One Direction Are Splitting For At Least A Year; The Teens Seem Surprisingly Okay With It
Do not underestimate the wrath of a Teen misled.
In devastating news for little cousins everywhere, boy band and sporters of carefully elevated hair One Direction are calling it quits for at least a year. According to England’s The Sun newspaper, which has some kind of secret 1D access if their past exclusives are anything to go by, the group’s members “have mutually agreed to an extended hiatus of at least a year to pursue solo projects” and will not be touring in support of their fifth album which comes out sometime towards Christmas.
The hiatus will begin in March, at the end of the group’s contractual obligations to their label Syco, and The Sun claims “there is absolutely no bad blood between them and they are all 100 per cent behind the decision,” which will be a relief if you are more invested in this stuff than I am.
Speaking of which, how are The Teens taking the news? In a word: confusedly. A lot of outlets are running with technically correct but misleading “ONE DIRECTION SPLIT” headlines, because nothing gets the punters going like good ol’ emotional manipulation, and the Teens just don’t know what to make of it! Over to you, Teens.
When you read that #OneDirection are breaking up pic.twitter.com/omMw8PujDZ
— The Boy Who Lived (@HalfBloodTweet) August 23, 2015
Logging on to Twitter and seeing the new drama #OneDirection pic.twitter.com/nJ7TKQRWQk — DRAG ME DOWN (@CaraghReilly1) August 23, 2015
“they’re breaking up” “they’re going on a break, they’re not breaking up” #OneDirection pic.twitter.com/wVAuAc7Qnx
— DRAG ME THE FCK DOWN (@fjckharry) August 23, 2015
Actually, the more you dig into the #OneDirection hashtag the more scepticism you find; most of them seem fine with the prospect of the band taking a break, and are directing their energies instead at ruthlessly hunting down and exterminating those initial overblown reports of the band “breaking up”, like The Hunger Games but with gifs and Comic Sans.
IF THEY TAKE A BREAK, I HAVE MORE TIME TO SAVE MONEY FOR SOME GOOD CATWALK SEATS NXT TOUR #OneDirection pic.twitter.com/0A5IIoubKl — maggie misses liam (@litljpx) August 23, 2015
all these rumors got me like: #OneDirection pic.twitter.com/8wqql7rgNs
— annie | pcd (@cancelstyles) August 23, 2015
when i saw articles saying that 1D will split up in march #OneDirection pic.twitter.com/ySPZiVurYA — alyssa !! (@carrotsfthazza) August 23, 2015
Turns out The Teens are pretty good at recognising tabloid hysteria-mongering bullshit when they smell it, because they grew up with smartphones and the internet and all the things every adult pretends to love and understand but secretly fears. We think dank memes are our ally. But we merely adopted the memes; The Teens were raised by them, moulded by them.
The Teens are better at this stuff than we are, and this stuff is the future. That is why we fear them; one day they will surpass us, and leave us behind. Roll on, Teens. Roll on.