Sucked In, Guys. This Is Pretty Much What You’ll Be Wearing This Year.

High-end men’s fashion is a strange and wonderful thing. The ‘rules’ of real-life men’s fashion become irrelevant on the runway, and suddenly the question isn’t “Should I wear a black or a pinstriped suit?” but “Does this halter neck go with this bucket-shaped manbag?” For the past two weeks, as the first string of fashion shows of the year began to appear in London and then Milan, it’s been all about oversized roll-necks, weird crop tops, endless stripes and plaid, and a mildly insane mixed bag of looks that has fashion folks enraptured and others asking that age-old question: “Has fashion gotten a bit silly?”

Here are the top things we’ve learned so far about menswear for 2014…

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1. Real men wear skirts

Gender-blending is pretty been there, done that in fashion (see: Kanye), yet for some reason words like ‘shocking’ and ‘challenging’ still get thrown about in the media whenever a fashion-y dude shows up someplace in a kilt and heels. If there’s one thing to take from the London shows, it’s that feminine influences aren’t going anywhere fast. From Alexander McQueen’s post-punk style to Tim Burton-esque plaid skirt-suits and Astrid Andersen and Lee Roach’s shoulder-baring tops, boys are still borrowing from the girls.

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2. Tomato soup red is the new black

The forecasters at Pantone predicted the colour of 2014 would be ‘Radiant Orchid’ (code name: ’18-3224′). Not so, Pantone. In fact, it’s a searing shade of orange-red that has really stood out across the collections, making menswear look very Heinz-y.

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3. Ranch, uh, dressing

There have been chic ranchhands everywhere recently, clomping about in chunky boots and donkey jackets. In Philipp Plein’s ‘Noir Cowboy’-themed show, the sexy Western vibe reached its peak, with boys in leather pants and exotic skins swaggering down the runway to Johnny Cash. Then Versace took it that one step further, creating a bizarre cowboy-bikie hybrid, complete with rhinestone horseshoes, leather chaps and embellished underpants. As the ever-quotable Donatella herself explained, “Our cowboy is macho, he’s a biker… he doesn’t have a horse.”

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4. Plaids are the new black. Wait…

While Topman may have stuck with the classic schoolboy vibe, Agi & Sam took plaid somewhere completely different. We hope you have fun there.

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5. It’s getting coord in here

For a few seasons now, women’s fashion has been all about ‘coord’ (as in ‘coordinated’): matching tops and bottoms. It sounds weird, and it can look a bit like pyjamas sometimes, but whatever — it’s en vogue, and it seems it’s now a thing in menswear, too. Across Milan and London, there were some very comfortable-looking, matchy ensembles, mostly in shades of grey, green and brown. If those colours are too sedate for you, don’t worry — Lou Dalton made you a lovely tie-dyed pink version.

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6. Get thee to a goth club

Designers seem to be responding to the current fervor for dystopian worlds and the supernatural with dark streetwear full of industrial accents and gothic draping. Pale, intense-looking models wore backless tops, floaty capes and heavy black boots, like they came straight out of The Bronze or some weird forest where teenagers fight to the death.

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7. When everything else in insane, you’ll always have nerds

Clark Kent, Seth Cohen, and even Daniel Radcliffe as Allen Ginsberg… One thing that will always be true about menswear is that dorks somehow always win. All you need is a sweater vest and a pair of big glasses to look instantly chic — even if you forget your pants.

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Rebecca Howden is a Melbourne-based writer and editor. Her work has appeared in places like Kill Your Darlings and the Sleepers Almanac, and you can talk to her about cats at @rebecca_howden.