Penny Wong Is About To Debate Cory Bernardi On Marriage Equality; Here, Have A Drinking Game

I know it’s probably irresponsible to suggest a drinking game right now. It’s pretty inadvisable at the best of times, let alone at midday on a Wednesday. You’re probably working or studying or living your life as a respectable human in a society. I get it.

But also, Labor Senator Penny Wong is about to face off against Liberal Senator Cory Bernardi at the National Press Club in a televised debate about marriage equality. It’s obviously a huge issue of national importance leading up to the introduction of a multi-party bill when parliament resumes next month and there are still important questions to be asked about the Liberal Party’s reluctance to an all-important free vote — but what make it all the more interesting/exhausting are the people involved.

Here’s Wong this weekend at the Labor National Conference discussing the party’s new commitment to legislating marriage equality within their first 100 days of office and her broader struggle for LGBT rights:

And here’s Bernardi valiantly trying to oppose everything discussed therein:

A drink or two doesn’t seem completely out of order.

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The Rules

Every time Cory Bernardi cracks open his leathery little mouth: take a sip from your pre-spiked morning coffee.

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Every time you hear the words “family values”: down a big gulp.

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Every time you hear the word “polygamy”: start straight-up chugging.

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Every time Bernardi says “a mother and a father” so slowly and deliberately it sounds like he’s delivering a eulogy to a child’s parents who have been recently murdered: throw the burning hot beverage on your own face.

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Every time he brings out a live bulldog wearing a tiny wedding dress and points smugly as if it illustrates an unassailable point: raise your empty cup in respect, because holy shit that would just be incredible.

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Every time he pulls a foolproof tactic from Year 8 debate club and reads out the dictionary definition of marriage: blow off everything you were planning to do today and run screaming to the nearest pub.

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Every time Penny Wong raises her eyebrows and tames her triggered gag reflex with a deep guttural sigh: do a shot in solidarity.

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Every time Penny Wong shakes Bernardi’s hand and/or makes eye contact with him: immediately coat your naked body in rubbing alcohol to cleanse you and wait for it to seep into your bloodstream to numb the pain.

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Every time Cory Bernardi gets lost for words, rips his shirt off, and challenges Wong to settle this by wrestling/boxing/whatever it is that encourages him to expose his body so often: neck a flagon of straight vodka like a Norse sailor and try to fight someone in the street.

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Every time Penny Wong uses a verified study (like this one about same-sex parenting) to demolish a homophobic statement: toast her with a glass of the classiest, most expensive wine you have access to.

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Every time someone mentions the numbers which show overwhelming public support for the issue: hurl the glass over your shoulder like a dejected bride tossing the bouquet, because they prove this debate shouldn’t even be necessary.

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The debate will be live-streamed on ABC, ABC News 24 and online here from 12.30pm: