Six Pieces Of Definitive Proof That Hello Kitty Was Never A Cat

If you believed last week’s internet, Hello Kitty is not a cat. Maybe it’s the name or her distinctly cat-like features, but we’ve all been making the wrong assumption for years.

The revelation came when anthropologist Christine Yano submitted a script to Sanrio (Hello Kitty’s corporate masters) to fact-check, before an upcoming Hello Kitty exhibition. Of course, there was one basic fact nobody doubted.

“Hello Kitty is not a cat,” relayed Yano last week. “She is a little girl. She is a friend. But she is not a cat.”

The already cat-curious internet literally exploded into a million pieces with the news. How can Hello Kitty not be a cat? Is nothing sacred? It was a dark night of the soul, and with buckets of Yen at stake, the corporate backflip was almost immediate. “It’s going too far to say that Hello Kitty is not a cat,” explained Sanrio in a Kotaku interview on Thursday. “Hello Kitty is a personification of a cat.”

But some things can’t be unsaid — and, whether anthropomorphisation or personification, at some point you’re just splitting 擬人化.

I had to investigate. But the further I looked, and the more I discovered about actual living cats, the clearer everything became. Of course Hello Kitty isn’t a cat. We should have seen this coming.

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#1: Hello Kitty Is Joyous

See that smile? Her open, loving attitude to the whole world? I bet Hello Kitty never gets drunk or anything.  

Let’s compare that to a real cat. This is actual science now: cats can’t smile. They also cannot live without a diet of dead animals.

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#2: Hello Kitty Eats With A Fork

It isn’t entirely clear what she’s eating here, but Hello Kitty is definitely using a fork. She’s sitting at a chair eating yellow goo with a fork. Incredible.

Now check out this genuine footage of a real cat eating. See? Living cats eat like animals, because they don’t have opposable thumbs for cutlery. 

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#3: Hello Kitty Dances

I’m no Mick Jagger, but those are some rocking moves. She’s even dancing with a friend who came to the club wearing virtually identical clothes — can you imagine a real cat being that forgiving?

In contrast, take a look at this dancing cat. Seems legit, right? But look again… that’s right. Somebody has sneakily hidden themselves against the black background, and is swaying the cat with their hands.

That’s not dancing, cat!

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#4: Hello Kitty Can Write

Admittedly it’s no language I’ve ever come across, and it appears she’s mouthing the words out loud, but Hello Kitty is holding a pen (there’s that opposable thumb again) and writing.

Probably a letter to a friend. Nice things, too.

But genuine cats are so bitter and twisted, they don’t even have friends — and they definitely have no idea what to do with paper.

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#5:  Hello Kitty Is Absurdly Strong

In the above footage, Hello Kitty is removing a tree stump through sheer strength. Setting aside the whole issue of opposable thumbs and relative size, when was the last time you saw a cat help a farming community in need?

This is what cats are really like. They’re so weak and sleepy, they can’t even sit upright! Nothing at all like Hello Kitty.

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#6: Hello Kitty Was Born In A Tulip

If you still aren’t convinced Hello Kitty isn’t a real cat, here’s the deal breaker. This may not exactly be canon, but it appears Hello Kitty is partly botanical.

She was born in a tulip… or from a tulip, whatever. The point is she’s half tulip.

Of course, we can’t show footage of a real birth (let’s just say there’s a lot of YouTube videos with “and eating the stillborn” in the title), so here’s a cat getting ready to go into labour. You’ll notice there isn’t a tulip in sight.

There you have it: conclusive evidence that Hello Kitty was never a real cat.

Strange times indeed, although it does clarify why Hello Kitty had a pet cat of her own (Charmmy Kitty — presumably no relation).

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Ash Hauenschild is a philosophy graduate, Australian expat, and editor of Illegitimate Theatre. He tweets from @AshHauenschild

Feature image via Cheezburger.com