Who Is Most Qualified To Be President Judging By Disaster Movies?

By now you’ve probably read many, many pieces analysing the minutia of the US presidential election, which at last count has been going for approximately 12 years.

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However, you probably haven’t read anything about which US presidential candidate is better equipped to deal with an alien invasion or zombie apocalypse and frankly, that is my primary concern right now. What would Donald Trump do if a 5,000 kilometre mothership started approaching Earth? How would Hillary Clinton respond if mercenaries stormed the White House and she and Channing Tatum had to single handily fight them off?

These are the answers I need. Let’s cut through this ‘analysis’ of ‘politics’ and start talking about the real issues.

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Which Candidate Could Fight Off Russian Terrorist Plane Hijackers?

In Air Force One, President James Marshall is minding his own business and enjoying the miracle of flight, when a bunch of asshole terrorists hijack his plane and start shooting everyone. “Mr. President, stay back!” the White House staff keep saying, but he can’t stay back because he is the motherfucking President of the United States and these people are defacing his plane.

The President pretty much gets rid of all the terrorists and even helps land the plane, because that’s the kind of thing a president should just know how to do. “Get off my plane!” he says and boy, you better believe that those criminals listen.

How qualified is Clinton: 8/10

How qualified is Trump: 4/10

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Which Candidate Could Deal With 36 Space Ships Attacking Earth’s Major Cities?

President Thomas J. Whitmore in Independence Day has the bad luck of being the US president when hostile aliens decide to invade Earth. He unfortunetly evacuates America’s major cities too late to save them from the alien attack, but even after enduring one of the aliens attacking him via ESP (or something) he still gets in a fighter jet to blow up the aliens himself.

‘Why couldn’t the President just let the actual military pilots to blow them up?’ you might be thinking. Well he couldn’t, because he was fighting for America’s freedom.

How qualified is Clinton: 7/10

How qualified is Trump: 2/10

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Which Candidate Could Stop A Comet From Destroying Civilisation?

The difficult thing about Deep Impact is that Morgan Freeman seems so much like the president America should have, that he kind of makes regular politicians look like inelegant clowns. In this film the President must deal with a giant space rock that will certainly make the human race extinct when it hits Earth.

President Beck tries everything to blow it up and a bunch of people die while throwing nuclear bombs and other things at it, but luckily he had the foresight to build some secret underground shelters so does manage to save a bunch of people anyway. President Beck is very good at delivering bad news so everyone is sort of like, “Oh well” even though millions of people die during this film.

How qualified is Clinton: 9/10

How qualified is Trump: 3/10

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Which Candidate Could Fight Off Mercenaries Who Took Over The White House?

In White House Down, President James Sawyer has to fight off a bunch of enemies who sneak into the White House and get mad about a peace treaty he has signed. These bad guys hate peace, and they hate America. The President and a police officer named John have to fight their way through the White House, which the president considers a real bummer because he likes peace so much.

He also wears Air Jordans.

How qualified is Clinton: 8/10

How qualified is Trump: 5/10

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Which Candidate Would Save America From Climate Change?

In The Day After Tomorrow, the weather is trying to kill everybody and much to Dennis Quaid’s chagrin, it is happening very quickly. President Blake listens to Dennis Quaid despite the Vice Presidents protests, and manages to evacuate half the country to Mexico.

Unfortunetly President Blake cares so much about evacuating people that he forgets to evacuate himself and dies in a snow storm. For America.

How qualified is Clinton: 9/10

How qualified is Trump: 1/10

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Which Candidate Is More Likely To Kill A Vampire?

Please.

How qualified is Clinton: 8/10

How qualified is Trump: 2/10

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Which Candidate Would Prepare For The Mayan Apocalypse?

President Thomas Wilson is very prepared in 2012, and as soon as he learns about the Earth’s solar flare or whatever this movie is about, he meets up with other world leaders and tries to come up with a plan to save everyone.

This doesn’t go exactly to plan, but the President decides to stay in the White House and comfort children and tell everyone they’re doing a great job, while all the rich people are safe in a submarine. Because being president is about making sacrifices.

How qualified is Clinton: 8/10

How qualified is Trump: 0/10

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Which Candidate Would Keep Trying To Communicate With Murderous Aliens?

In Mars Attacks, President James Dale is mostly a not very good president, but what he is very good at is giving aliens second chances. Even though the martians seem to slaughter humans en masse every time they encounter them, the President always thinks he can negotiate with them and make them stop murdering everyone.

It doesn’t work, but at least he tried.

How qualified is Clinton: 5/10

How qualified is Trump: 2/10

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Which Candidate Could Keep Their Cool When The Cyclons Attack The Colonies?

President Laura Roslin was not actually elected, but that is okay because when you’re the president you just have to roll with the punches. Despite not being the actual president and only assuming the role because everyone else is dead, the President saves many humans and says things like: “I’m coming for all of you!” which really motivates the surviving members of the human race.

Despite the terrible things to go on around her and the criticism of some opponents, the President wins the trust of her people and thoroughly proves herself. Pretty good omen, huh.

How qualified is Clinton: 10/10

How qualified is Trump: 0/10