A Ranking Of The New ‘Gilmore Girls’ Revival Set Photos According To Misery

New Gilmore Girls is coming, but you already know this. If you’re like me you’re probably excited and a little frightened, not because the new series has the capacity to retroactively fuck up the original series (it won’t do that; if we survived Lane having twins we can survive anything) but because it’ll probably be really upsetting.

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You know that it will, because Gilmore Girls is the kind of show that you put on if you want to cry cathartically about something, because it acts like a stimulant to any emotional blockage you have going (ew, sorry). Like Parenthood, Grey’s Anatomy, Scandal and select episodes of Downton Abbey, Gilmore Girls can fuck up your feelings. It can fuck them up real good.

Are we ready to metabolise fresh tragedies? Probably not! But the new set photos released today suggest that we have no choice. Let’s take a look at them now and consider how deeply desolate they all are!

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Initially, this photo doesn’t seem like it’s tinged in melancholy. Rory is smiling serenely (a little too serenely, what’s happening girl)! Lorelai is gazing up at the snow, and she loves the snow! Unless Lorelai isn’t staring up in a “Oh wow, snow” way but in that way where you tilt your head up because you know you’re about to cry and you’re literally trying to tip the tears back into your face. The front page of The Stars Hollow Gazette should read: “NOTHING IS WHAT IT SEEMS”.

Rating: one out of five tears.

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In this photo everyone is confused and I think that’s because something terrible has happened, and it has caused them great (yet confusing) misery. Maybe they’re confused as to why Lorelai would wear one of those light scarfs that offers no real protection? Why is that scarf knotted at both ends? What is happening with the weather conditions in Stars Hollow if Lorelai is wearing a coat and scarf and Rory is wearing a sleeveless top? I think this image might be about climate change.

The good thing about this photo is that I can count four black people in the shot, which might be an all-time record for Gilmore Girls.

Rating: two out of five tears. 

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Okay, this image is extremely distressing and maybe not even safe for work. First we’ll get to the obvious: it’s a Friday night dinner without Richard Gilmore. We’re going to have to deal with the death of Richard Gilmore. To remind you of his absence, there is a massive portrait of Richard Gilmore in the other room. The camera takes the point of view of where Richard Gilmore usually sat when he was alive. Now he’s not. This photo is trying to make you sad in like, 11 different ways.

There is also great misery in Luke’s posture. I don’t think he would be allowed to attend one of Emily’s dinners in a baseball cap, so perhaps he has rushed in a la Christopher in season three to deliver some terrible truth. This image is savage and frankly, rude.

Rating: three out of five tears. 

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Do not be distracted by the fact that your destructive ex-boyfriend Jess is back and that he looks really good. Do not be distracted by the fact that his hair is at a really good length. Do not be distracted by the fact that he’s got very nice boots on, which must mean that his zine museum or whatever is doing quite well.

Okay, now let me explain why this photo is tinged with sadness: firstly, Luke looks mad and Jess looks serious. Jess and Luke have had many loaded and serious discussions in the diner, but sometimes they turn out to be warm and fruitful (like when Jess confesses to Luke that he told Rory he loved her, and Luke explains how love works thanks to his recently-purchased self help book). I don’t think this is one of those times. Man, Jess looks good.

Rating: four out of five tears. 

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This is the rudest photo I have ever seen in my life. Why would Netflix do this to us? As if to confirm that Lane really is locked in Stars Hollow forever, having given birth to twins at 22 and given up her dreams of rock stardom, this image depicts Lane sitting behind a booth at a town festival. Like she has done her whole life. Just serving food, sitting behind a booth, at a Stars Hallow festival.

Those of us who have dreamed of #JusticeForLane, may have just had our hopes dashed. Pray4Lane

Rating: five out of five tears. 

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Gilmore Girls: A Year In The Life is on Netflix November 25.