Powdered Alcohol Is A Thing That Exists, Making Its Way To Bottle Shops Later This Year
This is a terrible idea.
Ever downed 14 beers in the space of a couple hours and thought, “Awghwyuugh. Man, I am FUCKED UP. But I wish I was fucked up 13-and-a-half beers ago, without having to go through all the wetness!” Sit down, my vomit-strewn friend, ’cause this news will blow your pickled mind.
Earlier this week, the US Alcohol and Tobacco Tax and Trade Bureau approved a ridiculous new product that could be making its way to our shores in the not too distant future: powdered alcohol. Palcohol, the enticingly named company responsible for the idea, are hoping to release the product in American liquor shops by springtime (our time) this year.
According to Palcohol’s official website (which has been rewritten since internet mockery began this weekend), the powdered booze will come in six ready-to-mix (you know, or chomp) flavours:
- V (“Made from premium vodka distilled four times”)
- R (“Made from premium Puerto Rican rum”)
- Cosmopolitan
- Mojito
- Kamikaze, already renamed Powderita (“Tastes just like a Margarita!”)
- Lemon Drop
“Who created it? Mark Phillips. Why?”, the website asks, predicting our obvious line of questioning. “Mark is an active guy… Hiking, biking, camping, kayaking, etc. After hours of an activity, he sometimes wanted to relax and enjoy a refreshing adult beverage. But those activities, and many others, don’t lend themselves to lugging heavy bottles of wine, beer or spirits. So he thought wouldn’t it be great to have alcohol in powder form so all one had to do is add water?”
Since ‘booze for alcoholic gym nuts’ isn’t the greatest sales pitch, Palcohol have come up with other ideas for their product. “Beer, wine and spirits are often added to dishes to enhance the flavour… We’ve been experimenting with [Palcohol] like adding Powderita powder to guacamole, Cosmopolitan powder on a salad, V in a vodka sauce, etc. It gives the food a kick.”
Despite their recipe suggestions, the company seems aware of the diabolical uses its totally unnecessary product might inspire. In a since re-worded FAQ on the site, they address the “elephant in the room“. “Yes, you can snort it. And you’ll get drunk almost instantly because the alcohol will be absorbed so quickly in your nose. Good idea? No. It will mess you up. Use Palcohol responsibly.”
Yeah, that’s gonna happen.
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**UPDATE:
According to The Associated Press, a representative from the Alcohol and Tobacco Tax and Trade Bureau just announced that the approvals were “issued in error”, which makes so much sense. Sigh, everybody pour out some liquor for powdered liquor. Someday the world will accept you, powdered liquor, someday.
