‘Neighbours’ Update: Fake Dee Got That Money, But Willow Rebecchi Is Going Rogue

Man, what a day. What a day! You may have thought that the day that Stingray spontaneously died at a family bbq, Hunters and Collectors playing softly in the background, was the biggest day in Erinsborough history, but you’d be wrong.

I’m so sorry I brought up Stingray, why did I do that.

Anyway, what I’m trying to say is that there was a lot of drama in last night’s episode of Neighbours. This is what’s been happening: Fake Dee was all, “I LOVE YOU TOADFISH REBECCHI, WE ARE MADE FOR EACH OTHER” and Toadie was like, “I did not see this coming”.

Toadie was truly gobsmacked by this turn of events.

Steph Scully and Victoria were also caught tickling each other on the couch — a highly sexy activity.

Victoria’s ex-girlfriend Ellen (no, not that Ellen silly!!!) was so insanely jealous that Steph Scully was tickling her missus, that she either tried to chase Steph Scully’s bike to frighten her, or to actually kill Steph Scully. Whatever the intended outcome was, her deep hatred for Steph Scully caused her to get into a (non-fatal, don’t worry) car accident with the pregnant girl. Awkward!!

“Ellen!!” says Mark, in shock. Pretty shocking behaviour from Ellen, to be honest! Why can’t she just deal with her break-up like a normal person, by shutting herself indoors, eating only muffin pizzas, watching every season of The Nanny and deleting all your photos from social media. I’ve never done this though, hahahaha. Haha.

Where were we? Oh yeah, Mark is still a Man of The Law so checks if Ellen is okay before arresting her for attempted murder, or whatever. Ellen is kind of annoyed, like “I’m alright okay, jeez”. I mean, if I was trying to do some casual revenge-murdering of Steph Scully and failed, then yeah, I would probably be a bit miffed too.

The pregnant girl — who is named Paige — is making “I’m dying” faces (she isn’t dying) and is trapped in her goddamn car. Steph Scully turns up and is all “Hey you okay guys, I heard a ruckus, you okay Ellen?”

Having just tried to low-key murder Steph, Ellen is quite bashful about the situation and maybe also a bit concussed.

Ah well, we’ll just wait for the cops and the ambulance to arrive at the scene and deliver some much-needed medial assistance. Except that Mark reckons that all the emergency services are busy because of a “train collapse” in Eden Hills! Bloody hell, Eden Hills. Those treacherous bastards. They probably don’t even HAVE trains in Eden Hills. I think they planned it this way.

A fellow with a man bun is then like, “No dramas, I’ll just cut Paige out of this car myself!” Mark, a man who loves rules, is like “Ah, no?” because that sounds highly dangerous and not at all in accordance with the rules. But by that point, Manbun has already run off to get some shears on something. By the looks of it, this car crash has taken place at Avalon airport.

Meanwhile, back at the motel Willow Rebecchi is sitting and looking sad. Fake Dee is like “omg, CAN YOU CHEER UP??” Fake Dee is out here, making money, and Willow won’t stop sooking about the ‘lying’ and ‘fake paternity’ and ‘identity theft’. Urgh what a killjoy, crack a smile for once Willow.

Fake Dee says she knows that Willow feels bad about lying to Toadie, but points out “[they’ve] made him so happy” so the lying doesn’t even count. Relax, Willow! Besides: as soon as the cheque clears at the Bank of Erinsborough, they are leaving town forever!

Hey there’s someone at the door though — AW SHIT, IT’S SINDI!

“These walls are thin,” Sindi says, and I don’t know if she is saying it metaphorically or if Steph Scully has cut corners with the construction of her motel. (Side note: if I did as much scheming as Fake Dee, I would probably lock my door occasionally, but whatever, you do you Fake Dee.) Before A Current Affair busts in to do a report on Steph Scully’s construction fraud/the shoddy walls start literally collapsing in on them, Sindi accuses Dee of “ghosting” on her.

Fake Dee talks to Sindi like she’s the dumbest idiot on the face of the planet. “Sindi, the money is almost here,” she says. Sindi explains that once they get that money, Fake Dee has to leave Sonya and Toadie alone forever. “smdh I am literally surrounded by killjoys,” says Fake Dee. Sindi is a complex character because she has no moral qualms about stealing thousands of dollars, but feels very strongly about the sanctity of marriage.

Anyway, the local priest — who seems to buy the tightest shirts his rippling muscles can fit into, man Catholicism has changed a lot since I got out of the game — is making some business calls (pertaining to God?) when Manbun runs into the Erinsborough CBD screaming. “KEITH!!!” he screams. “I NEED A TARP!”

Oh my god, it’s Keith!!!

Keith is like “wtf” but listens anyway because if you have an emergency, you can count on Keith no questions asked. Keith is still the most fascinating character, past or present, to appear on Neighbours. What’s Keith’s backstory? Where did he come from? Does he only interact with other residents of Erinsborough when they come to his mechanic shop, screaming about missing motorbikes or needing tarps? I have so many questions about Keith.

Anyway. “KEITH, CAN WE TAKE THE CAR!!!” says the priest. Keith hands him the keys. “Yeah, just bring it back in one piece,” says Keith, which seems an odd reaction. Perhaps a priest has ruined his car before. Perhaps we’ll never know. Keith, you are a riddle wrapped in an enigma, my friend.

So, Paige is still trapped in the car and everyone is freaking out. Manbun notices that petrol is dripping from the car (what is everyone else doing, Mark shouldn’t you be looking for petrol?). Paige tells the priest “Ah can you call a doctor” so the priest calls the finest doctor he can think of.

“Yeeeeeeeeello!” says Dr. Karl Kennedy.

Karl Kennedy thinks the priest should just listen to the paramedics on site, because how the hell is Karl supposed to know what’s going on? The priest is like “KARL, C’MON!!!!” and makes him diagnose Paige over the phone. Symptoms: was in a car crash, is pregnant.

Karl decides to speculate wildly and says something arbitrary about a placenta. Sensing the priest’s growing interest, Karl gets more courage and decides he knows exactly what’s going on. “SHE COULD BLEED OUT, JACK,” he says. Wtf.

“WHAT’S HE SAYING?” says Paige. “Ahh, that you’re totally fine” the priest says.

Meanwhile, Sonya is making a necklace out of pasta, I think. Toadie says that that the bank is giving him the money to give to Dee today. Sonya is thrilled.

Toadie then says that Willow and Dee aren’t getting on well at the moment. He suggests that they turn the spare room into Willow’s room, so she can come and go as she pleases. Sonya is ecstatic.

Toadie explains to Sonya that he wants to “put some distance” between himself and Dee, which is of course code for ‘this broad wants to get it on all the time and I don’t know what to do’. Sonya is like, “Well you’ve been so good about me being on the edge of having an affair with Mark, so okay!” “Thank you,” says Toadie.

Then there is a dramatic tracking shot of the room seemingly for no reason, which must mean that it’s a deliberate and potent metaphor for [insert metaphor here].

Back at the crash, Manbun is like “Okay, I’m ready to cut the pregnant girl out of the car now!” and Mark is like “Ahhh, this is not regular”. Manbun ignores the haters, grabs an angle-grinder and then puts a tiny pair of protective goggles on, because safety first. What if he hurts his eyes!

“But the car might catch fire!!!” says Mark, who cannot believe they are doing something without the proper confirmation from the authorities. “I bought a TARP,” says Manbun, as though Mark is the biggest imbecile in the world. “JUST DO IT!!!” says Paige, because she would rather risk being exploded than being trapped in this conversation for five seconds longer.

A dramatic montage follows.

As Manbun is slicing, the priest is in the car with Paige. “Please God, don’t take Paige,” he says, improvising a very dramatic and not at all comforting prayer.

A couple of streets over, Willow is on the warpath. “YOU WANY ME TO SPEAK?? FINE! FORGET THE MONEY!!” Willow screams at Fake Dee. Fake Dee is like, “omg what is with the hostility here, kid”. Willow says they have to leave immediately or she’ll tell Toadie everything. Suddenly, Fake Dee gets a text.

When Fake Dee arrives at Toadfish Manor, she realises that he actually has the cheque for her. A cheque for $100,000 because it’s “easier” than doing it in increments! Fake Dee is extremely un-chill about this and can barely breathe, which I guess would be my reaction too of I’d tricked a couple of dumdums into giving me $100,000 big ones.

Now they’ve got their money, Willow and Fake Dee are going to London — the only other white person place the residents of Erinsborough feel comfortable visiting! “I thought we could track down your real dad!” says Fake Dee. Sounds like a fun trip to me!

Willow leaves Toadie a note, which is sad. Whatever, we’re going to London, baybeeeeeh!

Meanwhile, Ellen is apologising for being a psycho and all the various ways in which she’s psychologically tortured Steph Scully. Then, not correctly reading the room, Ellen says to Victoria: “Hey so wanna get back together?” Victoria is like, “lol, no”. Victoria is with Steph Scully now!

“Hey how good is it that we can finally be open about our relationship?” Victoria says to Steph. “Yeah, about that…” says Steph. Then Steph breaks up with her. Poor Victoria.

In hospital, Dr. Karl checks out Paige. The baby is fine! The priest comes in to visit. Aw, what a nice priest he is.

“Hi Paige!” says the priest.

“You’re the father of my baby,” says Paige.

‘WAaaAAAAAAAA?” says the priest.

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Read our last Neighbours recap here.