Ten Food-Related TV Shows That Would Be Better Than Most Of The Others

Australia is obsessed with food. There was even an IQ Squared debate about it, and if those boffins are crawling out of their ivory towers, it has to be a thing.

Our televisions are overflowing with cooking-related shows, like a crocquenboosh is overflowing with disgusting cream and stuff. But after Masterchef’s most recent gaff, perhaps there’s room for one more cooking show in this already overcrowded banquet. Here are a few pitches I’m making to the fat cats of network TV:

High Steaks:

All the fast-paced excitement of poker, with the added excitement of gambling dripping slabs of prime beef. But this isn’t simply barbeque enthusiasts idly wagering some offcuts from Woolworths; in order to make sure the ‘steaks’ are sufficiently raised, each player is gambling the only food source of their family, who are being starved by the producers as the series continues.

Hey, Pesto!:

Ever thought, ‘I like dip, but it doesn’t fill me with a childish sense of wonder anymore’? Well, this show is for you. Over polite chit-chat, magicians will perform a range of nibble-inspired magic. Ever seen pumpernickel bread pulled out of a hat? You’ll be agape at canapés!

Curd Your Enthusiasm:

Did you know that one of the writers of Seinfeld was a lemon-curd cheesecake? This is one sarcastic dessert who doesn’t have a lot of luck in interpersonal relationships, probably because it is a cake.

Capsicum, Capsi-go:

For this wacky group of inner-city vegetables, falling in and out of love is the flavour of the month. It’s a seasonal affair. Sometimes they feel the time is ripe, only to discover the opportunity has dried up. It’s their salad days.

F.R.I.A.N.D.S:

So no one told you life was going to be this way. Your job’s a joke, you’re broke, you’re a small French cake.

Tiramatsunami:

In this sexy, sassy new reality TV show, we place a diverse group of 20 to 30-year-olds on a tropical island that has just suffered a major natural disaster. Sounds just like the plot of Lost, right? The twist — apart from an increased rate of cholera infection — is that each night they have to bake a perfect dessert, sourced only from the shattered wreckage they find floating around them.

Game Of Scones:

Several different chapters of the Country Women’s Association struggle for superiority in the Royal Easter Show scone-baking competition. The level of gore is about what you’d expect, but the level of doggy style is a bit confronting.

Eggs Men:

The exact same plot and characters of X-Men, yet all their powers have been replaced by eggs. Optic egg blasts, the ability to magnetise eggs, etc. Professor Xavier can read the minds of eggs, which is surprisingly useful yet heartbreaking at breakfast.

Queer Fries For The Straight Guy:

If there’s one thing that throws your average hetero-normative jock for a loop apart from hardcore anal sex, it’s fancy potato products. In a format reminiscent of Punked, we watch the tears and tribulations as bros get their fries replaced with more elaborate fries, like chilli fries and, in one landmark episode, kumera fries.

Will And Glaze:

Exactly like Will And Grace except Grace is played by a packet of glazed donuts, which really doesn’t change anything because people only watch that show for Karen.
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Patrick Lenton is a writer of theatre and fiction. He blogs at The Spontaneity Review and edits The Sturgeon General, a new anthology of comedy writing. He tweets inanity from@patricklenton.