Culture

An Extremely Important Baby Has Entered The World Overnight

I think we all know which special child we're talking about.

by Patrick Lenton  24 April 2018
The Rock

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If you haven’t heard the news about this special child, you’re clearly a rampant fool, a massive imbecile who has been living under a rock — but not under The Rock. Because presumably the person under The Rock was quite aware that she carried his child for nine months and then expelled it.

Yes, The Rock and his partner Lauren Hashian (but let’s be real, it was all Lauren Hashian doing the work) have welcomed a new baby girl into the world, a real chip off the old block. This is the news. A babby has been brought forth in an explosion of womb fluids.

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The newest member of the rock formation is named Tiana Gia Johnson. She is The Rock’s third daughter and his second with Hashian. As far as Junkee knows, she is the only important child born recently in the world.

The Rock introduced everyone to said child with a long and mushy Instagram post, which is very on brand.

“Word to the wise gentlemen, it’s critical to be by your lady’s head when she’s delivering, being as supportive as you can.. holding hands, holding legs, whatever you can do,” said Dawyne Johnson, really getting graphic with how many limbs are involved in childbirth.

“But, if you really want to understand the single most powerful and primal moment life will ever offer — watch your child being born. It’s a life changer and the respect and admiration you have for a woman, will forever be boundless.”

Skin to skin. Our mana. Blessed and proud to bring another strong girl into this world. Tiana Gia Johnson came into this world like a force of nature and Mama @laurenhashianofficial labored and delivered like a true rockstar. I was raised and surrounded by strong, loving women all my life, but after participating in baby Tia’s delivery, it’s hard to express the new level of love, respect and admiration I have for @laurenhashianofficial and all mamas and women out there. Word to the wise gentlemen, it’s critical to be by your lady’s head when she’s delivering, being as supportive as you can.. holding hands, holding legs, whatever you can do. But, if you really want to understand the single most powerful and primal moment life will ever offer – watch your child being born. Its a life changer and the respect and admiration you have for a woman, will forever be boundless. And to my third and youngest daughter, Tiana Gia – like I did when your two older sisters Simone Alexandra and Jasmine Lia were born, you have my word, I’ll love, protect, guide and make ya laugh for the rest of my life. Your crazy dad has many responsibilities and wears many hats in this big ol’ world, but being your dad will always be the one I’m most proud to wear. Oh and one more thing.. you’re gonna love rollin’ in daddy’s pick up truck. #TianaGiaJohnson? #3rdDaughter #BlessesAndGratefulMan #ImInTROUBLE

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Seems insane that this tiny child will one day rule all of Great Britain, but those are the rules I guess.

Tributes poured in for the new royal baby:

But also, some interesting questions were asked:

Long live The Pebble.