Culture

Some Extremely Controversial And Important Thoughts On Milo

SJWs prepare yourselves! We're not holding back.

There are a whole bunch of snowflakes in Australia who would prefer us to not talk about Milo at all right now. They say he deserves to be shunned from the spotlight; that his views and actions are horrific or so wilfully stupid they’re not even worth thinking about. Some say he shouldn’t be part of Australian cultural debate in the first place.

But we at Junkee don’t shy away from a tough story or big characters!! We’re not afraid of diving into manufactured controversy with our eyes closed and important context dangerously omitted or understated, ramping people up into fits of hysteria, getting them frothing at the mouth, clicking madly.

SJWs prepare yourselves, because things are about to get real! We’re not holding back. Here are some extremely important and newsworthy thoughts on Milo:


Rory Should Have Been With Jess

Milo Ventimiglia’s Jess Mariano was a beautiful, sweet chocolate cake of a man. He was kind of bad for Rory, sure. But there was something so satisfying about him — deep (by high school standards) and delicious. (FYI I Googled it, Milo was 25 when the first season filmed, it’s ok to swoon).

I don’t even know why there was a controversy around this. The other main options were Logan and Dean — a rich dweeb and a large uncooked corn cob. Hard pass.


Milo Was The Superior Early-2000s Boy Crush

You could tell a lot about a person from the pictures they had contact-wrapped to their school books in 2003. Zach Braff lovers were ~zany~ (it was pre-Garden State, before things took a turn to artful emo). Orlando Bloom people were having weird dreams about elves. Chad Michael Murray and Josh Hartnett fangirls just wanted a crush for the sake of being included. And those of us cutting out pics of Milo Ventimiglia were horny as hell.

Milo was part of the Self-Identifying Interesting Girl’s wank bank which also included Adam Brody and Jesse Bradford (directly related to any scene in Bring It On in which he referenced The Clash and/or held a guitar). Milo had all the quirk and intrigue of these guys, while also being a conventionally hot dude. Best of both worlds if you ask me.

What a basic bitch.

DARK MOODY AND HOT.


The Moustache Is Not Good

Stop this.

Thank you.


He Has Been Resurrected From The Dead

I swear to god, Milo Ventimiglia did not exist in the years between Gilmore Girls and This Is Us. I say that while being fully aware he’s credited as having many small film roles, and spent 2006-2010 portraying Peter Petrelli on the hit show Heroes. But… I’m just not convinced.

Milo Ventimiglia in purgatory, waiting for horny tweens to conjure him back into existence.

If I have to concede that Milo has been a living, corporeal being in the world since 1977 (fact check please), you at least have to admit that as a celebrity he was definitely dead. Ventimiglia’s fame exists solely in an early 2000s vacuum — one that could only be broken through overloading the system by putting him alongside someone in the exact same position.


There Should Be More YouTube Videos Of Him Doing Pushups

Just the one! An outrage!!


All His Instagram Photos Have Been Lifted From The 2009 Tumblr Of A Melbourne Fine Arts Student

The evidence is overwhelming:

Robocop says no entry.

A post shared by Milo Anthony Ventimiglia (@miloanthonyventimiglia) on

This carefully curated collection of semi-artful junk is my new favourite thing about Milo Ventimiglia.


Thank you for indulging me! I guarantee that the time you spent reading this dumb post has been 500 times more valuable and fulfilling than the time you would have lost following whatever hateful bullshit Milo Yiannopoulos is doing or saying right now.