The Bachelor Recap: Making Out On The Hogwarts Express

Last night on The Bachelor, we got not three, but two envelopes!

The episode kicked off with Osher entering the room to be psychically pawed-at by all and sundry. The envelopes bore not three single dates, but a single date AND a group date, announced Osher, his lips moving like two hot wet pythons, locked in a steamy embrace. Or, you know, just like two regular man-lips. Choose one, depending on how you feel about Osher’s lips.

Before long, we saw something I was hoping we’d see before the series finale: Jess, the first girl in the house to land a single date with Blake, getting her second single date. Jess is, frankly, the obvious front-runner to win Blake’s heart and/or presumably epic penis. Throughout the season, their interactions have been mostly adorable; they’ve taken to necking whenever possible or, failing that, resting their heads against one another like a horse and its besotted owner. Watching Laurina mock Jess’s facial expressions seemed sadly ironic, given how little Laurina’s taut, dead face is able to emote.

The group date was an awkward, truncated party on a yacht. Zoe, Chantal, Sam and Lisa were invited along — all of whom I love — but so were two of the new girls: Rachel, the blonde with all the personality of a paper plate; and Mary, whose eyes resemble two half-shut Sarlaac pits.

Rachel got a chance at a super awkward chat/interview/interrogation with Blake, away from the other girls. Her conversational skills were startling, with an opening salvo that contained such gems as “Do you like boats, water?”, and “This… is… beautiful. Beautiful boat” — with all the speaking abilities and vocal nuance of Borat.

Sam then got some time with Blake; she admitted she doesn’t feel confident opening up because she’s worried he’s just as into the other girls — but in doing so, she… well, she opened up. Blake asked her to have faith and stick with it.

This is awwwwwful. Watching Blake placate the two or three girls he clearly can see some weird future with truly does show that he’s a real estate agent. First time the winner gets into his pants, she’s going to smell freshly baked bread.

We then joined Jess on her solo date. She arrived to meet Blake at platform nine and three quarters; he hugged her and, after settling down in their carriage, they got to talking.

Blake sat next to Jess on the Hogwarts express. Now that he had pockets rattling with the producer’s gold and silver he was ready to buy as many Mars Bars as he could carry — but the cart didn’t have Mars Bars. What it did have were Bertie Bott’s Every Flavor Beans, Drooble’s Best Blowing Gum, Chocolate Frogs, Pumpkin Pasties, Cauldron Cakes, Licorice Wands, and a number of other strange things Blake had never seen in his life. Not wanting to miss anything, he got some of everything and paid the woman eleven silver Sickles and seven bronze Knuts.

“Go on, have a pasty,” said Blake, who had never had anything to share before or, indeed, anyone to share it with. It was a nice feeling, sitting there with Jess, as they ate their way through all Blake’s pasties, cakes, and candies. “If we both get into Gryffindor I’m going to bone your brains out,” Blake muttered, between bites. “Sorry, what?” replied Jess. “Nothing, nothing,” said Blake, as the train rocketed onwards. This was going to be Blake’s biggest year at Hogwarts yet.

Look, Jess… the date was lovely. But can you and the other bachelorettes stop talking like Blake chose and constructed the date specifically for you? Jess offered to answer fifty questions for Blake, before a character from Downton Abbey approached and bellowed in a thick and borderline Dick Van Dyke grade British accent “HIGH TEA IN DINING CAR WINSTON CHURCHILL EARL GREY BURBLE BURBLE”. They accepted his offer.

Blake then pointed out to us, the viewers, that Jess is an open book but still has walls — showing a fundamental misunderstanding of how books are made.

Our lovebirds then headed via vintage car to the Australian Botanic Gardens in Mount Annen. Blake walked Jess down a gently sloping hill. “Fellater,” he said with a grin. “Fellater.”

I’m getting worried that Jess is performing a little bit: when asked if she believes in love at first sight, the only thing wetter than Jess’s eyes was the lake they were floating on. Jess then received a rose and, as thanks, she jammed up against him HARD. WHAM. NO gaps between their bodies.

Of course, we eventually got to the obligatory cocktail party, only to be ambushed by Louise’s brand new look! Maybe she’s going to swoop in and make a late grab for Blake; we know they get along already, and she can cook — and, unlike Laurina, she doesn’t have a personality like battery acid.

We were subjected to more of the faux-Hans Zimmer score, while Jess told Blake that ‘it was fantastic to touch base’ — ‘base’ being what she calls Blake’s ‘penis’. All the other girls leered at them through a window like horny Jackals, Laurina’s gaunt, plastic face freezing in a sort of ghastly pale rictus. It was like watching a piece of patio furniture try and convey something other than ‘I am a chair’.

After last episode’s lack of a rose ceremony, tonight’s was great to see. Six roses, eight girls: two girls going home. Sam and Jess have roses and they’re probably the two front-runners, so who else came away lucky?

Lisa, Louise, Chantal, Lauren, Laurina, and Zoe were safe in the end. But after seeing that Zoe had received the final rose, Osher came in and told Mary and Rachel what they suspected — that they didn’t get a rose — fulfilling his dual role of handsome host guy and Captain Obvious. Bag-eyes and cardboard face went home, probably in the same limo to save money.

Next week is going to be a big one, guys. Rest up.

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The Bachelor airs on Wednesdays and Thursdays at 7.30pm, on Channel TEN.

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Paul Verhoeven hosts Save Point, writes for TheVine, and is a presenter on Triple J. He tweets from @PaulVerhoeven