes And Had Two Dudes Make Out
Considering 42 of the Games’ 53 nations still treat homosexuality as a criminal offence, it was pretty kickass of Scotland to have two dudes in kilts make out at the climax of one of the dance scenes as the commentator screams, “Ere’s too equawliteah, un’ Sco’luuuuuhnd!”
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Prince Charles Almost Got In A Fight With A Jamaican Boxer
Perennial bridesmaid and World Runner-up of Looking At Things Prince Charles carried out his royal duties by looking at some boxers as they trained in the lead-up to the Games. This entailed shaking a lot of hands, pointing at things and nodding approvingly, and almost getting nailed in the face by someone who nails people in the face for a living.
Considering the penalty for hitting a Prince of England when you’re a Commonwealth vassal is probably still beheading or something, it’s fortunate that old mate held back.
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Every National Team Was Led Out By Someone Walking A Scottish Terrier
In a truly #Glasgow2014 twist…each team is led by a Scottish Terrier bearing the team’s name! #2014Ceremony pic.twitter.com/8Sgg5YB1hU
— Glasgow 2014 (@Glasgow2014) July 23, 2014
Presumably the terrier for England had to be physically restrained from pissing all over the other terriers to establish its superiority.
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The Queen Came And It Was Awkward Because Scotland’s Voting On Independence This Year
The Games was officially opened, as everything in the Commonwealth must be, by the Queen. Little-known fact: if you open anything in a Commonwealth nation without acknowledging the Queen — a door, a conversation, a jar of jam — you are technically guilty of treason. Queen Liz opened the Games with her usual panache and irrepressible enthusiasm:
Then everyone sang ‘God Save The Queen’, which is a bit awks considering the ‘Scotland Say Yes’ movement is picking up steam ahead of Scotland’s referendum to become a fully independent state in September. If Scotland votes for independence they’ll miss out on all the cool fringe benefits of being a Commonwealth country, like your own line at the airport and a long, troubled history of colonialism and repression of indigenous peoples. Who’d want to give that up?
Come on, come on, come on. #CommonwealthGames
— Elizabeth Windsor (@Queen_UK) July 23, 2014