‘Neighbours’ Update: Steph Scully Is Smooching All The Ladies
And Karl Kennedy has a weird sausage.
Neighbours was trending on Twitter last night? Yeah, I don’t know either.
If you think that it was Fake Dee-related, you are dead wrong. All you need to know about Fake Dee is that she’s still around, is maybe in love with Toadie, and just won’t give the Toadfish one bloody moment of peace, GODDAMN.
“I think Toadie is re-falling in love with me, this is ace.”
“Oi did Toadie just hang up on me, must be one of those phones that drops out sometimes.”
The most important thing that is happening in Erinsburgh is a competition over who is the best at cooking sausages. This is a competition that seems to take place in the middle of the day, which means that these people do not have jobs or are taking leave in order to cook and sample each other’s sausages.
Karl Kennedy is in this competition. His sausage is deemed too weird. “This smells a bit funny,” says one sausage-eater. “Wait, you haven’t seen mine yet!” says Paul Robinson. Okay.
“Just wait ’til you cop a bite of my sausage, pal.”
Okay, so you know how Steph Scully and Cardboard Mark’s relationship has been mad rocky? Well they are obviously broken up now. One of the reasons they broke up is because Steph Scully smooched a woman called Victoria, which did not sit well with Mark on account of him being the only one allowed to smooch Steph Scully.
Steph is also upset because her motorbike is on the ground. She finds this to be highly suspicious.
“You see, it usually stands up the other way.”
Victoria — who is there; poised to smooch — says “do you think Mark did this?” which is not very kind and also, that would be a very lazy revenge tactic. Steph doesn’t think it was Mark, because how did Mark even know that she was there? “Maybe he’s watching you,” Victoria says. Woah!
Victoria is very casual with her accusations and I’m here for it.
“Yeah it was probably Mark, looks like the work of Mark to me, hey wanna smooch.”
Steph Scully tells Victoria to mind the bike while she goes to confront Mark about this extremely destructive and inconvenient act of punishment. “KNOCK KNOCK!!” she says, walking into Mark’s depressing looking house, without actually knocking.
“My bike has been knocked over,” says Steph, making a blank face. Mark loses it. “AND YOU THINK I DID IT???” says Mark, almost making an expression. Steph Scully is all, “Look, I get it, I broke your heart, you probably did this, etc” and Mark becomes apoplectic and is like, “WHAT, BREAK THE LAW??”
Mark cannot imagine anything worse than breaking the law. His missus has left him for another missus, someone else’s missus is having his baby, he’s living in what looks — to my eyes — like a pub bathroom, and breaking the law is still the most terrible thing he can imagine. Mark has probably never even thought about knocking down someone’s bike. Mark had probably never had such an impure thought.
Haha Mark, you dork.
“Mark, you’re jealous of my smooching, I get it.”
“How dare you suggest I would ever knock a bike, HOW DARE YOU.”
“Oh yeah, you’re a dork.”
“Nah I’m a cool cop, look at all these band posters up in the toilet I’m living in.”
Another woman comes in, dressed in a bathing suit, and she’s like the most conventionally attractive person I’ve ever seen on television. Steph Scully is like, “why are you dressed like that” and the other girl is like, “I’m going for a swim later, IS THAT OKAY???” Wow, everyone is being super mean to each other this episode.
“I am shamed.”
Meanwhile, Paul Robinson is saying to a woman, “Ready for my gourmet sausage breakfast?”. She says she is ready, and then he smugly replies: “Once you’ve sampled my famous bratwurst you’ll never turn back”.
“I bet,” the woman says. What.
Does he mean his genitals though?
Anyway, Steph is back with her bike and a colleague of Mark’s is writing a report and being very mean. “I sent your girlfriend home, she’s gone to your love nest probably!!!” says this mean police woman, whose name is Ellen (a notoriously mean name).
Ellen is super mad at Steph Scully because guess what — Victoria was HER girlfriend! What a sexy triangle (square?). Ellen decides that Steph’s bike has to be written off (well, she puts a sticker on it) and then when Steph says it isn’t fair, Ellen is like “WELL IT WASN’T FAIR WHEN YOU RUINED MARK’S LIFE AND STOLE MY FAMILY??”
I mean, that actually doesn’t sound very fair, Steph.
“Did you or did you not ruin my life.”
“Fair cop, actually.”
Back to the main plot of this episode: sausages. Paul Robinson asks the sensible blonde lady “hey can you make me 60 bratwurst, so I can be the sausage king of Erinsburgh”, and she’s like “that’s fraud”, and he’s like “SPARE ME THE MORAL GROUNDING”.
They agree that she will commit this fraud for a princely sum of $500. Why does a man who can spend $500 on bratwurst still live on Ramsay Street, this makes no sense.
“Small price to pay for sausies, love.”
They’re all eating Paul Robinson’s sausages and groaning. “Firm, but not too firm,” says one bloke. “Meaty,” says a woman I remember being named Sheila. “I like the way the taste lingers”. “These are addictive,” says someone else, something that has never ever been said about sausages in the history of the universe. A sausage can’t be addictive.
In the background, Karl Kennedy quietly sniffs Paul’s sausage.
At the table, Paul Robinson begins boasting. “There’s a new sausage king here, boys!!” he says with glee.
(This is Paul Robinson.)
(These are the boys.)
Soon the boys find out that Paul Robinson has bluffed about his bratwurst. They were made by a woman!!! “THIS IS A NEW LOW!!!” says Sheila. Didn’t Paul kill a guy once? Well whatever, they all get over it pretty quickly and then toast to “the perfect sausage”. I hear ya, gang.
So, Mark is buying Ellen a toasted sandwich and Ellen is talking about what a psycho Steph Scully is. Even Mark is like, “Relax, also did you knock her bike?”. Ellen loses it and calls him a bad friend and throws her uneaten toasted sandwich in the bin. Mark is flabbergasted!
“Is that against regulations, better check me manual.”
At the motel, Victoria is spooked because someone called the landline and Steph Scully’s mobile at the same time. Apparently Ellen used to do this trick to check if Victoria was cheating on her! Victoria sounds like she has some stories, man.
Anyway, Victoria decides to pack her flowy dresses and get out of Steph’s motel because “she’s not very good at self control” and wants to smooch Steph quite badly.
“This is so boring, I love to smooch and I am being presented with no smooching opportunities in which to smooch tbh.”
“Smooching! What! No that’s weird, haha. What!”
“Are you SURE there’s nothing I could do to change your mind?” says Steph Scully which duh, you could smooch Victoria if you wanted her to stay. They hug goodbye and then just as Steph is at the door, she turns and smooches Victoria!
Yay!
uh oh.
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