‘The Bachelor’ Week Two Power Ranking: Richie Is Flummoxed By The Futility Of Courtship

This week the girls increased their power immensely, hovering over the ground like demi-gods, their hair sending out sparks of electricity while man-made structures crumbled in their wake (is Richie still on this show, y/n?).

I gotta say though, the real highlight for me was seeing a non-contestant in the Bachelor mansion — there was a waitress in the garden filling up champagne glasses! Getting them all nice and drunk and ready to rumble! When does that ever happen! Have you seen this before!?

What has this person seen behind closed doors? What devilry has this human witnessed — what horror — and pushed deep down inside her soul, internalising the savagery except for those rare moments where she screams the foul scenes out in her sleep, before she’s promptly soothed by Channel Ten publicists and/or Osher.

LET’S DO THE POWER RANKINGS!

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Keira (5 points)

After last week’s stoush with Alex, which she undoubtedly won, Keira was left ruminating about how she thought Alex was a good person but on second thought nah, it turns out that she’s not a good person. This week Keira didn’t even bother to hide her fury about the stupid group dates she was forced to attend and successfully intimidated everyone she encountered, including Richie.

The first group date was a game of roller derby followed by a private ‘street party’ (aka three caravans in a warehouse where they drink white wine out of jars) as if the producers had googled ‘2009’ and just picked up keywords to create these ridiculous scenarios. Pretty cool that they re-contextualised a traditionally female-only space to a dating show task designed to attract a man!!!!! They then make them wear sumo suits, just so they don’t feel too empowered.

“HE’S ON SKATES!!!!!” the contestants shriek as Richie rolls up. “I’m on skates, ha ha,” Richie says. Richie explains what roller derby is and Keira remarks, “I’m a princess, I do yoga”. “I need a tattoo!” says another contestant, just in case you weren’t 100 percent aware of the class dynamics on this show. “Any girl who likes sport says she is lying,” Keira says. Oh boy.

This task revealed that some girls are developing bravery enough to challenge Keira’s dominance, but most are not yet brave enough to say it to her face. Sophie reckons that watching Keira fall down in the rink “was literally the funniest thing [she’s] ever seen”. Noni says, savagely, that “Keira looked like a cockroach who was about to die”. Keira waited until the dead of night, and planned her revenge the light of a single candle.

Oh no, she didn’t she just went on another group date. All the girls slapped on a choker and went to do some ballroom dancing in a castle, or something. Richie tells the girls that he wants to “achieve a beautiful dance” because he’s done pretending to be a human now. Keira executes a magnificent power play by immediately shotgunning him as a partner and making him feel sorry for her by saying she has a sore shoulder, and is concerned about sustaining further group date-related injuries.

“I got this is in the bag,” she says in an American accent.

Keira does a saucy dance with Richie (at one point she grits her teeth and says “EYE CONTACT”) but the others don’t fare so well. Richie’s expectations for the task are very strange. He says he’s looking for someone who is “cheeky and sassy” but who is also really good at waltz? “I reckon everyone is playing it safe,” Richie says when the girls do exactly what the task has required them to do. Everyone immediately tries to act beautiful and refined but also wacky.

“It was very passionate,” Noni said of her dance, in which she and Richie shuffle around each other like a brother and sister. But like, a brother and sister who have also been in suspended animation and are trying to remember how their limbs work. “It felt like I was on the set of Sleeping Beauty or something,” Eliza says when it’s her turn, of course referencing the disturbing 2011 erotic drama starring Emily Browning. “I literally got lost in his eyes,” she continues. Eliza is still missing, please pray for Eliza.

Keira won the task and went on a date that involved a ball gown and a string quartet (Keira later tells the girls that it was an orchestra). She and Richie dance, but she mostly chooses to twirl by herself so as to admire herself in the dress, and does not touch him.

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Faith (4 points)

Faith revealed herself to be a bit of a wildcard last week and this week she smashed her single date — like quite literally, she beat up Richie a bit? “Ha ha,” Richie said.

Richie picks Faith up in a speedboat and explains to her that it’s “a little bit James Bond-y, ha ha”. “I’ve never been in a yacht before!” Faith says. And you know what? I believe her. I really, really do.

“Want to learn a few things about boats?” Richie says to her which, zzzzzzzzzzz oh wait I think she’s enjoying it. Men, explain boats to me! Faith and Richie get on very well, because they are both attractive blonde people who love to laugh. “We just laugh all the time!” confirms Richie. “On the surface everything seems perfect, so I want to see what’s wrong inside Faith.” They go to a little island hut, where a man named Dennis (who is apparently the best cocktail guy in the world, or whatever) makes them two sickly sweet concoctions to start their day. Salut!

Then they hop in the pool (Faith pushes Richie in the pool) and splash each other’s perfect bodies and play pretend basketball. Faith is very physical and admits that she contemplated drowning Richie. Richie can’t remember laughing so much on a date! It’s unclear if this is good or not, but they make out anyway and he tells her he likes her. If this was Year 10, he would have already asked her to the formal and made her a mixed CD with ‘Strange and Beautiful’ on it.

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Megan (3 points)

Megan almost cooked it! Oh boy, did she ever! She’s very excited to get a single date (“I don’t know Megan that well, but I doubt they’ll have a future,” Keira says) but the nerves hit her hard this week. Richie remembers that Megan has an almost sexual adoration for the ocean so decides to take her to the ocean. Megan reckons that Richie “looks almost as good as the scenery!” ‘Almost’. Tough break, Richie.

Sitting on a glass platform that is suspended by a fucking crane sounds like the stupidest shit I’ve ever heard, but dinner and a movie doesn’t make good TV. “It’s kind of romantic but also kind of terrifying?” Megan says. Megan hates this date. “We could probably sit over the edge!” says Richie. Probably! They probably won’t die if they do that! So Megan and Richie dangle their legs off the glass podium and take in the view of the ugly cliff and the crane that is keeping them alive. “I feel like doing that Titanic thing!” Richie says. What like… horribly drown?

Megan and Richie keep saying how much chemistry they have, without actually showing any signs of human chemistry. “I’m so passionate,” says Megan. “I’m the kind of guy who gives 100 percent, like sending morning texts,” says Richie. They spend 20 minutes explaining what they’re both looking for, which are just like the standard good qualities for any baseline humans. Then Richie tries to kiss Megan. Then she cooks it.

The second time Richie doesn’t miss. They both agree it was a “really nice” kiss. “We have so much chemistry,” says Megan.

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Eliza (2 points)

Apart from just generally acting like a Grade A weirdo, Eliza was the catalyst for a bit of confrontation this week, which shows that she wields more influence than perhaps we gave her credit for. I just don’t think that her target should have been Keira.

Keira frequently comments that she can’t believe that Eliza is even still there.

Keira annoyed a lot of the girls by complaining that she wanted a proper single date instead of the one she got, which left them all to bitch about her extensively back at the house but being careful to end the conversation all agreeing that “there’s a soft side to her too” which negates every bad thing you previously said in girl world. When Keira returns with her rose, Eliza summons the courage to say: “I’m so happy for you darling, but you were ungrateful today.”

Immediately sensing that this was a mistake, Eliza apologises. The damage is done. At the cocktail party that night, she tries to apologise again. “I don’t like to do things like this at cocktail parties,” Keira says. “Their relationship will never be the same again,” says some girl whose name I can’t remember.

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Alex (1 point)

For someone who has spent a lot of the season crying, Alex is still very strong in the power ranking. Her white rose power has caused a massive rift between her and the other girls, who think it’s rude that she has it in the first place. Noni reckons that Alex is disrespectful. Kiki reckons that Richie would prefer a girl who would “use it, not abuse it” whatever the fuck that means. Everyone agrees that Alex by nature, is selfish.

Alex feels so bad about everyone being mean to her that she ignores Richie and cries in a corner. If it’s a tactic, it works.

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So, Who Did He Ditch?

Bye Janey! Sorry you didn’t get your Cinderella story, even more sorry someone said “Bye Cinderella!” when you left :/

Bye Tolyna! You probably shouldn’t have told Richie that you “don’t open up at all”.

Bye Tiffany! You probably shouldn’t have talked about vomit so much!

Bye Sophie!

Bye Marja!

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The Bachelor is on Channel Ten at 7.30pm Wednesdays and Thursdays from now until forever. Read last week’s power ranking here.