The other day my straight man-friend messaged me and said “what do you think of Matty J, I think he might be the most handsome man in the world”. Is this man like crack to straight people of all genders? Look, I wouldn’t say no, regardless.

Anyway, let’s rank how much power each person has in the house. Sometimes I forget that’s what we’re doing here. Ranking power.

Frankly, this episode was fucked. Everyone go jump into the bin.

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TOO MUCH POWER

Matty’s Sister: 300 points of sheer power 

It was nice to remember that there are women in the world who don’t want to bang Matty, but that was about the only good thing about Kate last night.

As all sisters usually do (???), she immediately embarked upon an inquisition style campaign of terror, interrogating each of the girls about whether any of the other girls were there “for the wrong reasons”. I mean, it’s not like they’d come on the show to swear a vow of chastity. The entire show is motivated by lust and greed, but whatever.

The imperial torturer immediately started getting names out of the contestants – and that name was mostly “Leah”, whose past as “potentially an exotic dancer” was something she “really felt Matty needed to know about”.

She held a weird matriarchal power over these girls, as if reminding them that their greatest challenge was not just to win Matty’s cardboard heart, but to be the holy bearers of his precious seed. Because she had already dropped spawn, she had the mighty power to judge them of their worthiness.

Alix – 10 points

Hey, Alix got a date! It’s a pity it was wakeboarding – an activity which absolutely nobody in the world enjoys doing. They also seemed to be doing it in a large green pond.

“Cool, cool, sick,” said Alix, knowing that Matty is a boy who loves enthusiasm and activities and climbing trees and running around in a circle until you vomit. The last thing she should do is register her complete lack of interest in being towed around by a boat in a brackish puddle.

“Things are funner with a wager involved,” claims Matty J.

“Sick, cool, perfect,” repeats Alix.

So why does she get some points? Because she managed to get Matty’s shirt off, which has made me suddenly appreciate his personality a whole bunch more. Also the wager involved either getting massaged or massaging him. Frankly, whoever wins, it’s all good — there’s still touching.

Laura: 8 points

In the show’s most terrifying challenge yet, it flooded a room with tiny children and then judged the women’s “maternal instincts” in a horrifying kind of musical chairs that relied upon trusting the inherent worth of a child’s instincts. We shouldn’t trust children. Psychologists have confirmed that they are basically born as psychopaths! Don’t quote me on that.

Poor Laura was left standing alone, and because she possesses a modicum of dignity and poise, everybody decided that meant she was bad with children, and therefore a terrible potential mother. I would have been acting like one of those old-fashioned cartoon ladies when a mouse is in the room, so frankly I thought she did great.

And then, she managed to talk around one of the spiteful little bastards which happened to be Matty’s nephew, immediately winning the approval of the pudding prince AND his terrifying attack-sister. As a reward, she got to almost literally grapple tongues with the bachy boy.

Way to snatch victory from the jaws of defeat AND saliva from the jaws of Matty J.

Laura doubles down with Kiss #2!#TheBachelorAU pic.twitter.com/nuJRk5fg6W

— Channel Ten (@channelten) August 16, 2017

Elora: 5 points

Hey Elora, let’s not shame people about their jobs. This show does pride itself on pitting women against each other which, at the best of times, is some morally suspect entertainment, but this a step further. There was an inherent judgement against adult entertainment (when it involves women, not former Bachelors amirite) and hey, not cool.

That said, her very not cool thing worked and she played a very dirty move against Leah.

Elora: 'She could be some kind of exotic dancer'
Also Elora: #TheBachelorAU pic.twitter.com/iSFrygfPSb

— Yvonne 王祎 (@yvonne_w93) August 16, 2017

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NOT THAT MUCH POWER BUT DOING OK I GUESS

Simone: 1 point

“I ‘ave no loyalty to these girls,” says Simone, immediately reminding me that I know nothing about this British woman. “She deserves to know who ‘er bruvvers dating.”

She didn’t quite make as powerful move as Elora, but she did start the whole witch hunt, so here’s a point.

Leah: 1 point

Leah got dropped into the shit because she spent some time as a topless waitress, and apparently Matty needs to know about this. Let’s not shame people about their jobs, yeah?

I mean, I did shame that lady who was in the show earlier for being a relationship counsellor, but that’s mostly because a) she’s clearly in the wrong line of work if she thinks The Bachelor is a good idea, and b) she reminded me of the Mike Meyers vehicle The Love Guru.

Though Matty J seemed to take all this weird hysteria about Leah’s job to heart, I felt like she dealt with it all like a boss. Even when Matty J’s sister started pacing around her like in that James Bond scene where Mads Mikkelsen thwacks him in the balls with a rope heaps! That’s impressive. I would have crumbled beneath the pressure immediately.

When Matty ‘confronts’ Leah about her ‘dark past’, parading her in front of the rest of the girls like some kind of modern version of The Crucible, her answer was basically ‘fuck this, no man is worth this shit’. This show and its shaming of sex work is ridiculous, but I think Leah was absolutely boss in a stupid and insulting situation.

Also, back in the There’s Way Too Many Children Here challenge, Leah said “I’m great with kids, once they stop shitting themselves, I’m in” which makes me believe she would have been just about ready to handle Matty J.

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The Bachelor is on Channel Ten 7.30pm Wednesday and Thursday nights from now until forever.

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Patrick Lenton is a writer and author. He tweets at @patricklenton.