MTV Video Music Awards: A Junkee Recap

The 29th MTV VMA’s just happened in Brooklyn, featuring one of the biggest lineups ever, including performances from Lady Gaga, Kanye West, Katy Perry, Macklemore & Ryan Lewis, Miley Cyrus, Robin Thicke, Drake, Lifetime Achievement Award-winner Justin Timberlake — and, yes, his old band N*Sync.

Shit got a bit weird. Here’s our live blog re-dressed as a recap, with thanks to Buzzfeed and MTV for the GIFs. For a full list of winners, click here.

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PRE-SHOW

10:15am: Live coverage begins with the “pre-show”, which seems to consist of a lot of people screaming at the red carpet, while breathless presenters scream on the red carpet. This bizarre ritual is dappled by lackluster performances from teenagers we’ve never heard of because of ageing.

10:25: Some MTV awards are so unimportant that they get announced between the ad breaks, or before the winners have even shown up. Best Collaboration went to P!nk feat. Nate Ruess for  ‘Just Give Me A Reason’, and Best Rock Video went to Junkee-reader Jared Leto‘s 30 Second To Mars, for ‘Up In The Air’. Okay!

10:40: Katy Perry is wearing a leg and, shock, the same Ungaro dress that Coco Rocha wore to the MET Gala earlier this year. Selena Gomez is wearing Versace and being excited about Australians: “I hear you wanna take a selfie with someone special tonight?” asks the red carpet host. “Yeah — I wanna see Iggy Azaelia!” GO AUSSIE.

WE DON’T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT FASHION ON THE RED CARPET, BUT VULTURE DO.

10:46: One Direction are going to release an album at the end of the year. Apparently they’re British! And here comes Pharrell, rocking up on a bike with a BMX bike crew. He still hasn’t aged even a little bit.

10:52: Apparently the “moonman” they keep referring to is what MTV VMAs call “an award”. That is something that is worth knowing if you are going to do a live blog!

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THE VMAS HAVE BEGUN.

Hello.

11:04: Lady Gaga opens the show with the live premiere of ‘Applause’. She strips off her geometric nun outfit to reveal a black sparkly onesie, then covers it up with a blue sparkly suit, and then puts on a wig. That is four costume changes in the first ten seconds, and SHE JUST DID THE ILLUMINATI HAND SIGNAL GUYS.

She ends the song in a shell bikini with Beyonce hair. I’m not sure what just happened. It was great.

11:11: One Direction award Best Pop Video to Selena Gomez for ‘Come And Get It’. Short speeches are the best.

11:19: After an awkward intro from Shailene Woodley and Miley Cyrus (who is doing a very bizarre voice and may or may not be drunk?), Miley is on stage out-weirding Gaga in a leotard with a bunch of massive teddy bears (SONICANIMATION, IS THAT U?), twerking and tongueing her way through ‘We Can’t Stop’.

The whole thing is pretty weird.

And then all of a sudden she’s stripped down to a nude bikini to twerk and tongue her way through ‘Blurred Lines’/’Give It 2 U’ medley, joined by Robin Thicke, Kendrick Lamar and 2 Chainz and all of the dancers and props in the world (perhaps to distract us all from the song’s questionable message?)

There is lots of this:

A bit of this:

And not a small amount of this:

The camera cuts to Rihanna. Rihanna is unimpressed.

11:33: Iggy Azaelia’s talking accent is just as confused as her rapping accent; she and Lil Kim award the VMA for Best Hip Hop Video to Macklemore & Ryan Lewis for ‘Can’t Hold Us’.

11:39: Kevin Hart picks up the hosting mic to remind us all that he is not hosting, before performing the hosting duty of recapping everything that’s happened, and intimating that Miley might have impregnated herself by doing all that grinding all up on Robin Thicke.

11:41: Junkee-reader Jared Leto comes on to introduce the next act. “Give me an AMEN. HALLELUJAH. PRAISE THE LORD. Make some noise for Yeezus himself, Kanye West!”

Kanye is dimly lit for ‘Blood On The Leaves’. Even with the Autotune, it manages to be the most heartfelt performance so far.

But Twitter is not reacting kindly.

11:51: Daft Punk, Pharrell and Nile Rodgers have just taken the stage. They are wearing the sparkliest of suits, to announce ‘Best Female Video’ — which goes to Taylor Swift: “I want to thank the person who inspired this song, who knows exactly who he is.” The camera cuts to Harry Styles. Harry Styles does not look happy.

11:55: Ed Sheeran delivers the award for ‘Best Video With A Social Message’ to Macklemore and Ryan Lewis. “Gay rights are human rights. There is no separation,” says Macklemore.

12:13: “In 2002, almost exactly 11 years ago, I stood on stage at Radio City Music Hall, and hosted the VMAs,” begins Jimmy Fallon. “That night will go down in history. Not because I hosted, but because it was the night that a new solo artist made his debut performance. His name was Justin Timberlake. And the rest, as they say, is history.”

Timberlake’s live performance starts at the lobby of the Barclay’s Center where the awards are being hosted; he takes his dancers up the escalator while singing ‘Take Back The Night’, and then, once on stage, it’s time for a super old-school medley: ‘Sexy Back’, ‘Like I Love You’, ‘Cry Me A River’ and ‘My Love’, and then he brings out a keyboard for ‘Senorita’, before taking the dancers through the crowd for ‘Rock Your Body’. This is the greatest thing I have ever seen, and Rihanna is enjoying it A LOT.

AND HERE COMES N*SYNC. Joey Fatone is still the fat one, ‘Girlfriend’ melds into ‘Bye Bye Bye’, and hoo-boy they cannot dance any more at all. But Gaga doesn’t mind.

Timberlake is back solo for ‘Suit & Tie’, and Taylor and Rih-Rih are both upstanding for the finale of ‘Mirrors’. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how you do a medley.

12:22: Jimmy Fallon runs through JT’s career before presenting him with the Vanguard Lifetime Achievement Award. “I don’t deserve this award, but I’m not going to give it back,” Justin says, before pointing out that half of the VMAs he’s ever won he won with N*Sync.

12:30: HAHAHAHA DJ CASSIDY. HE IS THE WORST.

12:31: Kevin Hart comes back on to live blog make fun of N*Sync being too old and fat to do more than one song. “I saw Joey fart!” he yells too loudly. Good one. He then goes on to make sure Lady Gaga feels uncomfortable about still being in a bikini, and promises to drop something when he’s near her so he can be close to her arse. Great, Kevin. No idea why they didn’t let you call yourself the host.

12:33: A couple of Vampire Weekends present the VMA for Song Of The Summer to One Direction. Taylor Swift has this to say during their acceptance speech:

12:36: Basketballer Jason Collins comes on stage with A$AP Rocky to introduce the next guest. “Hating someone for their sexual orientation is the same thing as hating someone for the colour of their skin. And the only way things change is if you stand up for what you believe in,” says Collins, the first male professional athlete in a major American sport to come out.

A$AP Rocky takes the mic to plug his own album. Yeeshk.

They introduce Macklemore & Ryan Lewis, to perform their Best Video With A Social Message-winning ‘Same Love’. It is a very nice song that everybody enjoys.

12:47: The Artist To Watch goes to some guy called Austin Mahone. Iggy Azaelia drafts the Twitter beef she’s about to start. Daft Punk’s confusion is masked by their masks.

12:50: Two thirds of TLC — T-Boz and Chilli, above — introduce Drake’s performance. Rihanna’s front-row face is more fun to watch than most of the performances, and she looks pretty bored through this one as well.

1.15: Here’s Taylor Swift, announcing ‘Best Male Video’ for Bruno Mars, who follows up the win with a performance. It is huge and filled with pyrotechnics and probably a very famous song, even though I’ve never heard it before. Will Smith looks pretty emotional, but everyone else is waiting for Katy Perry, who’s in a boxing robe warming up for the closing act: her live premiere of ‘Roar’.

1:18: For some reason it falls on Joseph Gordon-Levitt to announce the big one — Video Of The Year. It goes to Justin Timberlake’s ‘Mirrors’.

1:22: Alison Williams from Girls introduces Katy Perry’s main act performance, for some reason.

Perry is dressed in silky boxer shorts and a leopard sprint sports bra that already has its own Twitter account; she spits in a bucket and mimes and dances on a boxing ring stage, with gym-buddy dancers who are terrible at pretending to roar, but really, really good at skipping.

And then it is over and that’s all there was.