Culture

The Courier-Mail’s Gone And Lost Its Mind Again Because The Queensland Police Minister Wore A Belt

Coincidentally, Queensland's Police Minister is a woman.

by Alex McKinnon  5 May 2015

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Ah, the Courier-Mail — our constant reminder that newspapers still exist and they’re mostly terrible. Over the last couple of years the Mail has punched above its weight in the ongoing battle to be Australia’s journalistic equivalent of huffing paint; there was the in-depth exclusive on why fat Kevin Rudd is so fat, the headlines about a murdered trans woman that sparked a mini-boycott, and their Hot Scoop on outlaw bikies backing Queensland Labor at the state election.

Much to the Mail‘s fury, though, Queensland ignored its pleas and elected a Labor government anyway, and the newspaper has been having a big old cry about it ever since, leading to some truly spectacular headlines. Today they devoted the entire front page to Police Minister Jo-Ann Miller, whose great error, hand to God, was wearing a cheap imitation Louis Vuitton belt in public a couple of days ago.

There’s a lot to take in here — the CSI-style enhancement of the belt buckle, the HIGHLIGHTED parts of the SENTENCE telling you what to be SCARED of, the fact that a male Police Minister would never have to put up with this shit in a million years — but “Louis Vui-Con” is a truly incredible pun and I’ll fight anyone who says otherwise. The online version, “Police Minister Jo-Ann Miller wears fake Louis Vuitton belt to Labour Day rally,” apparently took no less than three real-life journalists to write and has a headline that both explains the article and highlights why no one need ever read it. 

But the article itself goes further. The Mail‘s apparent beef with Miller is that by wearing a knock-off belt she’s “supporting organised crime,” much like how you’re contributing to climate change with all that carbon dioxide you’ve been exhaling lately. The article then goes into exhaustive detail about the estimated price and origin of the belt, the price of a real Louis Vuitton belt, Miller’s maiden speech, her connections with various unions, and a few other squares on the Pad Out This Godawful Feature Article So I Can Go Home bingo sheet.

There’s no word yet on whether the Mail‘s sudden interest in counterfeit goods will eventually extend to a broader exposé on clothing companies using exploitative labour (see: half the brands you’re wearing right now), but they may have overestimated the Wave of Public Outrage they were hoping this would generate. Even that Dante’s pit of the internet, the Courier Mail comments section, was largely unimpressed with the story, and you know you haven’t exactly reached the dizzying heights of your profession if they’re poking holes in your reporting.

phwoar

Strong words. Strong, confusing words.

But at least a few people managed to get something out of it. Queensland’s Parliament resumed this morning, and a couple of politicians from the Queensland LNP jumped at the chance to mock Miller about the scoop and also be garbage bag shaped like human beings.

Aah, Queensland. You’re on your own, we cannot help you.