Six Classic Superheroes And The Real-World Problems They’ll Probably Face In Their Next Reboot

This article is brought to you by Powerhouse Museum’s The Art of the Brick: DC Comics exhibition, on now.
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We’ve reached Peak Grit in the superhero genre and, sort of unsurprisingly, the world is loving it. Batman’s long since evolved from Adam West’s self-aware camp and George Clooney’s goofy nippled spandex into the grim, brooding antihero of Christian Bale. The upcoming Batman v Superman sees even the Man of Steel, the original pioneer of undies on the outside, take a turn for the gritty, which is excellent news for people keen to watch two men in ridiculous costumes scowl at each other for 150 minutes. And with Marvel’s Jessica Jones, the small screen is now hosting a hard-drinking, PTSD-riddled superhero whose nemesis is a mind-controlling serial rapist.

In other words, the days of shiny bodysuits and villains dropping cringeworthy puns are over. But there’s only so far the gritty realist reboot can go before things start to get kind of depressing. How does Wonder Woman do her job in the age of the anonymous internet troll? Can Iron Man develop a business empire if he’s still struggling to pay off his astronomical student debt? ‘Man Made Entirely Of Bats‘ author Patrick Lenton imagines a world where superheroes have to grapple with real-life problems like the rest of us, and the results ain’t pretty.

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“To The Bat Shanty, Robin!”

There’s only one thing that separates Batman from your run-of-the-mill Halloween thug, and the answer is not principles. It’s accessories. Without the Bat-Belt and the Bat-Car, Batman is just a rich guy who attacks people with his fists.

So what happens when Batman takes a hit during the GFC? It’s not like he’s been focused on the day-to-day of running Wayne Enterprises, what with all the late nights stalking the backstreets while dressed as a scary bird. Stripped of his assets and owing creditors millions, he loses Wayne Manor and has to move to some low-scale Bat-Apartments (at least they’re probably full of bats). Most devastating of all, he loses his Bat-Butler, who we all know is basically his Bat-Dad.

“I wanted better for myself, Mr Wayne,” says a teary Alfred, moving on to a butlering job with better hours and a union-negotiated employee contract.

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Captain Ameri-Can’t Find A Place To Live

Captain America is basically a glorified soldier: a big old patriot dad with a shield and a yearning to punch Adolf Hitler in the face. And that’s great — but in the US, which has a ridiculously high proportion of homeless veterans, it’s pretty unlikely an old soldier like Cap would be given the support he needed once the war was over.

Captain America represents all the ideals of military service — sacrifice, honour, service to country. Unfortunately, in the contemporary US, that also probably entails being lauded as a hero in a Presidential candidate’s stump speech who then votes to cut funding to veterans’ hospitals.

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#NotAllHulks

The Incredible Hulk is notorious for his anger issues, and in the early 21st Century that means one thing — being extremely mad online. Initially turning to the internet as a way of venting his unquenchable rage, ‘GreenGuy87’ becomes a dreaded presence in comment threads and hashtags the world over.

Hiding behind an unassuming egg avatar, the Hulk gains legions of man-fans for his bouts of irrational rage and extreme violence, which work depressingly well in the online sphere. Expect him to announce a speaking tour on the power of using violence to get your way, before his visa is pulled by the Department of Immigration after a successful Change.org petition.

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We Grew Here, You Flew Here In A Space-Faring Cradle From A Long-Extinct Planet

Considering a heap of Western nations are getting all draconian about their refugee intakes, what will happen to the mightiest refugee of all? It’s only a matter of time before Ted Cruz or David Cameron makes the case that Superman is taking jobs away from local superheroes, or that the danger of Kryptonian terrorism means it’s safer to keep him offshore. The Man of Steel will probably be less than eager to help the human race in its hour of greatest need when he’s imprisoned in a legally dubious holding facility made entirely of Kryptonite.

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A Flash In The Pan

Sure, The Flash used to be the fastest man alive, but after those steroid allegations came out, nobody even cares. After being forced to cancel his motivational talks, as well as his patented brand of inspirational plastic wristbands, The Flash becomes a byword for superhero substance abuse and fallen-idol syndrome.

Despite a brief comeback with a reality dance-show called The Other Flash Dance and a bit part in the second Entourage movie, he soon bitterly fades into obscurity.

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Wonder Woman Can’t Shatter The Glass Ceiling

After pulling a bus of no-legged orphans out of a lava river, Wonder Woman is asked by journalists how she felt while she did it, who’s looking after her kids while she’s at work and what advice she has for women who want it all.

“You wouldn’t ask Iron Man where his kids are,” she answers impatiently before flying away to rescue an overturned cruise liner. Both heroic deeds are touched on in the eighth paragraph of articles headlined ‘CLAWS OUT: Wonder Woman Takes Swipe At Iron Man!’, along with exhaustive explanations of why her outfit is empowering to women, disempowering to women, or both.

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To see DC characters re-imagined into mind-blowing Lego monoliths visit The Powerhouse Museum’s Art Of The Brick exhibition now!

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Feature image by Dale Philbrick.