TV

‘Neighbours’ Update: Toadie Is Being Fleeced By That Bloody Scammer Dee Bliss

She's coming for the Rebecchi fortune and she will stop at nothing.

Dee bloody Bliss. Or rather, ‘Andrea’. Whatever her name is, this pretender is taking Toadfish Rebecchi for everything he’s got. If this wasn’t a fictional situation between fictional people, it would be the greatest A Current Affair episode of all time.

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#Justice4Toad

Fake Dee is laying it on thick, presumably so Toadie falls in love with her again and she can get her hands on the Rebecchi fortune (they were early investors in the company that made Yowies). She is doing things like hanging out in the park where she and Toadie got married (or it might be the Monash University Caulfield campus, it’s kind of hard to tell) and crying with him about the fact that she’s not dead anymore.

Now Toadie is all, “I need to support my daughter, my daughter Willow” and his partner, Sonya, is like “… is she though” but is mainly communicating that through her facial expressions.

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Whatever because Willow is making herself riiight at home. She has been hanging out with Karl Kennedy’s teenage grandson Ben! “DOES HE KNOW YOU’RE 13??” says Fake Dee. “Ah, I’m not 13,” says Willow.

Toadie has said he’s going to pay for Willow’s schooling, so she has to pretend that she’s 13, and not 15 or whatever, if she knows what’s good for her. Having had to pretend to be Toadfish Rebecchi’s daughter for a couple of weeks now, Willow is a bit tired of the whole thing and says maybe it’s a bit weird that he’s giving her all this money. Fake Dee acts as if this is the most obscene and offensive thing she’s ever heard and absolutely loses her mind.

“DON’T YOU DARE TALK ABOUT TOADIE THAT WAY!!” she says. Wtf.

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“Willow, I do not expect a girl of mere 13 years to understand the complexity of this situation, just respect your Papa Toadie.”

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“But I’m not 13 and Toadie is not my papa.”

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“Goddamn why did I even bring this kid with me, should have left her with Emily.”

A blonde teen called Xanthe and a boy who is Ben are drinking milkshakes. Ben is talking about Willow with some tiny baby who is also sitting with them. “She has to be good to be good for Jimmy! Nothing less than Taylor Swift awesomeness will be accepted!” says Xanthe. Neighbours has a good way of referencing current pop culture in a way that still somehow makes it seem like they don’t understand what that pop culture is. Every time Xanthe references youth culture it’s like Siri picking up keywords from your phone conversations and trying to understand them.

Anyway Willow rocks up and realises that Ben has set her up on a date with this small boy called Jimmy because he thinks she’s 13.

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“Bla bla bla Taylor Swift bla Snapchat.”

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“Hi, I’m your date Jimmy, want a milkshake.”

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“Play it cool, Jimmy.”

Meanwhile, if you think that Karl Kennedy and Susan Kennedy aren’t on this show anymore, well you’re wrong. They are. In fact, in this episode they went to an exhibition at a hotel which among other things, featured the crown from Reign. Reign is an American teen show about Mary, Queen of Scots, which stars Neighbours alumni, Caitlin Stasey.

Do you see what they did there.

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“Hahaha so fun to cross-promote a show that isn’t even on this network.”

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“Hahaha would it be weird if I private messaged Caitlin Stasey, haha just kidding!!”

Come to mention it, if you think Paul Robinson isn’t still on this show, you’re wrong. Paul Robinson is also enjoying the exhibition, and is talking to a man who is talking at length about the history of Mary, Queen of Scots even though no one asked him to. I immediately understand that we are meant to hate this man.

Paul Robinson certainly hates the history man.

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“Did you know that [historical facts].”

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Okay, back to the maybe illegal date between six-year-old Jimmy and Willow. Willow is all “So… Ben isn’t single?” and Jimmy is confused because Willow is on a bloody date with him, calm down Willow!! “Isn’t he a bit old for you?” says Jimmy, his little belly full of milkshake. “NOT IF YOU HAVE A CONNECTION!!!” says Willow.

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“Can you take me home now, Willow.”

Willow just sort of wanders away from Jimmy — which frankly is very irresponsible of her, can’t believe she would leave Jimmy unattended like that — and finds Sonya at the counter. “Hey thanks sooooo much for paying all my school fees!!” Willow says. Sonya is thrilled by this revelation.

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Back at Toadfish Manor, Toadie is chopping up a leek and is like, “Hey welcome home babe, thought we might sprinkle this on our Chiko Rolls tonight, I saw it on Jamie”. Sonya is absolutely ropable that he has promised all this money to ‘Willow’ because it means that they’ll have to re-mortgage their house. “She cornered me!!” says Sonya, which is a melodramatic way to describe a situation in which a teenager politely thanks you for something in a public place, but okay.

“I just feel like I’ve been railroaded into it!” says Sonya.

“LIKE I’VE BEEN RAILROADED INTO RAISING SOMEONE ELSE’S BABY??” says Toadie. Holy moley.

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“Cannot believe a 13-year-old girl cornered me, cannot believe I was attacked so –“

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“Sonya, how dare you.”

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“I am staying at home to make you a beautiful dinner of leeks.”

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‘And now you are attacking me Sonya, after I chopped up all these leeks, please start defrosting the Sara Lee pud now.”

So elsewhere on Ramsay Street, the crown is now missing!! “SHEILA, DID YOU STEAL THE CROWN?????” says one character. Sheila did not! Did Ben steal it, as his girlfriend says, “so [he] can take a selfie for Insta” (kill me)?? Was it History Man? Nope it can’t be him, because last night when it was stolen, the local priest slept over at his place after a “video game marathon”… Ah, okay we’ll circle back to that.

Hey maybe it’s this fucking weirdo who keeps popping up in the corner of scenes.

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Nothing suss about this dude.

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Nah, he seems chill.

Back at the motel room she only leaves to pour salt in emotional wounds, Fake Dee is cracking it at Willow. “DO YOU THINK THIS IS EASY FOR ME, WILLOW??” Fake Dee says, throwing pillows around in frustration. “WHY DO PEOPLE GET SO MUCH AND WE GET SO LITTLE, WILLOW!!!”

Willow is about to explain the basic tenants of capitalism to Fake Dee, when suddenly Fake Dee starts cooing about how much Toadie loves caring about his real daughter Willow. “Toadie cares about us, Willow!” she says, because she’s lost her mind now.

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“See, it’s fine to take money from your Papa, Willow.”

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“Um, I think you’ve forgotten what we’re doing here.”

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“How dare you, how dare you disrespect Toadfish, he is a fine man and an even better father, how dare you.”

Willow is very distressed by all this, particularly as she is not actually Toadie’s offspring. So when Toadie opens the door, presumably to take Willow to Dairy Bell, Willow says very casually: “I’m not your daughter”.

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Toadie is all,“Why would she say that?” and Fake Dee tries to pass it off as a weird teenage phase, haha, no big deal. Fake Dee explains that she has been “so caught up in [her] own feelings” that she has sort of ignored Willow’s, and Willow must be overwhelmed, and Willow is a TEENAGER, everything is fine!

Toadie is placated by the thought that Dee is still so attracted to him that it has caused her to neglect her daughter. He understands adolescent angst. He was a teenager once, after all.

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Willow runs to Sonya, who is at work in the meeting room — I know this because Sonya is wearing glasses and there’s a sign on the door that says ‘Meeting Room’ — and explains that she always wanted a dog, or something. Toadie is pretty concerned at Willow storming out of the motel like that, she’s only 13 after all! But Fake Dee is very relaxed and says she’ll find her way back.

Suddenly Sonia arrives! “I spoke to Willow,” she says.

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“What did that crackerjack say, doesn’t listen to Willow everyone, she tries to sledge me at every opportunity, I swear.”

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“Oh no, we just agreed that you guys should get a bunch of free money from our Yowie fortune.”

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“How is that little angel, I love my daughter Willow Rebecchi.”