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Which Monopoly Piece Should You Choose To Help You Navigate The Housing Crisis? A Ranking

Do not pass go.

Yesterday the makers of Monopoly made headlines by retiring three of their iconic game pieces. Out went the thimble, the wheelbarrow and the boot, replaced by a rubber duck, a penguin and a Tyrannosaurus mother-fuckin’ rex.

Of course these days games of Monopoly can feel a little bittersweet, what with the housing market looking the way that it does. Median house prices in Sydney and Melbourne are currently sitting at around $1.1 million and $740,000 respectively, which means that for many of us the prospect of actually owning our own home seems about as likely as treasurer Scott Morrison winning second prize in a beauty contest.

Still, when it comes to real estate, it’s important to put your best foot forward. That’s why we’ve put together this definitive, highly scientific ranking of which Monopoly piece will best help prepare you for the impossible task of actually trying to buy a house. Or an electric company, I guess. Look, I’ll be the first to admit that it’s not a perfect metaphor.


T-Rex

8. The T-Rex

This prehistoric beast may be the new hotness on the Monopoly board, but in the real world the bipedal carnivore has been extinct for more than 65 million years, which cannot be good for your credit score. Not to mention the fact that finding a house big enough for a 12 foot tall dinosaur is going to be basically impossible. That said, I guess having been around since the upper Cretaceous period, you should have a fair amount of super to dip into.


Rubber Duck

7. The Rubber Ducky

It’s adorable that you think you’ll be able to afford a place with a bath, but if you’re serious about getting out of the rental game then you need to drastically lower your expectations. To put things in perspective, this unrenovated property in the western suburbs of Melbourne just sold for almost $1 million, and it doesn’t even have an indoor toilet. So unless you’re able to borrow money from your parents as Malcolm Turnbull has jokingly suggested, this is one rubber bird that ain’t gonna fly.


Battleshipjpeg

6. The Battleship

In theory, a heavily armoured warship with a battery of high powered guns sounds like the perfect thing for blasting through the barriers to home ownership, but do you have any idea how much waterfront property costs in this country? I’ve never even bothered checking, because why would I go out of my way to make myself feel bad like that? But I feel confident in saying that it’s a lot.


Catdog

5. The Cat / The Dog (tied)

Two of my friends recently got married and got a cat as a kind of trial run to see if they were ready to have a kid. Thing is, a four legged friend can also double as a trial run for a mortgage. Both are massive responsibilities that you’re constantly worrying about, and will be for a very long time. On the plus side though, if you’re renting in NSW, Labor want to make it much harder for landlords to ban pets. So there’s your silver lining, I guess!


The Penguin 2

3. The Penguin

While you can’t really keep a penguin as a pet, this new addition to the Monopoly board does provide prospective home owners with one major benefit: the ability to survive the winter in a uninsulated one-bedroom shack, which is all you’ll ever be able to afford once the government scraps the National Housing Affordability Agreement as it is expected to do in the May budget. Ahahahahaha our generation is fucked!


Top Hat JPEG

2. The Top Hat

They say you should dress for the job you wish you had, and personally I think the same thing applies to real estate. When you’re feeling glum about the idea of spending your thirties in a sharehouse, this sharp, stylish piece of headwear will help give you a much needed confidence boost. How does this help you actually buy a house? It doesn’t, but at least you’ve come out of the deal with a shiny new hat.


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1. The Car

It’s been a mainstay of Monopoly since the very first edition, and with good reason. You can use your car to make the two-and-a-half-hour commute to and from work every day, since God knows you won’t be buying property anywhere near the city. Not to worry though, there are plenty of great houses in rural areas. Just ask Barnaby Joyce.

I don’t even like Monopoly tbh.