The ‘Star Wars’ Merchandising People Have Created Furry Chewbacca Crocs, Must Be Stopped Immediately

Christmas is coming, and the gargantuan marketing steamroller that is Star Wars: The Force Awakens is coming with it. There’s going to be so much cheaply-produced Star Wars-branded junk spilling out of shopping centre aisles this December, even the hardiest parents are going to wind up with a shitty plastic light saber or Lego Death Star kit in the trolley if it shuts little Jayden up for two blissful minutes.

To maximise publicity and eventual weary-mum dollars, Lucasfilm and Disney are launching what is hopefully described as “the world’s first ever global live toy unboxing event,” which sounds a lot more exciting than it actually is. It’s basically an eighteen-hour livestreamed YouTube video of people in various cities unveiling the various merch goodies Star Wars nerds will be able to get their mitts on before the movie comes out.

There’s even a hype video, if middle-aged marketing executives talking up how much money you’re going to give them is your thing:

It starts in Sydney early on the morning of Thursday, September 3 — here’s a timetable if you suddenly have to take a day off work — and as a taste of what’s about to be unleashed on this benighted world, unparalleled arbiters of footwear style Crocs have unveiled their own Star Wars-themed shoe, taking Chewbacca as their inspiration. Behold:

Note the little picture of Chewy’s face on the side — it’s there so everyone will know you’re wearing official Star Wars merch and not just any old nightmarish house slipper with holes punched in it. I like how if you squint even a little bit, the front end of the shoe looks like a face with teeth clenched in the agony of its own existence.

For the low, low price of $59.99, you can give your feet the plastic, furry, bandoliered home they’ve been aching for ever since they gave up on life along with the rest of you. You can buy them here. Alternatively, you could not do that.