‘Neighbours’ Update: Toadfish Rebecchi Is In London, Baby!
It's so hard to find Chiko Rolls in London, tbh.
Did you hear the rumour that Neighbours might not air in the UK anymore?
Yeah, I reckon it’s a bit of a beat-up too. I’d wager that it’s a deadset coincidence that Neighbours has pulled out a storyline involving Toadfish Rebecchi running around all the major tourist sites in London, at the same time that the show’s renegotiation is in jeopardy.
Neighbours has always included plots specifically for British people, anyway. Remember when Warnie was on Neighbours? You reckon that was for Australians? It wasn’t. It was for them.
Pictured: Warnie and Stingray having a yarn and sinking some piss.
Anyway, recently Toadie found Mark hanging out in Sonya’s bedroom, nothing suss though, just one bloke checking on the baby he’s having with another bloke’s missus while getting comfortable in her bedroom. Nothing weird about that!
Except that Toadie found this behaviour extremely suspicious.
“Toad, I don’t know why you’re so upset, just because I got in your bed to chat with your missus doesn’t mean I’m being suss.”
As we knew she would, Fake Dee left Erinsborough for another Anglo Saxon place: London. Toadie assumes it’s his fault because he is a Great Man and because Fake Dee told him that she loved him and he rejected her! That would drive anyone to London. How could you even recover from a love like the Toadfish.
When people from Erinsborough visit London, they most likely never come back. There are no return tickets to Erinsborough. If you leave, you’re out forever, mate. Harold is actually waiting at the airport with a T-Ball bat if you even try. (Is Harold dead? Please advise.)
Anyway, Steph Scully is all, “omg why did my best friend Dee leave??” and Sonya is super mad like, “I DON’T KNOW, OKAY STEPH!!” but then admits that she does know and it’s because Dee has a fiery passion for the Toad. Get in line, right ladies.
“Sonya, just because I have smooched Toadie, you have smooched Toadie and Dee has smooched Toadie, doesn’t mean that Dee and Toadie will smooch again, hey should we smooch now, or.”
“Can’t believe I have sent Erinsborough’s hottest man to London, I am one dumb Sonya.”
Sonya is like, “Do you think they’re smooching on top of Big Ben right now”, and Steph Scully thinks that maybe they are. But most likely, they aren’t! “There’s one thing we both know, being former sexual partners of Toadie, and that is that the Toadfish can be trusted,” Steph says. “But… I am still Toadie’s sexual partner?” says Sonya. “That’s what I mean,” says Steph. Good save, Steph.
Having had enough of this nonsense, Steph suggests watching trashy TV but Sonya is all, “I don’t feel good, I’m going to bed”. Classic Sonya, tbh.
“smdh Sonya, you are so boring.”
“Guess I’ll have to watch re-runs of Hey Hey, It’s Saturday by myself, lucky I have the boxed set.”
Meanwhile — AW SHIT, THE TOADFISH IS IN LONDON!!!
Toadie has vowed to find his dear daughter, Willow, and her troublesome, lusty mother (Fake) Dee. Toadie looks for her around the base of Big Ben and still cannot find her. Where the bloody hell else could she be!!
“Dee, where are ya.”
Toadie calls Dr. Karl Kennedy and Susan Kennedy and tells them that in addition to looking in the two- to three-metre circumference around Big Ben, he is also hanging out in the hotel lobby of where he thinks Dee is staying. Toadfish Rebecchi, you sly devil.
The Kennedy’s are like, “Ah, you really do not have any leads other than ‘London’ do you Toadie”, and Toadie is like, “No not really”.
“Did you check Big Ben though, Toad.”
“Karl Kennedy, how dare you.”
“I have of course been sleeping at the base of Big Ben for three days.”
Toadie asks if Dr. Karl’s grandson has received any DMs or Snapchats from Willow so he may ascertain her whereabouts. Kids contact each other on the internet all the time! “It would be really stupid to come all this way and not find them!” says Toadie. Everyone agrees that yes, that would be stupid.
Just FYI, Susan Kennedy is feeling VERY judgemental about this whole situation.“I think it was a shithouse idea to go tbh,” she says. Dr. Karl is flabbergasted! Susan reckons it’s a bit suss that Dee got the money and then immediately flew to London. Susan is a lone voice of reason on the whole sexy street.
“I mean, it’s kind of strange that she got $100k and left immediately.”
“I am shocked to my core Susan, you are absolutely right, by the way is now a good time to discuss an open marriage, yes/no?”
Ben, the Kennedy grandson, has done some internet sleuthing!! Well, not really. Someone named “Bomber2002” just started following him on Twitter, which is also funny because teens absolutely do not use Twitter except to troll the members of One Direction’s girlfriends. “Toadie is a Bomber’s supporter!” says Karl. “Willow wants to drop bombs from planes!” says Susan. I tell ya, these are the three greatest minds on Ramsay Street, what a cracker of a puzzle.
Oh, also the posts are coming from London. Okay, it’s obviously Willow. Ben explains that it’s weird though, because when people start Twitter accounts they use the year of their birth (not true) and that would mean that Willow is 15, not 13! No one on this show knows about Twitter, so no one corrects him. The Kennedy’s grapple with this troubling new world of digital technology.
“So Ben, Willow writes emails on this screen and they get sent to your telephone?”
“I might actually get Ben to set up my Twitter account for work, @HotKarl4U is the handle, cheers Ben.”
Toadie (still in London) is now trying to figure out Twitter. “Ohhh for sure, this has to be Willow!!!!” he says. Ben is a genius.
There is no way…
… that this isn’t Willow.
In case the viewer doesn’t entirely understand this storyline, Willow immediately starts posting selfies to prove that it is in fact, Willow. “The picture caption says Piccadilly Circus!” Toadie says on the phone to Karl. Karl isn’t so sure about this. “KARL, LECTURE ME LATER ABOUT BEING SAFE!!” says Toadie. Classic Karl, what a stick in the mud. This Toadfish lives life on the edge.
Back in Erinsborough, Mark is putting up a beautiful mural for the baby in his depressing apartment. Suddenly Steph Scully walks in, distressed. This is no time for smooching, that’s for sure. “SONYA IS SICK,” she says. “Steph, just because you smooch everyone doesn’t mean I will,” says Mark. “Toadie will fully knife me if he finds me in his house again.”
“He’s in London, though,” says Steph.
“Let’s go,” says Mark.
The mural of a moral man (Mark).
In London, Toadie just sort of walks the streets looking worried.
“Wonder where I could get a Chiko Roll.”
He arrives at the café that Willow tagged herself as being at, but a waitress says that Willow “left a wee while ago”. She said ‘wee’ instead of ‘little’! Toadie immediately understands that this person is English and thus is not someone to be trifled with.
Toadie seems flummoxed that Willow and Dee were there, despite specifically going there because he knew that Willow was there. The café has a banner that says ‘Jamie Oliver’ printed on it over and over again. They really ARE in England.
“WHERE’S MY DAUGHTER, MY DAUGHTER WILLOW REBECCHI?”
“The wee knackered lass was barmy, it’s been donkey’s years since she was here.”
“Goddamn, why can’t they speak normal like in Colac.”
Willow takes another selfie! It’s at popular British landmark, Tower Bridge! “The tube would be quickest!” says the English girl, who I think may actually be Australian, but anyway. Toadie thanks her and then immediately gets in a cab. He is on vacay after all.
Toadie is now worried in cab. Worried, but really enjoying these London sights. What a city, might book myself a ticket actually.
“I miss Willow so much, hey is that where they filmed that bit in Harry Potter.”
Willow is now tweeting about Buckingham Palace. By the time that Toadie gets there, she is of course gone. Toadie stares at Buckingham Palace in solemn contemplation. Perhaps Toadie is pondering the weight that the monarchy has on the mind of a patriotic Australian. Maybe Toadie is thinking about all the times he has been let down by the colonial oppressors.
“Well, there it is.”
“Wonder if they sell Samboy chips here.”
What’s happening back on Ramsay Street? I’ll tell you what. Mark, now knowing that it is safe, goes straight to Sonya’s bedroom. He cannot believe that Toadie has gone to London, and has a great deal of righteous indignation about it for someone who is often in Toadie’s missus’ bedroom at night time.
“Sonya, I am absolutely gobsmacked at Toadie’s lack of moral compass, I cannot believe this Sonya.”
While lovingly touching her hands, nothing suss here, Mark notices that Sonya is burning up! He thinks that they should go to the hospital IMMEDIATELY. Sonya never likes to do anything, so she fights that tooth and nail. I hate getting out of bed too, I feel ya Sonya.
“MARRRK, I DON’T WANNNNNNA MARK!!!!”
Oh, boy. Bit too intimate, Mark! Now, please allow me to take us off topic for a second: are these two men the same man?
Woah.
Anyway. Susan Kennedy visits Karl Kennedy at the hospital, definitely not to check up on him. Susan reckons he should go to London because Toadie needs a “stable influence”. What if Toadie is just having a mad one?! Haha, classic Toad.
Karl Kennedy pretends that he is unsure about going on a trip, while obviously wanting to have a mad one himself. THE BOYS ARE BACK IN TOWN, YEEEHHHAAA!
“I don’t know Susan, this trip seems a bit too mad for me, I am but a humble doctor.”
“Quick question, do you think Dee is single or?”
Before he goes, Dr. Karl visits Sonya to check that she hasn’t turned into a giant flame ball. Sonya is wearing a t-shirt that says ‘Australia’ to remind us that we’re now in Australia. Sonya expresses to Dr. Karl that she is worried that Toadie will hook up with Dee. Dr. Karl gets so mad at her. “HE NEEDS RESOLUTION, OKAY SONYA???” he says. Dr. Karl isn’t fucking up this trip for anything.
“There’s nothing wrong with her… physically,” Dr. Karl says to Steph Scully and Mark, which is a highly shady thing to say. Bon Voyage, Karl!
“Sonya is what we call in medicine ‘an annoying person’.”
“Now I’m off, I’ve heard that London is a good place for chatting to ladies, I mean, I am worried about my neighbour, Toadfish Rebecchi. Bye.”
So, because reasons, Mark decides to sleep in Sonya’s bed. Mark decides that at this juncture, sleeping in Sonya’s bed is the best thing for him to do. However, little did Mark know that he would be sprung. That his deep betrayal would be revealed. There’s a new power player in Erinsborough.
THIS CHILD.
“I see you Mark, and I find you wanting.”
Steph Scully is also in the house, but somehow does not find this sleeping scenario at all problematic. Steph leaves the room, presumably to find someone to smooch, and a phone starts ringing. The kid picks up and it’s Toadie!
“Hey kid, give the phone to ya mum,” Toadie says.
“Mummy is in bed with Mark,” the kid says.
Holy shit, this kid is pure evil. Ramsay Street just got itself a new villain.
Fuck ’em up, kid.