TV

‘Neighbours’ Update: Toadie Does Fake Dee And Finds Out The Truth

SEXY, SEXY TIMES.

Look, we’re all here to have a good time. We’re all here to have a laugh, and to discuss Dr. Karl Kennedy’s rampant infidelity and the fact that Millsy is the hot new teacher at Erinsborough High. WE’RE ALL JUST HERE FOR A GOOD TIME, ALRIGHT.

Well let me tell ya, a lot of sad stuff happened on Neighbours in the last week. But we don’t need to bring ourselves down with that! There’s only one update we need, one plot point that has the ability to make us question everything we once knew to be true.

Toadfish Rebecchi did sex with Fake Dee. And nothing will ever be the same.

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Hell yeah, it happened. So, remember when the new Don of Erinsborough took Toadie’s phonecall and was all, “Your missus is sleeping with a bloke named Mark, have a good one though”? That sent a series of events in motion that has irreversibly altered the course of Toadie ‘Toadfish’ Rebecchi’s life forever.

Of course, his missus Sonya didn’t realise straight away. Sonya and Mark are having a cosy platonic breakfast, just some Vegemite toast between two non-sex-having mates, and Sonya is looking at her phone like, “Hey my husband Toadie called last night but I didn’t speak to him. Who would have spoken to him when I was sleeping with my platonic friend Mark in my marital bed?”

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“I’m your worst nightmare, carnt.”

Sonya just cannot figure this out! She asks Mark if he spoke to Toadie and he’s like, “Nah, I was sleeping with you in your marital bed!” Then the kid says very casually, “I spoke to him”. Sonya is like, “Oh, phew! It was only the kid. Did Toadie sound good? Did he sound happy and secure?” The kid is like: “Yep.”

This kid is some sort of evil genius. I think she’s our leader now.

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(Thinks about revealing that you’ve just ruined your parent’s relationship with a falsehood and you’ve potentially destroyed the happiness of everyone on Ramsay Street.)

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(Decides against it.)

Hey, Toadie is still in London (baby)! Presumably bored of how bad Toadie is at following her Twitter trail, Willow turns up to his hotel room. Toadie is of course delighted to see her — he’s been searching the perimeter of Big Ben for days!!

But Willow is very cold and like: “Hey can you just forget I even exist? Cheers.” She keeps burying the lede, the lede being that she isn’t actually the spawn of Toadfish Rebecchi and Dee Bliss.

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“Um, could you just like… go back to Melbourne now and I’ll stay, bye.”

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“But Willow they don’t even have Yowies here, Willow come back home with your Papa Toadie.”

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“Awks.”

Back in Erinsborough, Susan Kennedy is having a real think about this Dee running away to London thing. “There is something fishy going on here,” Susan Kennedy thinks to herself. She wants some answers and she’s going to get them from Sindi. Susan Kennedy is smarter than all of these Erinsborough dum dums put together.

She tracks down Sindi at one of the two eateries in Erinsborough and is all “Heyyyyy I didn’t know you were friends with Dee wouldn’t you hate each other because you’ve both boned the Toad?” Sindi is immediately like, “omg I have been found out”.

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“Susan, it’s so nice to see you, I hope you are having a pleasant day!!!”

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“Don’t fuck with me, blood.”

Susan tells Sindi that Toadie has gone to London and that Dr. Karl has followed him, and Sindi makes constipated faces and is like, “Oh FUUU– I mean how nice.”

It is at this moment, over weak flat whites at some sort of bar that is decorated like a real estate office, that Fake Dee’s tower of sand finally begins to crumble. Getting very flustered, Sindi says: “I came back to Erinsborough because Andrea wasn’t returning my calls — I MEAN, Dee.”

AW SHIT.

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“I have appeared to have cooked this one right up, interesting.”

Sindi tries to cover it up real quickly like, “HAHA ANDREA SOMERS WAS MY BEAUTICIAN G2G BYE” because this whole episode was just people saying stuff they weren’t meant to and then IRL logging off. The Suze-Dog ain’t buying it, though. When Sindi goes off to have a wee, a ballsy woman named Sheila is like “LET’S CHECK HER PHONE!”. Susan is flabbergasted by this unethical behaviour!

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“SHEILA, I AM A COMMUNITY LEADER I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR –“

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“hey I’m still with it tho.”

On Sindi’s phone they call Andrea, except Andrea’s voicemail says: “Hi, you’ve reached Dee Bliss”!! Susan Kennedy is like “Huh, that’s weird” so decides to go to the local police station and report this to Mark.

Mark is like, “I am a Man of the Law, it is so good that you have come to me Susan” and proceeds to do some important policing that no other person in Erinsborough is qualified to do.

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Meanwhile in London: Toadie and Sonya have a thrilling exchange in which Toadie can’t figure out the sound on Skype. Almost a full minute in this 22-minute episode is spent trying to figure out the mechanics of Skype.

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“Sonya I can’t figure this out, is Skype a YouTube.’

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“Sonya, I have typed your name into YouTube and nothing is coming up, Sonya please advise.”

The Toadfish is well grumpy because last he heard, Sonya was sleeping with his mate Mark. He asks Sonya what she did last night in a very accusatory fashion (you tell her Toad). “Ah, I was resting?” she says, like Toadie is the dumbest idiot she’s ever had to chat to on Skype. “I KNOW WHO YOU WERE RESTING* WITH SONYA, A SMALL CHILD TOLD ME!!!!” Toadie says.

*Resting means fucking.

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Sonya is confronted with tales of her sweaty, rampant resting.

Toadie yells that he explicitly said to Sonya that Mark was not to come to his house, how dare they disobey him in this impertinent manner. Sonya is like, “YEAH? WELL YOU WENT TO LONDON!” and Toadie is like, “YOU TOLD ME TO GO!” and Sonya is like, “oh yeah” but she’s still mad about it. Toadie then decides that Sonya wanted this all along and just wanted Toadie out of the way so she could rest Mark’s brains out, which is an nonsensical and exciting theory.

Toadie — being a Skype novice (see above) — hangs up on Sonya, but doesn’t really hang up and only minimises the window. Sonya is like, “URGH” but still sticks around watches him walking around his hotel room, ‘cos being mad is super fun.

Someone is at the door though — it’s Fake Dee! “Hey Toadie,” she says, in a sultry voice. “It’s me Dee. You have found me in London.” Toadie is all, “Bloody hell Dee, why did you go to London, bit irregular.” “YOU RIPPED MY HEART OUT, TOAD!” she says.

“Uh oh, this looks sexy as, better keep watching,” says Sonya.

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“Toadfish Rebecchi, you must know the affect that you have on women.”

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“Oh shit, it’s getting sexy as hell in there.”

Fake Dee is all, “I couldn’t stay in Erinsborough ‘cos I was too hot for you Toad” and just starts sensually touching her neck, which everyone knows is Toadfish Rebecchi’s favourite part of the human female body. “Wot,” says Toadie.

“Uh oh, getting pretty sexy now,” says Sonya.

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“Toadie, you must know how I, like all women, pine for you so.”

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“Dee what are you saying”

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“OH SHIT THIS IS SEXY AS, KIND OF STILL WANNA WATCH THO, MIGHT WATCH WITH ONLY ONE EYE.”

Toadie looks like he’s about to cry, BUT THEN KISSES FAKE DEE INSTEAD! Sonya yells “NOOOOOOOO” and is upset something chronic, but not so upset that she turns off Skype. Then, Toadie and Fake Dee do it. Sex, that is. They have sex. Toadie and Fake Dee. Fully have sex.

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It

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Is So

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Sexy.

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Back home, Sonya tells Steph Scully that she had just witnessed her beloved Toadfish doing it with Dee. Steph Scully gets kind of mad and is all, “THE TOAD WOULD NEVER DO THAT, HOW DARE YOU”. Sonya then spews, which is all the confirmation that Steph Scully needs to verify a Toadfish Rebecchi sex tape.

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“Hang on, I thought I was the only one to do the smooching around here.”

Mark then comes bursting in to Sonya and Toadie’s house! “You need a rest, Mark?” says Sonya. But Mark doesn’t have time for a rest — he has discovered that Dee is a FAKE.

Haha, they call her Fake Dee too, does that mean I’m a writer on Neighbours now?

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“Yeah, it was never actually Dee.”

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“Makes a lot of sense, tbh.”

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“A lot of sense, yeah.”

Back in London post-coitus (yeucccchhh) Fake Dee is like, “lol I am so glad we had sex!!!!” Toadie is obviously thinking, ‘how the hell do I get this sheila out of here’ or ‘I wonder if they sell sausage rolls at breakfast time in England’ or maybe even both.

Dee is all, “Let’s just relax, I wanted it, you wanted it, it was only a matter of time until we boned, I’m happy to tell everyone that you’re my slam piece on Facebook, let’s just chill” but Toadie is freaking out like, “MA WIFE!!!”

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(sexy)

Fake Dee says that “When I get out of the shower we can find Willow” because oh yeah, I wonder what Willow was doing all night haha, who cares. Toadie starts cleaning up the room after their wild sex romp, and Fake Dee’s passport falls out of her clothes!

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“Hang on –“

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“That’s not the colour of Dee’s hair.”

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“Ima just pretend to be a statue.”

Toadie cannot believe that he has been deceived!! He cannot believe that Willow is not his flesh and blood!! He cannot believe he was tricked into giving Fake Dee 100k!! “Urgh, relax,” says Fake Dee.“Ummm, should we go to breakfast now, or?”

“FAKE DEE, YOU ARE VERY ATTRACTIVE AND I’M GLAD WE DID THE DEED, BUT I AM GOING HOME TO MY MISSUS,” says Toadie, who then immediately gets hit by a taxi when he runs out of the hotel. Toadie is not having a good day.

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“Willow, my dying wish is to have Plucka Duck deliver my eulogy, cheers.”

AW SHIT, DR. KARL IS HERE! He looks for Toadie in the only place he can think of: Big Ben.

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“Toad, where are ya.”

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[England]

“Toad, you’re in a hospital in London,” Dr. Karl tell Toadie, when he sees him in a hospital in London. “Am I going to be okay?” says Toadie. “Ah, you’ve only broken your arm,” says Dr. Karl. Toadie then tells Dr. Karl about his sex romp, because Boys Will Be Boys. “I MADE A HUGE MISTAKE KARL, SIMILAR TO MISTAKES YOU HAVE MADE,” says Toadie.

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“Dr. Karl, I have sinned quite terribly.”

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“Sounds terrible, hey Toad are there any hot chicks around here.”

Toadie and Dr. Karl fly back to Erinsborough airport and Toadie sets about the task of winning Sonya back. Toadie thought that Mark and Sonya were sleeping together, that’s why he did Fake Dee! Sonya is like “WE DID NOTHING”. “Awkward,” says Toadie. Sonya is pretty disgruntled about the whole thing and decides to break up with him.

Toadie then goes to the one place in Erinsborough that is sympathetic to cheaters: the Kennedy house. For some reason, Toadie thinks that Dr. Karl will be the one to convince Sonya not to drop him? Even Dr. Karl and Susan are like “lol why”.

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“I will do this for you Toadie, by the way do you know if Steph Scully is single, or–“

Karl goes to Sonya’s house and it doesn’t go well. Karl is like, “I’m sure you don’t know, it’s actually a very well-kept secret, but Susan and I have been in a similar cheating situation”. Sonya is like, “Yeah but you were going through a midlife crisis, Karl”.

“Yeah you’re right, I’m fine,” says Karl.

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“Sonya I hear ya, I respect your decision, now do you have a copy of Toadie and Dee’s sex tape, or–“

Toadie then asks Mark if he can put in a good word for him with Sonya. Toadie is spending a lot of time going around Erinsborough asking people to put in a good word for him.

Mark reacts well.

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Toadie is like, “Okay I better change tactic” and asks Susan to talk to Sonya about forgiving Toadie — the same way that Susan forgave Karl six or seven times.

Susan reacts well.

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“Awkward!!!!”

Toadie realises he’s probably cooked it for real and decides to speak to Sonya himself. “Hey, should we get back together, or nah,” he says. “Nah,” she says. “Bugger,” says Toadie. They tell the kid they are breaking up and the kid could not give less of a fuck. We know why.

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‘WON’T YOU MISS YOUR PAPA TOADIE.”

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Read our last Neighbours update here.