‘Neighbours’ Update: Things Have Gotten Even Weirder With Dee And It’s All Too Much

There has been another twist, I need to lie down.

I don’t know how we got here. I didn’t think that this year I would be writing about Dee Bliss’ return to Neighbours. I really didn’t think I would be writing about Dee and Toadie’s teenage daughter. But now something very bad has happened. This is where we’re at now.

(This wasn’t the bad thing that happened, by the way. Or maybe it was, I’m not sure now.)

When we last watched, Toadie discovered that he and Dee had a kid called Willow, which makes perfect sense if you don’t think about it too much. As you can imagine, Toadie’s current missus, Sonya, is mad suss about this. Conveniently, Dee has a DIY paternity test (probably from Emily’s own stash) so she can prove that Willow is a bonafide bloody Rebecchi.

Dee is all “open up” and swabs Willow’s mouth, and then weirdly says “eww” when she looks at the swab. This either suggests that Willow has some gnarly stuff going on in her spit or that Dee is not a very nice mum. It’s a scientific fact that it takes a lot for mums to be grossed out by their kids, I have done some truly disgusting things in front of my mum and she has never even flinched.

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“Willow what the bloody hell is going on in your mouth mate, lucky I had this DNA test just sitting in the cupboard!!!”

Sonya is watching this meanwhile and trying to make awkward chitchat like, “Ahhh… want me to reimburse you?” Sonya is desperate to oversee the testing so they don’t cheat, but is also trying to appear polite and likeable because being a woman is a complicated business, okay? She explains to Willow that she’s just a bit shocked, to which Willow is like, “Ah yeah, I just found out that Toadfish Rebecchi is my dad, IT’S FREAKING FRONT PAGE NEWS TO ME TOO LADY”.

Willow then puts her headphones in and ignores Sonya, which is such a casually savage move, I love teens. “Don’t worry about her, she’s just mad at the world,” says Dee. Sonya takes the test sample and is all “omg sorrrrrrrry! Eeek sorry!!! Sorry I think you and your daughter are dropkick liar gutter rats omg sorrrrrrry!!!

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“Sorry I accused you of lying guys, I hope we can still be friends though, maybe meet you at the milk bar later for a Chiko Roll, sorry???”

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Meanwhile, Toadie is bloody ropeable that Sonya would go behind his back and administer a DNA test to his beautiful, definitely related-to-him daughter, Willow. A Toadfish can recognise his own kin, how dare she!!!

Toadie: “Did you wait for me to leave the house so you could do an at home DNA test?”

Sonya: “No, I definitely did not do that.”

Toadie: “Did you though?”

Sonya: “Yes. ”

Toadie forcefully rubs his own cotton swap on the side of his mouth. It’s the rub of a man who has been betrayed, the rub of a man who is quickly losing grip on everything he knows to be true, the rub of a man who is sinking in quicksand, the rub of a man named Toadfish Rebecchi.

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“Cannot believe ya, Sonya.”

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“Can’t believe I put on my favourite shirt because I thought I was gonna have the sickest day, and now my mouth tastes like cotton, Sonya, get me a Big M so I can rinse my mouth out, thanks.”

Then Toadie is like, “Right, well I’m off to hang out with my daughter Willow now, seeya” and Sonya is veeeeery mad about this. Meanwhile, there’s also been this very judgemental kid in the room the whole time and I have no idea who she belongs to.

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“I see you Toadfish Rebecchi, and I find you wanting.”

In other news, there’s a priest having a coffee with a bunch of old ladies. “We don’t take dates with handsome young men for granted, do we Beryl!!!” one of them says while elbowing her friend. Another young dude walks up and explains that he’s been doing community service for the local church and the same lady says, “I have a soft spot of bad boys.”

These ladies are on heat, what’s happening here.

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(Young Pope??)

Anyway, Toadie gets to Dee’s motel room, spreads his arms wide and announces: “Good news guys, I can hang out with you all day!!” even though Willow hasn’t really given him any indication that she wants to do this. Dee is mad embarrassed that Willow is being grumpy, but Toadie says it’s okay because everyone is freaking out. “It’s not every day a terrifying teenager blows into your life!” he says.

You said it, Toad.

Willow doesn’t really want to hang out though. Toadie says that he’s not sure how to “navigate” this situation, so asks the child to tell him what to do and how to handle it, yeah that’s a good move, well done Toad.

“What about the paternity test?” Willow says, and Dee cradles her head in her hands.

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“Willow come to me, it is I, your Papa Toadie.”

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“I can’t believe this is happening, I cannot believe Toadie is my father.”

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“omfg kid, I cannot believe you would disrespect the Toadfish like this.”

Dee says that Willow is obsessed with the idea of flying fighter jets — a common goal for 13-year-olds. Willow makes no facial expression to confirm or deny this. “She’s still angry at me for not telling her about you,” Dee says in front of Willow. Good god, Dee is a piece of work. “We don’t have any airports here, but we have a lake!!!” says Toadie. Toadie that’s not the same, Toadie please.

They decide that Willow and Toadie should go to the lake and Dee is so relieved not to hang out with Willow anymore that she absolutely loses it when Toadie says to Willow, “Let’s go, Captain!” because planes, or something.

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“Kid you better start laughing at Toadie’s jokes, I swear to god, kid.”

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*next minute*

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By the way, if you think that Steph and Mark are taking a one-way ticket to Splitsville, you are 100 percent right! While trying to find her keys in Mark’s car, Steph finds an earring. An EARRING! There is nothing more suspicious than finding an earring. Absolutely nothing in this world. Steph, of course, is immediately suspicious.

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“Looks like an earring.”

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“What the eff is going on here.”

Sonya is whinging to Karl Kennedy, who is probably trying to pick her up, to be honest. “I knew what my tree looked like! There were a few thorny branches, but now there’s this whole other branch coming out of the tree!” Sonya tearfully explains and Karl pretends to understand.

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“Sounds like you’re in quite a pickle Sonya, hey want to go to dinner sometime, don’t tell my wife!!”

The Steph Scully rocks up looking grumpy. The earring belongs to Sonya! Uh oh, watch out Sonya.

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“Come and get it, mate.”

Nothing really happens with Sonya, but later on Steph Scully gets very mad at Mark. She works out that Mark cancelled their engagement party so he could have a drive with Sonya. Suddenly Mark gets a call that Sonya has a bloody nose (lol, okay) and goes running to her… so Steph breaks off their engagement? Sure whatever.

But forget all that, because something truly treacherous happened this night. After spending the best day of her life with Toadfish Rebecchi, Willow comes home to Dee and says with remorse, “He really thinks he’s my dad… why would you do this to him?” Suddenly Dee puts on some sort of 1930s gangster voice and is like “Hey schweetie, this is about you and me, get it?”

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Dee faked the DNA test! Willow is really 15! Willow isn’t Toadie’s daughter! Dee isn’t Dee!

“Whatever you say…. ANDREA,” says Willow. Holy moley, this changes everything.

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“We have to fool one of the greatest minds of my generation, don’t blow this for us.”

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