Culture

The Five Best Amazon Reviews Of Cory Bernardi’s ‘The Conservative Revolution’

"As a dachshund, I can't actually read this book or any other, but I thank Corgi Bernardi from the bottom of my heart..."

Senator Cory Bernardi — the climate change-denying Islamophobe you might remember from his calls last month to cut the ABC’s budget or, a year beforehand, when he helpfully linked gay marriage to bestiality — has climbed out from under his bridge again this week. And this time he’s offended nearly everyone at once.

In his new book The Conservative Revolution, Bernardi labels pro-choice advocates as “pro-death”, decries women for using abortion as “an abhorrent form of birth control”, calls for stronger religious influence in Australian politics, rails against the “green agenda”, demands a return to John Howard’s more “flexible” workplace laws, rants against euthanasia and surrogacy, and claims that all types of non-traditional families — single parents, step families, same-sex couples, you name it — lead to “social chaos”.

“Given the increasing number of ‘non-traditional’ families, there is a temptation to equate all family structures as being equal or relative,” he trembles. “Why then the levels of criminality among boys and promiscuity among girls who are brought up in single-parent families, more often than not headed by a single mother?” Take that, single mother! Your son is a crook and your daughter’s a slut!

In the book — which, to be fair, appears to be trolling the Coalition almost as much as it’s trolling the rest of us — Bernardi calls for a “reversal back to sanity and reason”. A simpler time, when women had no agency over their bodies, the working class had no negotiating power, couples were forced to stay married, the environment was our plaything, church and state were one, and Bernardi was gifted a giant golden throne from which he could urinate over us all.

Opposition leader Bill Shorten has called Bernardi’s claims “offensive“, and even Tony Abbott has distanced himself from his views. But that’s got nothing on Amazon’s response.

So far there are 80 reviews on offer, and almost all of them are excellent.

Like this one, from a sausage dog:

1

This one, which reviews it as “Dada eroticism”:

2

This one, from a Bea Arthur fan:

3

This one, which reimagines the entire thing into something a whole lot more palatable:

4

And this one, from a disappointed jam enthusiast:

preserves

To read all the rest, click here.