Culture

Seven Middle-Aged Men Having Trouble With Hoverboards This Week

Including: Russell Crowe, Mike Tyson, and your dad.

First thing’s first: both you and I know that these things aren’t real hoverboards.

LIES.

After 30 years of aggressively pining for a real version of Marty McFly’s flying skateboard, the world seems to have recently settled with the closest thing. Back To The Future Day has come and gone and we’ve funnelled all our acute feelings of technological inadequacy into “self-balancing, two-wheel smart electric scooters” despite the fact both its wheels very much touch the ground. Same same. Good enough. No more questions, please.

Though released in China last year, these devices have flooded the international market in 2015 and their coveted (yet unofficial) nickname has made them an appealing Christmas gift for many families with too much money to spend on their jerk kids. UK retailers have deemed it the “the latest tech craze sweeping the globe” and Australian company AirWheels reported staggering demand for boards ranging between $895-$1799 in the lead-up to the holidays.

However the product comes with some definite drawbacks. First of all, you can’t really ride it anywhere. Hoverboards are illegal on the streets and sidewalks of New YorkUK and Australia as they’re essentially motor vehicles which don’t meet the requirements for registration. Importantly, they also have a nasty habit of randomly catching on fire. In the US there’s been more than 20 instances of the devices’ batteries spontaneously combusting, the most recent of which caused an evacuation of a mall yesterday.

Perhaps most serious of their faults, however, is the sheer havoc they play in the lives of confused middle-aged men. Here are a few of the big goofy dweebs who had a very tough go of it this week:

Russell Crowe

Yesterday afternoon Russell Crowe, the Academy Award-winning actor and person who my dad once bowled out at cricket*, was outraged he couldn’t take this futuristic death machine on a Virgin flight with his family.

Virgin promptly responded stating “due to safety concerns over the lithium ion batteries in hoverboards, these have been banned on all major Australian airlines and many around the world”. “We’re sorry you were not aware of this prior to check-in today,” they added, with a slight hint of delicious snark. “Hope to see you on board again soon.”

“On board”

Still mad about the whole thing, Crowe then asked why the airline didn’t tell him this when he booked the ticket. “Where is your duty of responsibility in this?” he said.

This didn’t go over so well, attracting another perfectly explanatory response from Virgin and the unfiltered scorn of bored people on Twitter who don’t have much else to do over the holidays:

If that last response sounds weirdly familiar it’s because he made the odd decision to write it with the exact same cadence as this line from Notting Hill.

Russell, stop.

Christmas Dad

It’s probably for the best Russell couldn’t take his kids’ hoverboards on holiday as it’s been proven dads are physically incapable of standing on them.

Go on. Watch it again. He fell so hard it somehow brought down his son who was standing with two feet on the ground. It’s almost impressive.

Party Dad

This one is all about the sounds.

Lesiure Dad

Short but sweet.

Please note the absolute glee on the young man’s face when his father, the man who gave him life in this world, unceremoniously eats the ground.

Mall Dad

Important lesson: if a salesperson offers you a free trial of something fancy in the mall, just keep walking. It’s just not worth it.

This Hip Priest

This may be one of the sadder tales on this list because, against all odds, the old guy actually managed to master the art of the hoverboard. He rode it in a public place around dozens of people who look up to him. He rode it around them while singing. Then he was reprimanded for it.

This Filipino man dubbed by the internet as Cool Priest has been suspended and reprimanded by the Diocese of San Pablo for cheapening a sacred space with a gimmick to get people’s attention. “The priest said that it was a wake up call for him,” the Diocese recently told local news site Rappler. “He acknowledged that his action was not right and promised that it will not happen again.”

-Ce curé est hilarant sur son hoverboard Weebot, leur E-shop : www.wee-bot.com – This Pastor is so funny on his Weebot, get yours on http://www.wee-bot.com- Este cura Sí está a la moda con su Weebot, Compra la tuya en http://www.wee-bot.com

Posted by FLOW CARTAGENA on Saturday, 26 December 2015

Former World Heavyweight Champion Mike Tyson

I have no words for this. It is perfection.

#hoverboard #knockout #MikeTysonBreaksBack #imtoooldforthisshit @getcyboard

A video posted by Mike Tyson (@miketyson) on

* Bowling Russell Crowe out during a high school cricket match is one of my dad’s greatest victories. I am morally obliged to shoehorn the story into as many people’s lives as humanly possible. Merry Christmas, Dad.