A Guide To The Brand New Australian Alt-Right Pokemon Starter Deck
From Garrydose to Lathamite.
Racist posters have been appearing across Sydney’s inner-west this week depicting Asians, the Apex gang and high-profile Muslim Australians like Yassmin Abdel-Magied and Waleed Aly as Pokemon. Designed to look like Pokemon cards, the posters read “Gotta catch & deport ’em all.” One poster of Greens Senator Sarah Hanson-Young reads “gotta catch & hang ’em all”.
The posters are tied to a group called Aussie Nationalists (though they deny distributing them) and NSW Police are currently looking into the matter. A representative of the group has said they may be making more and intend to “raise awareness … as to what is happening to Australia through mass immigration and the Chinese buy-out and the anti-Australians we have in parliament and on our TV networks.”
In short: it’s fucked. It’s full-blown racism and abuse in the streets, and a depressing yet accurate reflection of a huge part of Australian culture right now. Both Abdel-Magied and Hanson-Young have publicly condemned the posters. Junkee writer Patrick Marlborough, on the other hand, figured if anyone was going to be reduced to wild caricatures it should probably be some of the people spreading the hate.
Let’s reclaim Pokemon with the Alt-Right Starter Deck:
This ubiquitous Pokemon may become Alt-Right if exposed to an MRA stone.
Pub Test (10): If Garrydose decides his opponent’s attacks aren’t Up To Snuff, he may activate Passive Aggressive Silence.
Average Punter (passive): Garrydose is immune to Persuasion and cannot be harmed by moves such as 4 Corner Expose.
Coward Punch (30-45): Garrydose may punch an opponent when it is not his turn. If Garrydose is holding a schooner add +15 damage.
Cronulrite: If Garrydose is exposed to a Cronulrite he will hold a commemorative BBQ on the 10th anniversary that will be attended by four other Garrydose.
Often paired with Garrydose, Minionina’s passive ability Banality allows her to offer bonuses, as well as quietly condone their behaviour.
Think Again Sweetie (5): Minionina deflects an attack and reminds her opponent that social media influencer is essentially a medical degree.
Minion Gif: If Minionina is holding a Minion Gif she gains +5 Sp. Def. for every react received on her anti-vax page.
This legendary flame-haired rodent Pokemon is known for baffling trainers with its paranoiac syntax and unsinkable legacy of hate.
Dancing With The Stars: Hansonite summons a Paul Mercurio mirage, add Mecurio’s scoring of Hansonite to its special defence.
Maiden Speech (10): Hansonite stuns opponents for two terms.
Resurgence: If KO’d Hansonite will return after four turns with double HP and media coverage.
This once great Pokemon is often mistaken for a pile of trash. It is constantly thirsty, and gains +20 Sp Atk insecurity points when fighting Pokemon of a different gender.
Toxic Vlog (20-50): Lathamite spews bile on his opponent, and may do so multiple times if his holding a Live Stream.
Cab Grab (25): Lathamite falls asleep for two turns. Once woken, Lathamite accuses his opponent of giving them the screw around, tackling them and possibly causing a status condition, such as Broken Arm.
Man Cave In: Lathamite bloviates and gains a sharp increase to Sp Def, but suffers a greatly reduced platform.
This basement dweller gains +5 attack for every RT, but is weak against Social Interaction and Facts.
DM Slide (15): Kekabra may slip into the DMs of opponents to call them slurs, causing 5 damage (15 max) for every reaction gif.
Extremely Online (passive): If Kekabra is battling Online it gains +5 to its Sp Atk for every questionable newsource it RTs. Kekabra also suffers a steep decrease in Sp Def however as Extremely Online leaves it vulnerable to Criticism.
Blocked: Kekabra is able to block an opponent that calls it out. This move can be countered by Email Employer, which will reduce Kekabra’s HP to 0.
The final evolution of Kekabra, Pepekazam harnesses a powerful combination of Post-Irony, Rebranded Nazism, and Untreated Personality Disorders to dazzle its opponents.
Meme War (20): Pepekazam RTs a barrage of poorly executed memes. May cause opponents to become Confused or Disinterested.
Triggered (120): If Pepekazam causes their opponent to flinch they may go in for an all-out attack. However, if Pepekazam misses the recoil damage may cause him to Meltdown.
Meltdown: Pepekazam becomes confused and starts linking perceived personal slights against him as Conspiracies. Pepekazam deals 30 damage to opponents, himself, and may accidentally say something anti-Semitic on his Twitch livestream.
Proud Boy (passive): Pepekazam’s warped view of history and their own self-importance makes them immune to Fear and Common Sense.
This self-reviving fossil Pokemon is able to banish any Pokemon a darker shade of Clefairy. It’s ability to Summon Witch Hunts and Offer Platforms makes it the perfect support tank for an Alt-Right Deck.
Spiked Column (35): If there is an Albwreckt or Bolton in your hand, this attack gains +10 Hysteria Damage and may cause Public Outrage.
Hot Take (10): Newskore may refashion a Guardianite or Pedestrion’s Content ability to cause Critical Damage to an opponent’s National Discourse.
Photoslop: Newskore photoshops opposing Pokemon into an SS Uniform, may cause Confusion and Eye Rolls.
Syndicated: Passive ability that poisons any opponents battling on a Media Landscape.
This Magost Berry-headed Pokemon is mysteriously found in Cabinets. His Thinly Veiled Hate make him a tenacious opponent, if one unelectable as leader.
Mandatory Detention (20): Duttonyx may hold already damaged opponents in Mandatory Detention, causing 20 damage for an indefinite amount of turns.
Tow Back: Duttonyx may counter Drownings At Sea by towing his opponent out beyond his jurisdiction. The opponent can no longer affect Duttonyx’s stats.
Citizenship Test: Any Pokemon that fails Duttonyx’s Citizinship Test must return to its trainer’s hand, and stay there.
This budgie-smuggling Pokemon robo-apostate gains approval points while in opposition, but loses them when Held Accountable.
White Ant (5): Ab-Bot leaks confidential information about his opponent’s weaknesses, causing 5 damage for each turn Ab-Bot is still (inexplicably) allowed on the field. May harm allies.
Onion Chomp (–100): Ab-Bot bites an onion causing his opponent to flinch, deals 100 recoil to Ab-Bot’s Sp. Def. Opinion Polls.
Knighted (75): Ab-bot knights his opponent, every active card and player becomes Confused.
Rhodes Scholar (passive): If Ab-Bot’s Approval Ratings reach 51 percent the opposing player is forced to acknowledge that Ab-Bot he is a Rhodes Scholar, adding +15 to his Atk.
Mad Monk (passive): If Ab-Bot’s Approval Ratings dip below 49 percent whoever played him must acknowledge that he is a Mad Monk and deal 50 wrecker damage to any Malcomites in his hand.
Pell Defense: Abbott may boost the Def. and diplomatic immunity of any Cardinal in the player’s deck.
Patrick Marlborough is a writer and comedian based out of Fremantle. He tweets at @Cormac_McCafe.